im going to be dying this year. I don't know when and don't know how just yet as I have two methods available to me that I would be willing to do, but haven't decided just yet which I will do. I feel that my life is over and it ended when my best friend and partner passed away also by ctb in the beginning of 2025. it was entirely unexpected, unplanned, and no note was left. ive never been more devastated in my life and every day since then has felt like I am a ghost already nonexistent to the world. the only thing that stopped me from immediately joining then was my dog who is my best friend and reason to live. she is my soulmate. so was he. we always made a pact that if one of us were to pass unexpectedly, the other had to stay alive to take care of our dog. so he got to be the one to escape this world first leaving me behind forced to honor that promise.
I have been struggling even more than normal the past few months, I can physically feel that my time is dwindling. I don't know if other people feel that way, or if im just sensing the end is near. I always knew this is how my story would end, I just thought it would be sooner than this. I always said 18 is the max I'll live to and then ill go, but I met my soulmate who passed and decided to keep going.
some days I am so jealous he got to go that I feel intense anger and resentment, like why did he have to be the one to go first. I wish I could escape this hell and finally be at peace. I don't believe in the afterlife, which sucks because I miss my best friend so much id do anything to see him again, and that makes it a little scarier knowing its kind of like turning the tv off. but at the same time, the thought of eternally being stuck in my body and mind makes me feel insane.
this is a long rant that sucks, but I just wanted something out there for when I finally ctb. I know it will be this year, and possibly super soon. I feel it in my body that I won't be here much longer. I love and miss you l.
I have been struggling even more than normal the past few months, I can physically feel that my time is dwindling. I don't know if other people feel that way, or if im just sensing the end is near. I always knew this is how my story would end, I just thought it would be sooner than this. I always said 18 is the max I'll live to and then ill go, but I met my soulmate who passed and decided to keep going.
some days I am so jealous he got to go that I feel intense anger and resentment, like why did he have to be the one to go first. I wish I could escape this hell and finally be at peace. I don't believe in the afterlife, which sucks because I miss my best friend so much id do anything to see him again, and that makes it a little scarier knowing its kind of like turning the tv off. but at the same time, the thought of eternally being stuck in my body and mind makes me feel insane.
this is a long rant that sucks, but I just wanted something out there for when I finally ctb. I know it will be this year, and possibly super soon. I feel it in my body that I won't be here much longer. I love and miss you l.
