Venting Grief and Anhedonia

[brokenbirb]

Hi everyone. Short time lurker and new member. I am wondering if anyone else struggles with intense grief from relationship losses, and has acquired anhedonia as a result.

My losses are many: both parents, husband, all grandparents, several friends, cousins, aunts & uncles. Most of the deaths were suicides, overdoses, complications with alcohol, or COVID. I struggle with flashbacks and ruminations associated with these events and have been diagnosed with CPTSD.

I also have treatment resistant MDD (name it, I've tried it) and total anhedonia which certainly makes it hard to push forward with life. I was once a very emotional person...not exactly a "normie" as I was very sensitive and concerned with the needs of others, especially my family, which is now almost gone. I don't believe in an afterlife (maybe there is one, I don't know) and I never feel closure (grief therapy hasn't been helpful.)

I don't want to CTB but I also don't really want to live anymore and was wondering if anyone at all could relate, on any level.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I can only imagine how your life sucks and how much you have to suffer from all these losses in your life. Nonetheless I admire you because you don't want to CTB! Welcome to the forum!

 

[brokenbirb]

Thank you. CTB requires more strength and ingenuity than I possess.

 

[Aisley]

I'm sorry- that's a lifetime of losses. Looks like your psyche is trying to pull back from everything because you need some time in retreat, just in your head. If it's not a hellscape, of course. It's perfectly understandable and your right to do so, if that's what you want. Just a temporary shut-down.
My emotions turned off sometime in my childhood, and now all I feel is anger. (40-F) I still manage to fake it through life, put the appropriate emoticon on my face at the right moment and such. After all this time it just feels natural, but I sort of remember when it didn't. Sort of remember waiting for it to go away, and feeling to come back. But it's not the same as what you've gone through.

 

[outrider567]

Hi everyone. Short time lurker and new member. I am wondering if anyone else struggles with intense grief from relationship losses, and has acquired anhedonia as a result.

My losses are many: both parents, husband, all grandparents, several friends, cousins, aunts & uncles. Most of the deaths were suicides, overdoses, complications with alcohol, or COVID. I struggle with flashbacks and ruminations associated with these events and have been diagnosed with CPTSD.

I also have treatment resistant MDD (name it, I've tried it) and total anhedonia which certainly makes it hard to push forward with life. I was once a very emotional person...not exactly a "normie" as I was very sensitive and concerned with the needs of others, especially my family, which is now almost gone. I don't believe in an afterlife (maybe there is one, I don't know) and I never feel closure (grief therapy hasn't been helpful.)

I don't want to CTB but I also don't really want to live anymore and was wondering if anyone at all could relate, on any level.

Looks you lost everyone like I have--And yes, I've also developed anhedonia as a result, but almost only totally because of the death of my girlfriend, after 35 long years together, still in shock--Yes, I also do not care about the needs of others anymore, don't care about anything at all

 

[OceanBlue]

Death is not normal at all, people were just here and now gone forever. I will always disagree with how Nature erases us.

I never stopped grieving for people I lost, it's very understandable what you're going through especially as a sensitive person.

Welcome and hope you find this forum useful in some way.