Venting Got into a huge fight with my mom and almost killed her

[UninformedLover]

It all started because she accused me of breaking the shopping cart (I didnt) and it pissed me off because she's always accusing me of stuff like I'm the only person who lives here. We got into a big argument and I told her to leave me alone but she kept carrying on (likes to have the last word.) Until she left.

Thought she was not coming back but she did but she came in crying because she lost her phone and then blamed me because I was arguing with her. That made me even more upset and there was a lot of yelling and I lost my cool and told her how much she ruined my life by being a neglectful, abusive, alcoholic, drug addicted piece of shit and she was just so uncaring. It's like she can't understand how being an awful parent can effect someone. But she said that I alone ruined my life and I snapped and grabbed her and threw her against the counter but she grabbed me back and was trying to break my neck or something idk so I let go.


But then we got into another argument because she likes to say stuff to get under my skin so I ended up grabbing her and threw her around the kitchen onto the ground and was punching her in the face and chest and screaming about how much I hate her and she was begging me to kill her so I stopped and just crushed her shoulder with my foot and went to my room and cried.

It just feels like a blur and I really cant remember most of what happened but I think I need to just be put down like a dog. I don't think I have to capacity to murder someone (im a paranoid freak) but what if I'm wrong? I have the idea to turn myself into the police for attempted murder and be locked away forever or to voluntarily commit myself or to run away and freeze to death in the cold because idk...that was so scary.

It was like 20 years of pent up anger and sadness just took over me. But really she is just an awful person. Beyond awful so dont feel bad for her.

But today was a reminder that I really need to just kill myself for real and stop lollygagging

 

[astr4]

i'm sorry this all happened to you. i know people are gonna wanna give you shit for hurting your mom, but honestly, if you shake up a soda can, it's gonna explode eventually. i'm not saying it's morally right or correct but i am saying i understand.

abusive parents will poke and prod at you and push your boundaries and insult you and make you feel so ashamed until you finally hit your limit and you start shouting or yelling or throwing things etc etc. and then they turn and point like "look at my kid! they're so crazy and ungrateful!"

like i doubt you would have done this to your mom if she was kind and loving, you know? i hope you can give yourself some grace and not view this as a sign you need to die. rather, from an external point of view, it sounds like your mom is the problem and you would be a lot better off if you lived somewhere else for example. but i know that's easier said than done.

if you feel death is your only option i respect it. but i don't think you're the problem, it sounds like your situation is the problem.

 

[UninformedLover]

i'm sorry this all happened to you. i know people are gonna wanna give you shit for hurting your mom, but honestly, if you shake up a soda can, it's gonna explode eventually. i'm not saying it's morally right or correct but i am saying i understand.

abusive parents will poke and prod at you and push your boundaries and insult you and make you feel so ashamed until you finally hit your limit and you start shouting or yelling or throwing things etc etc. and then they turn and point like "look at my kid! they're so crazy and ungrateful!"

like i doubt you would have done this to your mom if she was kind and loving, you know? i hope you can give yourself some grace and not view this as a sign you need to die. rather, from an external point of view, it sounds like your mom is the problem and you would be a lot better off if you lived somewhere else for example. but i know that's easier said than done.

if you feel death is your only option i respect it. but i don't think you're the problem, it sounds like your situation is the problem.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your kind words. Genuinely. I actually feel better after reading that.

 

[traingirl]

I think you need to seek professional help. And to remove yourself from the environment if possible. I don't think you need to die. I just think you need a new environment and some help to process the trauma of having an abusive parent.