Story Got a wake up call that my CTB behaviors sometimes endanger the people I care about

[unsaiddes]

By now my best friend is used to my reckless/just plain bad driving, but their partner isn't. I was being my usual stupid self with their partner in the car for the first time and nothing serious happened, no accident, but afterwards they were so shaken up they told my friend they didn't feel safe being in the car if I was driving.

They later chose a 30 minute walk home as opposed to a 5 minute drive with me behind the wheel. The thing is, I don't even blame them or think they're overreacting.

The truth of it is I have an awful habit of always driving like I'm the only person in the car, even when I have passengers. And I have zero regard for my own safety and wellbeing. I don't purposely set out to get in car crashes, that would be ridiculous and pointless since the chance of death is fairly low. But I think I want to CTB so badly and so constantly that it's reflected in the way I behave and the choices I make.

My friend hasn't caught on, they've even jokingly said something along the lines of "you've had your license for years, I know you can drive decently but you choose to drive like you have a death wish."

They're right on both ends. I'm probably overreacting, but now I sort of feel like a selfish a-hole for forcing another person into that situation. I apologized profusely before and after their partner decided to walk home. I know it's a one-off incident and they weren't rude or even harsh about it, but it just kind of hit me in the face that if I'm not careful I could put an innocent person in harm's way with my suicidal behaviors.

I'm not asking for platitudes that it's not my fault or anything, just wanted to get my thoughts out.

 

[zurukunai]

i have a similar problem but with drinking instead of driving

 

[midnightluv]

I do the same thing and ended up losing three of my friends due to it. I can't exactly blame them though, if you had to deal with someone's delusions and have a front row seat to the extremely severe mental illness that I have I'd get tired too. But I'm glad you're going to be more careful about it when other people are in the car. It's best to make CTB a you thing and not put anyone else's lives at risk imo. But this is coming from the bitch with bpd and horrible intrusive thoughts so I may not be qualified to say that.

 

[Death is my goal]

if you don't care about the ppl in the car with you you're just a selfish asshole, you really should change this odd behavior. you putting other ppl at risk

 

[dialogos]

By now my best friend is used to my reckless/just plain bad driving, but their partner isn't. I was being my usual stupid self with their partner in the car for the first time and nothing serious happened, no accident, but afterwards they were so shaken up they told my friend they didn't feel safe being in the car if I was driving.

They later chose a 30 minute walk home as opposed to a 5 minute drive with me behind the wheel. The thing is, I don't even blame them or think they're overreacting.

The truth of it is I have an awful habit of always driving like I'm the only person in the car, even when I have passengers. And I have zero regard for my own safety and wellbeing. I don't purposely set out to get in car crashes, that would be ridiculous and pointless since the chance of death is fairly low. But I think I want to CTB so badly and so constantly that it's reflected in the way I behave and the choices I make.

My friend hasn't caught on, they've even jokingly said something along the lines of "you've had your license for years, I know you can drive decently but you choose to drive like you have a death wish."

They're right on both ends. I'm probably overreacting, but now I sort of feel like a selfish a-hole for forcing another person into that situation. I apologized profusely before and after their partner decided to walk home. I know it's a one-off incident and they weren't rude or even harsh about it, but it just kind of hit me in the face that if I'm not careful I could put an innocent person in harm's way with my suicidal behaviors.

I'm not asking for platitudes that it's not my fault or anything, just wanted to get my thoughts out.

I'm glad you realized that. It took a while though. It took your friends walking out for you to situp and do something about it.
You got to be more considerate of others, in advance.
You've decided to CTB,,you should've felt this calmness because you took back control of your life again.
Now obsessing about it will desensitize you to your own life and other lives.
Don't allow it to make your heart cold to other people.
You had a close call.
No platitudes, just the whip now, come here hehehe