I'm so sorry that your life has brought you here. It's so sad, that you, me, and most on this site, have suffered enough trauma that we have gotten to this point. We all have our own unique circumstances and no one else will ever truly know how we feel about ourselves, and about the life we are living, because that always subjective, and we all have own perspectives and reasons for not wanting to be alive anymore.
I would guess, that the vast majority of us on here don't really want to die, but life has become so painful for us and we can't take it anymore. Personally, I don't want to die, but I do not want to, and will not, live like this for much longer. I'm not actually living, I stopped living a long time ago, I simply just exist now. I'm sure that you, and many of us here, share in that sentiment.
We've all suffered too much trauma, more than we can handle, and we've have had enough of it now and do not want to suffer any longer. For many of us, things have now become unbearable, for others, they are just about managing to cope, and that's why we want to end it all. In my opinion, anyone who doesn't want to be alive anymore, should be allowed to choose to end it in the most comfortable and humanly way possible, instead of resorting to having to book a hotel room and drink SN, for example. I know non suicidal people and pro-lifers would be horrified by that notion, but they're not the ones suffering are they, and it's not their life is it.
Again, I'm so sorry it's come to this for you, I really wish your life could have been better, and I wish the same about everyone else on here, but here we are.
I'm sure you'll be missed, and I wish you all the very best whatever happens.