[Goodbye Post] Tonight's the night

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I've found my peace. I've made my decision. I'm CTBing tonight.

Method:

Ultimately, drowning. I am going to jump off a relatively short bridge with a heavy backpack (~15kg) securely attached to me with zip ties and a contraption of my own making. I will land in a rushing river that's currently at about 5-7 degrees celsius. Though I'm not using shallow water blackout as the main method, I will be hyperventilating for minimum two minutes before jumping in order to reduce my CO2 levels and enable me to hold my breath longer. Because I will be jumping in cold water, my oxygen will be used up quicker, so with the low CO2 (which is what gives you the urge to breathe) + high O2 usage, my time to unconsciousness should be relatively short and I should black out before the panic and pain set in (though I am prepared for the possibility that I don't black out in time).

I know drowning is looked down upon on this site, but there aren't many other methods available to me, and to be honest, I don't want to go any other way. Sometimes a method just speaks to you. I want to join myself to the eternal flow of the river.


I haven't been on here long but this site has given me a lot of comfort and camaraderie in my final days. I'm thankful that it exists and I'm grateful to all those who took the time to read/react/reply to my comments. @february in alaska, I know you're planning on going soon too (if you're not already gone), and I wish you all the best, whatever the outcome.

I'm signing out after this so I won't see any of your replies. If I don't come back within six or so hours you can assume I went through with it and succeeded (there is almost no chance of getting rescued in my case). I have to be realistic though and understand that SI can strike at any time, so there is of course a chance I don't jump and come back here in disappointment and defeat.

To close, one of the most commonly discussed subjects on this site is how to know when you're ready, how to know when the time is right. It's something I've often thought about myself. Now that I've arrived at the moment myself, I think the answer is annoyingly simple: you'll know it when you see it. It's not something that can be forced; it just is. I am at peace.

One enters upon it [suicide] in order to end the torment and, in moving forward, sacrifices even the moments of elevation, never without the mourning of farewell, always in the feeling of throwing away a burden that became too heavy. Let what is coming be the business of the others. In the future they can make of me what they want, in forgetting and remembering.
- On Suicide: A Discourse on Voluntary Death by Jean Améry

 

[teajay1]

such a brave way to ctb >//<

 

[february in alaska]

If you made it to the other side I hope you found it quickly and as painlessly as possible... I'm glad you were at peace with your decision. Save a seat for the rest of us

 

[rozeske]

I wish you all the best in finding your peace.

To close, one of the most commonly discussed subjects on this site is how to know when you're ready, how to know when the time is right. It's something I've often thought about myself. Now that I've arrived at the moment myself, I think the answer is annoyingly simple: you'll know it when you see it. It's not something that can be forced; it just is. I am at peace.

One enters upon it [suicide] in order to end the torment and, in moving forward, sacrifices even the moments of elevation, never without the mourning of farewell, always in the feeling of throwing away a burden that became too heavy. Let what is coming be the business of the others. In the future they can make of me what they want, in forgetting and remembering.
- On Suicide: A Discourse on Voluntary Death by Jean Améry

Thank you for this! Very well and beautifully said

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Good luck with your plan! I hope you find peace & freedom! Farewell!

 

[justcallmeJ]

What a method ;o goodluck and i hope you will find peace <3

 

[DavidInternet]

Drowning sounds very painful and traumatic, but it does seem like you've done your research. Hope it's painless and you can find peace and happiness in the afterlife.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Turns out I'm a coward. Despite how ready I felt, despite how at peace I was with my decision, when I was standing there on the ledge, I found that I couldn't make the leap. All it would've taken was the smallest of movements and this all could've been over, and I couldn't do it.

It wasn't even death that scared me, nor the prospect of drowning. In fact I was looking forward to being underneath the water. What scared me was the impact from the fall. I knew that once my toes left the safety of the ledge, there'd be no way of controlling my descent, and I could land in a painful or injurious way. It shouldn't have mattered, of course, given how much of a certainty death would be, but pain is pain. And I wanted to go out relatively peacefully...

Thank you all for the well wishes in any case. I am hoping to try again soon now that I know that this is the actual hurdle that I have to overcome or mitigate, not the drowning itself (which is where my attention had mostly been previously). @lebrodude you might also want to take this into account.

I'm trying not to feel so defeated and instead just view it as a lesson, so that next time I can do better. For now I'll just make myself some tea and go lie down, try to destress a bit.

I wish the universe would recognize the effort I just went through and not let me wake up again. I really wanted to go...

 

[rozeske]

I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted. Be easy on yourself. Our body is programmed to recognize pain and do everything to avoid it. Take your well deserved rest and try not to worry yourself much about it, let things happen when they happen. Enjoy the tea.

 

[AkaRed]

Turns out I'm a coward. Despite how ready I felt, despite how at peace I was with my decision, when I was standing there on the ledge, I found that I couldn't make the leap. All it would've taken was the smallest of movements and this all could've been over, and I couldn't do it.

It wasn't even death that scared me, nor the prospect of drowning. In fact I was looking forward to being underneath the water. What scared me was the impact from the fall. I knew that once my toes left the safety of the ledge, there'd be no way of controlling my descent, and I could land in a painful or injurious way. It shouldn't have mattered, of course, given how much of a certainty death would be, but pain is pain. And I wanted to go out relatively peacefully...

Thank you all for the well wishes in any case. I am hoping to try again soon now that I know that this is the actual hurdle that I have to overcome or mitigate, not the drowning itself (which is where my attention had mostly been previously). @lebrodude you might also want to take this into account.

I'm trying not to feel so defeated and instead just view it as a lesson, so that next time I can do better. For now I'll just make myself some tea and go lie down, try to destress a bit.

I wish the universe would recognize the effort I just went through and not let me wake up again. I really wanted to go...

I know how difficult it can be, feeling so at peace- so ready. And one minor consideration can derail things so drastically. I'm so sorry this happened.
You really are brave though, and I admire it deeply. You're no coward for wanting the right exit for yourself.

Wishing you the best.

<3

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I know how difficult it can be, feeling so at peace- so ready. And one minor consideration can derail things so drastically. I'm so sorry this happened.
You really are brave though, and I admire it deeply. You're no coward for wanting the right exit for yourself.

Wishing you the best.

<3

That's how it goes, isn't it; always the stupidest things that derail us...the line between life and death is so thin yet so thick at the same time.

Thank you for those kind words, love the Sufjan Stevens reference btw, that's my favourite song of his.

 

[AkaRed]

That's how it goes, isn't it; always the stupidest things that derail us...the line between life and death is so thin yet so thick at the same time.

Thank you for those kind words, love the Sufjan Stevens reference btw, that's my favourite song of his.

It's all it takes, really. But you deserve the perfect ending. I think it's important in these moments to try and remind/convince yourself that things do happen for a reason. It might not always feel right, or helpful for that matter- but maybe it's better to have a second chance, then to have gone the wrong way, yknow?

I love his songs, especially Fourth of July. It's comforting. ^^

<3

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry. It's so difficult to defeat SI. Don't be too hard to yourself.

 

[lebrodude]

You've been in my thoughts dude.
You're no coward for not taking got the whole way through.

This shit is hard.

Take it easy and be kind to yourself.

 

[Dark Window]

Not a coward, drowning is a shit way to go mate.

 

[bookie]

I hope you find the peace you are looking for

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I hate at how difficult suicide methods are. In my case, the only suicide method that I can access is also drowning but I know that I won't ctb via it soon because of how harsh SI is. There are users on this site who like to insinuate that, just because we're alive, we must have something about life that we enjoy or that we don't want to let go off but I think that's absolutely bullshit. There isn't even a single thing that I enjoy here. I'm only alive because the obstacles to a successful suicide is just far too great. Either way, I hope that you find peace soon regardless of you backing out. If only this world allowed people to die by euthanasia

 

[SVEN]

Vaya con Dios, Alexei, whatever way you travel on. You know that this group understands and supports you through all this.

 

[Socrates Respecter]

Turns out I'm a coward. Despite how ready I felt, despite how at peace I was with my decision, when I was standing there on the ledge, I found that I couldn't make the leap. All it would've taken was the smallest of movements and this all could've been over, and I couldn't do it.

It wasn't even death that scared me, nor the prospect of drowning. In fact I was looking forward to being underneath the water. What scared me was the impact from the fall. I knew that once my toes left the safety of the ledge, there'd be no way of controlling my descent, and I could land in a painful or injurious way. It shouldn't have mattered, of course, given how much of a certainty death would be, but pain is pain. And I wanted to go out relatively peacefully...

Thank you all for the well wishes in any case. I am hoping to try again soon now that I know that this is the actual hurdle that I have to overcome or mitigate, not the drowning itself (which is where my attention had mostly been previously). @lebrodude you might also want to take this into account.

I'm trying not to feel so defeated and instead just view it as a lesson, so that next time I can do better. For now I'll just make myself some tea and go lie down, try to destress a bit.

I wish the universe would recognize the effort I just went through and not let me wake up again. I really wanted to go...

A desperate plan indeed, I doubt I'd go through with it. I was checking on you after recalling our small exchange about the blackout drowning method a while ago, hoping you'd come up with some new takes and was surprised to see this. Like I said in one of my threads, I am still searching for a holy grail method that would be peaceful and easy. Inert Gas looks promising but it requires money and skills to construct the thing. Then there is suspension hanging, but it's probably quite uncomfortable

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide really is so unnecessarily difficult after all so I don't believe that those who struggle with it are cowardly but anyway I wish you the best and I hope that when the time is right you find the freedom you search for.

 

[hopeless08]

I've found my peace. I've made my decision. I'm CTBing tonight.

Method:

Ultimately, drowning. I am going to jump off a relatively short bridge with a heavy backpack (~15kg) securely attached to me with zip ties and a contraption of my own making. I will land in a rushing river that's currently at about 5-7 degrees celsius. Though I'm not using shallow water blackout as the main method, I will be hyperventilating for minimum two minutes before jumping in order to reduce my CO2 levels and enable me to hold my breath longer. Because I will be jumping in cold water, my oxygen will be used up quicker, so with the low CO2 (which is what gives you the urge to breathe) + high O2 usage, my time to unconsciousness should be relatively short and I should black out before the panic and pain set in (though I am prepared for the possibility that I don't black out in time).

I know drowning is looked down upon on this site, but there aren't many other methods available to me, and to be honest, I don't want to go any other way. Sometimes a method just speaks to you. I want to join myself to the eternal flow of the river.


I haven't been on here long but this site has given me a lot of comfort and camaraderie in my final days. I'm thankful that it exists and I'm grateful to all those who took the time to read/react/reply to my comments. @february in alaska, I know you're planning on going soon too (if you're not already gone), and I wish you all the best, whatever the outcome.

I'm signing out after this so I won't see any of your replies. If I don't come back within six or so hours you can assume I went through with it and succeeded (there is almost no chance of getting rescued in my case). I have to be realistic though and understand that SI can strike at any time, so there is of course a chance I don't jump and come back here in disappointment and defeat.

To close, one of the most commonly discussed subjects on this site is how to know when you're ready, how to know when the time is right. It's something I've often thought about myself. Now that I've arrived at the moment myself, I think the answer is annoyingly simple: you'll know it when you see it. It's not something that can be forced; it just is. I am at peace.

One enters upon it [suicide] in order to end the torment and, in moving forward, sacrifices even the moments of elevation, never without the mourning of farewell, always in the feeling of throwing away a burden that became too heavy. Let what is coming be the business of the others. In the future they can make of me what they want, in forgetting and remembering.
- On Suicide: A Discourse on Voluntary Death by

I wish you eternal peace and I'm glad you are comfortable and at ease with your decision.

I've found my peace. I've made my decision. I'm CTBing tonight.

Method:

Ultimately, drowning. I am going to jump off a relatively short bridge with a heavy backpack (~15kg) securely attached to me with zip ties and a contraption of my own making. I will land in a rushing river that's currently at about 5-7 degrees celsius. Though I'm not using shallow water blackout as the main method, I will be hyperventilating for minimum two minutes before jumping in order to reduce my CO2 levels and enable me to hold my breath longer. Because I will be jumping in cold water, my oxygen will be used up quicker, so with the low CO2 (which is what gives you the urge to breathe) + high O2 usage, my time to unconsciousness should be relatively short and I should black out before the panic and pain set in (though I am prepared for the possibility that I don't black out in time).

I know drowning is looked down upon on this site, but there aren't many other methods available to me, and to be honest, I don't want to go any other way. Sometimes a method just speaks to you. I want to join myself to the eternal flow of the river.


I haven't been on here long but this site has given me a lot of comfort and camaraderie in my final days. I'm thankful that it exists and I'm grateful to all those who took the time to read/react/reply to my comments. @february in alaska, I know you're planning on going soon too (if you're not already gone), and I wish you all the best, whatever the outcome.

I'm signing out after this so I won't see any of your replies. If I don't come back within six or so hours you can assume I went through with it and succeeded (there is almost no chance of getting rescued in my case). I have to be realistic though and understand that SI can strike at any time, so there is of course a chance I don't jump and come back here in disappointment and defeat.

To close, one of the most commonly discussed subjects on this site is how to know when you're ready, how to know when the time is right. It's something I've often thought about myself. Now that I've arrived at the moment myself, I think the answer is annoyingly simple: you'll know it when you see it. It's not something that can be forced; it just is. I am at peace.

One enters upon it [suicide] in order to end the torment and, in moving forward, sacrifices even the moments of elevation, never without the mourning of farewell, always in the feeling of throwing away a burden that became too heavy. Let what is coming be the business of the others. In the future they can make of me what they want, in forgetting and remembering.
- On Suicide: A Discourse on Voluntary Death by

I wish you eternal peace and I'm glad you are comfortable and at ease with your decision.

 

[february in alaska]

Turns out I'm a coward. Despite how ready I felt, despite how at peace I was with my decision, when I was standing there on the ledge, I found that I couldn't make the leap. All it would've taken was the smallest of movements and this all could've been over, and I couldn't do it.

It wasn't even death that scared me, nor the prospect of drowning. In fact I was looking forward to being underneath the water. What scared me was the impact from the fall. I knew that once my toes left the safety of the ledge, there'd be no way of controlling my descent, and I could land in a painful or injurious way. It shouldn't have mattered, of course, given how much of a certainty death would be, but pain is pain. And I wanted to go out relatively peacefully...

Thank you all for the well wishes in any case. I am hoping to try again soon now that I know that this is the actual hurdle that I have to overcome or mitigate, not the drowning itself (which is where my attention had mostly been previously). @lebrodude you might also want to take this into account.

I'm trying not to feel so defeated and instead just view it as a lesson, so that next time I can do better. For now I'll just make myself some tea and go lie down, try to destress a bit.

I wish the universe would recognize the effort I just went through and not let me wake up again. I really wanted to go...

Looks like we're both stuck here a bit longer. I'm so sorry, it's never easy even when you feel like you're completely ready. Definitely get some rest and best of luck if you do plan any more attempts in the near future... take care stranger

 

[gorexzxz]

Good Luck. Wishing the best for you.

 

[bipbapbop]

So sorry you had to go through such a difficult situation. I think you are incredibly brave despite the fact that you did not receive your intended outcome. I hope you are doing okay now and that your journey eventually brings you to where you need to go.

 

[Dliena]

Suicide can be VERY hard it's def not easy at all but I support you whatever you do and you're braver than I am.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I hate at how difficult suicide methods are. In my case, the only suicide method that I can access is also drowning but I know that I won't ctb via it soon because of how harsh SI is. There are users on this site who like to insinuate that, just because we're alive, we must have something about life that we enjoy or that we don't want to let go off but I think that's absolutely bullshit. There isn't even a single thing that I enjoy here. I'm only alive because the obstacles to a successful suicide is just far too great. Either way, I hope that you find peace soon regardless of you backing out. If only this world allowed people to die by euthanasia

I know, it grinds my gears to no end when they equate fear of pain with desire to live. I truly was ready yesterday, I wanted to die and I was not afraid of death. But I was afraid of pain, and that's not a reaction I can control.

I hope we both find a way out.

A desperate plan indeed, I doubt I'd go through with it. I was checking on you after recalling our small exchange about the blackout drowning method a while ago, hoping you'd come up with some new takes and was surprised to see this. Like I said in one of my threads, I am still searching for a holy grail method that would be peaceful and easy. Inert Gas looks promising but it requires money and skills to construct the thing. Then there is suspension hanging, but it's probably quite uncomfortable

Yeah, hanging is pretty much the only other method available to me but I happen to have an innate aversion to it so I don't think I'd ever be able to do it. There is no holy grail in 2024.

Looks like we're both stuck here a bit longer. I'm so sorry, it's never easy even when you feel like you're completely ready. Definitely get some rest and best of luck if you do plan any more attempts in the near future... take care stranger

It just sucks because it's like, if I couldn't do it yesterday, when everything was right, then when will I be able to do it? A part of me thinks I just need to do some research on how to fall safely from heights, and maybe also just mentally prepare myself for the impact, but what if I don't get that feeling of readiness and peace again? The most abominable idea to me is being condemned to further life. Especially when I had my chance right in front of me.