Goodbye from the grave, and the space that is left after.

[Tuonetar_]

Hello all, im not entirely sure how to preface this and even the fact of posting is an act of some kind of screaming into the void. This is not some elaborate bait and attempt to conjure a dramatic narrative.

This is the account of my little sister. This is her older brother, the one who found her and has taken possession of what few worldly objects she had. Im sure we can all get into a moral discussion of me accessing this profile and account, but that's besides the fact. I am writing in a stream of consciousness so excuse both my (possibly unwelcome) presence and prose.

I was left all of her banking information, account information, and a few other varieties of passwords and usernames. After a few attempts to get into her laptop one finally worked. With this site and account being the only open item.

My sister passed Jan 15th, or possibly the 16th. The timeline is blurred but going through her post history that seems to check out. I gained access to her apartment on the 16th late into the afternoon after she did not show up to her scheduled shift at work, to which my best friend was her co-worker and notified me. To use your nomenclature and parlance, she took "took the bus" at the age of 26, her birthday was the 5th of January.

For what its worth, i completely respect her choice. And as someone that has struggled with suicidal ideation myself, I think taking your life is a right reserved for any creature with existence upon this mortal coil. It is one aspect of the gift that is the concious life, you get to make that decision at any time.

That said, i also respect the space that has been cultivated here. I don't wish to expose or chastise this community, what you have built here is a thing of morbid internet beauty, and i have the utmost respect for that.

On that note too i want to express my thanks for giving her the space to express herself in her most authentic way, I can see the love and respect you all have for one another and the choice you perhaps wish to take.

We had become (not necessarily estranged) but distant in the recent years. This is one of my many attempts to get to "know her" in a truly authentic way. I had been working on my budding artistic career as an artist and had been so caught up in the hustle I had lost sight of the importance of our relationship, a regret I will unfortunately carry with me for the rest of my life. I had always thought I could simply reach out next week, and the next week after.

I loved her deeply despite the distance, she was a bright and beautiful and talented young woman. A prolific writer, an extremely talented collage artist, the most amazing cook I could ever imagine, the ultimate Elder Scrolls historian, she was loving (despite the cutting sarcastic wit), and the greatest sister I could ever have asked for.

It has taken me weeks to work up the courage to simply open up her laptop. I am glad I did; I'm glad I get to see a fragment of that wondrous mind.

Im gonna leave this page open for the next few hours while I clean and grieve some more given the reopened wound. If you have and questions, regardless of morbidity, or simply need to express something I am here for it and will listen with an open heart. I have love and empathy and respect for each and every one of you, and perhaps I can offer some insight into the space that is left after your bus ticket gets punched.

Forever and always I will love you Regan. I only wish I could see and talk shit with you one more time.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. 26 is very, very young. Even though I'm planning my own demise, and much older, it's still quite sad that it has to come down to this final act for some many. The world is very cruel in that respect and quite unfair. Did your sister have suicidal ideation for much of her life? Did she seek any help for it? I hope she has finally found the peace that she sought.

 

[ma0]

I wholeheartedly respect you for your reaction to all of this. Of course, by all means, grieve. It's a natural part of being human, but there have been quite a few cases of people finding this website after someone they know CTB'ed, and proceeding to attack and harrass us for "encouraging them."

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for being respectful towards her decision and this website. I'm glad this place could be some kind of refuge for her, and I am so so glad you recognise that.

I'm sorry that all of this had to happen, suicide can be very damaging for people, but I hope you can grieve in a healthy way and that, whatever you do later in life, I hope you can be successful. Of course I've not seen your art but I know it'll get you far.

 

[Tuonetar_]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. 26 is very, very young. Even though I'm planning my own demise, and much older, it's still quite sad that it has to come down to this final act for some many. The world is very cruel in that respect and quite unfair. Did your sister have suicidal ideation for much of her life? Did she seek any help for it? I hope she has finally found the peace that she sought.

She had struggled with it for most of her life. She began retreating to internet spaces and removing herself at a very early age, maybe 8 or 9? I dont want to postulate causality, as she seemed to enjoy the isolation and struggled to be "part of the world". We both grew up with emotionally and physically (pops came in and out of our lives) distant parents. I believe she had been on and off in therapy and medication (heresay from my mother whos not the most faithful narrarator).

I too hope she found peace. Her letters did not come from vindication, pain. They felt light, hopeful and somewhat remorseful. The one addressed to me personally was very loving and sweet. Im not one for afterlife or any of the canonical thoughts on rebirth etc. i find them to be an emotional opiate.

I have to take solace that this is exactly what she wanted to do, it was thought out, intentional, and seemed to be a long time coming. In my eyes there was no "saving her". Not that she needed to be saved. I had hoped she would wait for her brain to be done cooking before making such a decision, but i also understand and empathize with her suffering and will love her nonetheless. Forever and always.

I wholeheartedly respect you for your reaction to all of this. Of course, by all means, grieve. It's a natural part of being human, but there have been quite a few cases of people finding this website after someone they know CTB'ed, and proceeding to attack and harrass us for "encouraging them."

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for being respectful towards her decision and this website. I'm glad this place could be some kind of refuge for her, and I am so so glad you recognise that.

I'm sorry that all of this had to happen, suicide can be very damaging for people, but I hope you can grieve in a healthy way and that, whatever you do later in life, I hope you can be successful. Of course I've not seen your art but I know it'll get you far.

Thank you, and from the bottom of mine, I do love all of you. There should not be guilt in a life lived and ended with intention. And know that despite the harshness of reality that love exists in many forms, whether its know to you or not. That love may not be "enough" but its what i can offer beyond lending an ear and making space. I do not say any of this in an attempt to dissuade anyone, but my love and empathy is true and unwavering for everyone reading this.

 

[theboy]

Oh
26 years... it bothers me that people are practically forced to resort to crude methods. If the famous euthanasia were legal, neither the person nor the relatives would suffer the loss (I guess). Anyway, I want to ask you was your sister on this forum? Just curious and not trying to pry

 

[Tuonetar_]

Oh
26 years... it bothers me that people are practically forced to resort to crude methods. If the famous euthanasia were legal, neither the person nor the relatives would suffer the loss (I guess). Anyway, I want to ask you was your sister on this forum? Just curious and not trying to pry

youre not prying, im happy to answer and talk. This was her account. She allegedly had this open on the night she passed. I just charged the laptop and was able guess her password to the said laptop with the banking and email information she left behind; this page was still open and luckily she left her account login details saved to Firefox.

Its a morbid situation, but I kind of get to get to know someone that lived in isolation and loved being a mystery and enigma. She was closed off even when we did see each other and its nice to read her words. Im getting to know all the parts of her, "good" or "bad", it feels a bit morally questionable but its what im wanting to do rn.

 

[DarkShadows]

Did she vomit?

 

[living4others]

I am truly sorry for your loss. Your words were beautiful to read. May Regan rest in peace.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I'm sorry for your loss. I did not know your sister well but she helped me a few times, across multiple threads. She also posted on the GBT's of some of my friends - one of which was a very thorough research based person who had a peaceful passing. I think it's likely knowing someone like that, knowing their passing, would've been reassuring to her.
I really just wanted to comment to you, directly, as the brother. I've known a lot of people IRL to catch their bus, prior to me joining this site. Not all of them were obvious & left a lot of unanswered questions. At the time, I would have been horrified by the existence of this site & the interactions here. But now being on this side, as the hopeful traveller instead of the sad fareweller, I see more of the nuance of life, the nuance of people, all of it.
I understand that suicide is always a choice & not always an easily understood one. And that you are grieving an awful loss in your life. But perhaps finding this site is the tiny sliver of a silver lining - to see that yes, she was on a suicide site & that sounds awful, but to see that she was helping & being helped, showed others grace & was herself shown grace - I hope you can carry that with you, alongside your grief.
To see over this side, that insight, I hope there's some comfort in that. I always say that I hate that we are here but I am grateful that here exists.

 

[fallingtopieces]

Did she vomit?

Hey there, this isn't the best time/place to ask. There are many threads about this. PM me if you want.

 

[Tuonetar_]

Did she vomit?

She did. seeing her wasnt particularly gruesome, id much prefer her bile than her brains to witness. Her body certainly did try to expel the SN. Ive have the unfortunate experience prior to seeing her of witnessing death in front of me (albeit not to their own accord that time). Death is not particularly beautiful, it is not romantic in its sight, life is not a movie afterall.

 

[Tuonetar_]

I'm sorry for your loss. I did not know your sister well but she helped me a few times, across multiple threads. She also posted on the GBT's of some of my friends - one of which was a very thorough research based person who had a peaceful passing. I think it's likely knowing someone like that, knowing their passing, would've been reassuring to her.
I really just wanted to comment to you, directly, as the brother. I've known a lot of people IRL to catch their bus, prior to me joining this site. Not all of them were obvious & left a lot of unanswered questions. At the time, I would have been horrified by the existence of this site & the interactions here. But now being on this side, as the hopeful traveller instead of the sad fareweller, I see more of the nuance of life, the nuance of people, all of it.
I understand that suicide is always a choice & not always an easily understood one. And that you are grieving an awful loss in your life. But perhaps finding this site is the tiny sliver of a silver lining - to see that yes, she was on a suicide site & that sounds awful, but to see that she was helping & being helped, showed others grace & was herself shown grace - I hope you can carry that with you, alongside your grief.
To see over this side, that insight, I hope there's some comfort in that. I always say that I hate that we are here but I am grateful that here exists.

I am happy to be here too. And for what its worth im happy there is some community here. She struggled to grow with and around people, she struggled socially, and I think the veneer of the internet provided her the ability to actually be authentically herself. Suicide is described (like most things in life) in a black or a white, but the truth is far more grey. Im not here to change or save, but express the endless love I have for her and all of us that struggle. Im honored that she was able to connect and influence even the most infinitesimal ways.

in her own words "Love throughout all of Samsara" may your cycle continue or end at your own accord.

 

[Peace2peace]

Has she been buried?, how does your parents feel about her ctb cause she mentioned strained relationship with her step dad

 

[Tuonetar_]

Has she been buried?, how does your parents feel about her ctb cause she mentioned strained relationship with her step dad

She was cremated, and had expressed that wish to my father, shes "sitting" behind me as I type this. As for my step father, hes an ass. I dont talk to him much, if ever. Obviously their (my mother and sisters) relationship was strained after the altercation, as was mine with my mother for coming to his defense.

They're of course devastated, my father is handling it well considering, he's choosing to remember her for all the moments they had. He did not want to attend the service and have that be the last memory of her.

My mother is doing the usual cycles of guilt and depression, the alcoholism isnt helping. And being a "strong" christian woman she refuses to get professional grief help and mostly just texts me about her breaking down. My job is to simply make space and set boundaries. She will grieve as she will, and much like Regan; I cannot save or change her.

I think between all of us there is the usual mix of anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, and everything between. Ive more or less made my peace but have been in active therapy for years, so I have strategies and community (of which im very fortunate)

 

[Alo the obvi alien]

Im sorry for your loss. Please know that distance wasn't just on your end though. Depression and SI leads to a path of isolation. It wasn't your fault, it was mental illness that got the best of her. I know she loved you till the end no matter how long it may have been. You will always be her brother and first best friend. Im sorry you had to log on here as well. I know the context of this site is controversial and I know a part of you probably blame everyone on here for her passing, and for that I'm sorry as well.

 

[Tuonetar_]

Im sorry for your loss. Please know that distance wasn't just on your end though. Depression and SI leads to a path of isolation. It wasn't your fault, it was mental illness that got the best of her. I know she loved you till the end no matter how long it may have been. You will always be her brother and first best friend. Im sorry you had to log on here as well. I know the context of this site is controversial and I know a part of you probably blame everyone on here for her passing, and for that I'm sorry as well.

I blame no one. This is a personal journey and one I can respect. She made her decision even if I wanted different for her. Im content in knowing she did her research, contemplated this, and did what she thought was best for her journey through this cosmic absurdity. Ill miss her deeply and will forever carry her with me unit I return to the cosmos like the rest of us.

 

[Alo the obvi alien]

I blame no one. This is a personal journey and one I can respect. She made her decision even if I wanted different for her. Im content in knowing she did her research, contemplated this, and did what she thought was best for her journey through this cosmic absurdity. Ill miss her deeply and will forever carry her with me unit I return to the cosmos like the rest of us.

You truly have been through a lot even before this. Im sorry for your loss. Im sorry for all your pain.

 

[ctemourge]

i am sorry for your loss ♡ i hope this message finds you well. take time to grieve & take care of yourself as well

 

[Peace2peace]

How was blue was her body?, was it very traumatizing, was her body on the bed or floor did she drink the second cup sorry for asking just to know how sn works

 

[Groundhog_Day]

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm really sorry for you and your family. It's rare for someone to be so understanding and empathetic to a loved one's decision in this situation. You seem like an awesome person, as did your sister, from reading her posts.

Sorry if this is a random question, but did your sister have adhd? It's just that she mentioned being happy at the start of the covid lockdown, being able to read lots of books etc. She seemed to struggle with the more mundane aspects of life. I've been learning about adhd, and this seems to resonate. You can have great attention for things that interest you, but everyday mundane activities can feel impossible.

 

[FuneralCry]

Rest in peace.

 

[CatLvr]

It is an amazing range of emotions for me when a family member finds an account and decides to interact with us, especially as lovingly and respectfully as you have. I am sorry for your sister's passing, for you and your family's pain. I am also happy for her, that she is no longer suffering.

I will light candles this evening. One for you and one for your sister. May her spirit live with you from now on and protect and keep you. Know she is now at peace and happy in ways she could never manage to be when she was here -- well, except when she was with you. You were her world. Blessed be.

 

[SVEN]

I remember your sister, would offer my respectful sympathy and trust that she has now found the rest and peace for which she longed.
The song she shared, "Horse With no Name" by America resonated with me at the time and will remind me of her in my own, limited, future.

 

[cosmos_12]

I am glad that you are able to share your experience with us. And that you understand part of my struggle and do not judge me for my choice in CTB. It is part of something that I always wanted to end and the time has come very close to my end and suffering. It has been many decades of suffering and me wanting to end it all. I have been this way since about 8 years old and many decades have now passed. Time to go soon.

 

[maniac116]

I'm so very sorry for your terrible loss. I can't even imagine losing a sibling to suicide. I know from my own losses that so many questions remain after a person takes their life as well as the confusion as "why?".
Why didn't they say something? How long were they in such pain etc.
I believe we have a natural right to terminate a life we can no longer deal with.
But I believe we need to think of those we leave behind & the tragedy we leave behind in the laps of those we leave behind.
I hope you are able to find answers to the questions you have & are able to work through the tragedy you're currently going through

 

[Tuonetar_]

How was blue was her body?, was it very traumatizing, was her body on the bed or floor did she drink the second cup sorry for asking just to know how sn works

She was quite blue, and she had likely been gone for 24-48 hours before i arrived. I didnt take mental note of the cups in the area, and active crime scenes are difficult to see in the moment. She most likely passed through hypoxia on her bed. We finally got the death certificates in just last week but they dont include the toxicology report, just lethal overdose of SN.

Yes of course it was traumatizing, as ive said before its not the first time ive seen a body, so I have that experience already under my belt. Seeing a dead stranger is much different than seeing your kid sister. She had left a note on her door warning of the image that lay beyond it. Of course I ignored it, I think she had assumed that the cops or fire department would perform a wellness check a week after, not that I would be the one to harass the apartment management to let me in. That said I am glad i was the one that was there to witness and handle the situation.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm really sorry for you and your family. It's rare for someone to be so understanding and empathetic to a loved one's decision in this situation. You seem like an awesome person, as did your sister, from reading her posts.

Sorry if this is a random question, but did your sister have adhd? It's just that she mentioned being happy at the start of the covid lockdown, being able to read lots of books etc. She seemed to struggle with the more mundane aspects of life. I've been learning about adhd, and this seems to resonate. You can have great attention for things that interest you, but everyday mundane activities can feel impossible.

We come from a long line of mental illness and disability, my father is dyslexic adhd, and my mother is in constant active addiction. I myself have never been diagnosed, but what ive learned resonates with me as well. The web-md and web-dsm expertise does little for me; and i trust the study and work of accredited psychologists over my own conclusions. I think more than anything she enjoyed escapism and providing for others, she was able to escape her reality through literature and video games, and was able to provide for others by cooking at events and working in kitchens. I'm not sure of a diagnosis there but that's how i understood her to cope with it all.

 

[ForsakenEcho]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can take the time you need to grieve and take care of yourself. May her memory bring you comfort, and may she rest in peace.

 

[areyousafe??]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

You seem to be a very understanding and loving brother, and I'm sure your sister appreciated your close relationship. Thank you for sharing your experience, and again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[theboy]

Wow
So now that you have access you have a lot of answers about your sister.
I really don't know what would happen if my family opened this websit

youre not prying, im happy to answer and talk. This was her account. She allegedly had this open on the night she passed. I just charged the laptop and was able guess her password to the said laptop with the banking and email information she left behind; this page was still open and luckily she left her account login details saved to Firefox.

Its a morbid situation, but I kind of get to get to know someone that lived in isolation and loved being a mystery and enigma. She was closed off even when we did see each other and its nice to read her words. Im getting to know all the parts of her, "good" or "bad", it feels a bit morally questionable but its what im wanting to do rn.

 

[lifeisbutadream]

God bless you, Tuonetar's brother! Our life on earth is just a brief dream. You and your little sister will be together again in a far far better place!