Goodbye -CTB tomorrow hopefully

[timetodie24]

i hope you're still with us, there's some things that I'd like to talk to you about. I never say this to anyone when they desire to ctb, but you don't have to do this. There may be help for you. These are symptoms of delusions and psychosis. You won't believe what I say obviously, but please try and talk to someone and tell them what you've told us. They will help you make sense of everything.

Obviously the method she is using is unacceptable and horrible for people involved. In any other case, one could deduce that this is incredibly selfish, but clearly she is going through delusions and psychosis. In her mind she's going to save a lot of people by doing this. How is no one aware that these are obvious symptoms of psychosis and not pointing it out? The encouraging "wishing you peace" messages or the attacks at her don't make sense. Yes, telling her its selfish and that she shouldn't do this is absolutely necessary, but she is not in her right mind, clearly.

Already had this argument in many threads but a goodbye thread isn't really the place for it. So many people have repeatedly suggested psychosis. I did take their advice and had assessment from an early intervention in psychosis team who ruled out psychosis. Professionals know a lot more from their expertise and thorough face to face assessment . Than lay strangers reading limited info on a forum.
I am in my right mind and I am going to save people when I eventually do it.

 

[fleetingnight]

I still have to go through with the same plan as deadline before disaster for many is approaching. I don't like it either but I have no choice. Yes it may traumatise driver but will save up to 100s lives. I have no choice so don't care what people here think. I can't tonight but will asap. As I'm running out of time to complete the 2 tasks (CTB and something they want me to do first. The other task I feel really guilty about too but is sadly necessary) and very scared for others.

Thank you so much and sorry to those who wished me peace. I will remember those messages when I do it next time

There's no need to be sorry. It's really kind and thoughtful of you to wait it out until there's less risk of a crash. Whether it's for a little or a long time, it's still nice to have you back. No one's upset with you, and it looks like nothing bad happened to anyone from you delaying it, which is good! I hope you feel you're able to at least take your time a bit more now

 

[astr4]

Already had this argument in many threads but a goodbye thread isn't really the place for it. So many people have repeatedly suggested psychosis. I did take their advice and had assessment from an early intervention in psychosis team who ruled out psychosis. Professionals know a lot more from their expertise and thorough face to face assessment . Than lay strangers reading limited info on a forum.
I am in my right mind and I am going to save people when I eventually do it.

why not get a second opinion? if you're positive it's not psychosis then it won't change anything anyways, right? so why not see?

 

[timetodie24]

why not get a second opinion? if you're positive it's not psychosis then it won't change anything anyways, right? so why not see?

Because I don't need one. It was specialist psychosis team who had an MDT meeting so mutliple opinions of different professionals.

Even if I wanted to (i don't) I couldn't, not that simple on NHS. I can't access psychiatrist since rejected by psychosis team and general community mental health team. I can't afford private.

There's no need to be sorry. It's really kind and thoughtful of you to wait it out until there's less risk of a crash. Whether it's for a little or a long time, it's still nice to have you back. No one's upset with you, and it looks like nothing bad happened to anyone from you delaying it, which is good! I hope you feel you're able to at least take your time a bit more now

thank you for your kindness

 

[BoredomSeeker]

Because I don't need one. It was specialist psychosis team who had an MDT meeting so mutliple opinions of different professionals.

Even if I wanted to (i don't) I couldn't, not that simple on NHS. I can't access psychiatrist since rejected by psychosis team and general community mental health team. I can't afford private.

thank you for your kindness

I've read a few of your threads, and I can only come to the conclusion that you are experiencing some kind of psychosis or similar affliction. I know I'm just another internet stranger, just another random person. But from what I understand, you are under the impression that some group that is "in control" has been sending you secret messages, which, when decrypted, tell you to ctb, "or else".

I know it will probably not make a difference hearing it from me, you've already heard it said by many others. But I at least wanted to try: Please reconsider. Don't traumatise some random driver for this, and don't take "the bus". There is no group controlling the world that wants you to commit suicide.

I don't think I have words that can convince you of that, I don't know if words capable of that exist. But even so, I would rather give it a shot than not try at all.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Because I don't need one. It was specialist psychosis team who had an MDT meeting so mutliple opinions of different professionals.

Even if I wanted to (i don't) I couldn't, not that simple on NHS. I can't access psychiatrist since rejected by psychosis team and general community mental health team. I can't afford private.

thank you for your kindness

You could call the crisis team (or phone 111 and ask them to refer you to the crisis team if your crisis team don't accept self-referrals). You'll probably have to tell 111 what's happening to you if you phone them, regarding the voices, timescale, consequences if you don't do what they say and what they are saying you have to do. Crisis will reassess you and give you access to a psychiatrist within days or even immediately. They'll usually speak to you within 4 hours or less. Tell them ALL of your fears and what you think you have to do and why. No harm in that surely? You could even call 999, but the crisis team have the direct access to a psychiatrist. I've always found they understand everything.

 

[another_creature]

Please don't hurt anybody on your way out

So um I'm here and not back from the dead. A bit embarrassed and frustrated …

In the stupidest reason for delaying ctb ever it was torrential rain all sunday afternoon (when I planned to do it). Didn't want to do a long walk in the rain lmao but main issue was it adds extra risk factors - traffic would be slower reducing fatality chance and I could be more likely to cause a crash due to poor visibility.

I still have to go through with the same plan as deadline before disaster for many is approaching. I don't like it either but I have no choice. Yes it may traumatise driver but will save up to 100s lives. I have no choice so don't care what people here think. I can't tonight but will asap. As I'm running out of time to complete the 2 tasks (CTB and something they want me to do first. The other task I feel really guilty about too but is sadly necessary) and very scared for others.

Thank you so much and sorry to those who wished me peace. I will remember those messages when I do it next time

 

[timetodie24]

You could call the crisis team (or phone 111 and ask them to refer you to the crisis team if your crisis team don't accept self-referrals). You'll probably have to tell 111 what's happening to you if you phone them, regarding the voices, timescale, consequences if you don't do what they say and what they are saying you have to do. Crisis will reassess you and give you access to a psychiatrist within days or even immediately. They'll usually speak to you within 4 hours or less. Tell them ALL of your fears and what you think you have to do and why. No harm in that surely? You could even call 999, but the crisis team have the direct access to a psychiatrist. I've always found they understand everything.

Crisis team here are shit. Made me feel worse in past. Most of the time don't even see a psych , just same questions by nurses each visit. Last time their advice was 'google distraction techniques' and 'autism is your superpower'

Please don't hurt anybody on your way out

I'm going to save lots of people I promise

 

[alltoomuch2]

Crisis team here are shit. Made me feel worse in past. Most of the time don't even see a psych , just same questions by nurses each visit. Last time their advice was 'google distraction techniques' and 'autism is your superpower'

I'm going to save lots of people I promise

But that was then and now things are different for you. I'm autistic too. I don't think its a superpower. It's ok, but it isn't a superpower. Maybe you could ask to see a different member of the crisis team. Now you're being forced to do things against your will and hurt other people so I think you need to give them the chance to know whats happening to you. And tell them not say "autism is a superpower" too!!! I mean we're direct and don't faff about like some neurotypicals, but I wouldn't call it a superpower, it's just efficient. Tell crisis what you want from them, and why you didn't want to contact them this time. How you felt about what they said and did before. Tell them that you and others are in danger and you are worried what will happen if they don't help you. Tell them if they don't help you, someone will be harmed or die.

 

[Whale_bones]

Hi @timetodie24 , this is my first comment to you, but I've read the recent long threads as they happened (so I'm not just commenting out of the blue!). You've brought up quite a few times how incompetent and frustrating the NHS and local mental health services are. I relate to this frustration as, though I don't live in the U.K., it often feels like navigating a minefield with mental health services where I'm at too.

You've mentioned that people often aren't taken seriously, and unless you check certain boxes you're left with no support. Some of the things they've recommended to you, like listening to podcasts or TED talks, sound to me like very low-quality, generic advice that's not specific to the client (you).

I say all this because, if it's your experience that the local mental health services can be ineffective and even incompetent (which from everything you've said, certainly sounds to be the case), does it make sense to have full confidence that an assessment from them is accurate? Of course, they could be incompetent in some areas while being fine in others, I don't know.

But it's just something that stood out to me when reading about your experiences. I likely wouldn't have full confidence in them if I were in your shoes. And I don't in *my* local services (only in my personal therapist who I was lucky to find.)

I don't have any solutions for you though, I'm just hoping things will turn around in a good way for you soon, if at all possible. Sending you good energy.

 

[timetodie24]

Hi @timetodie24 , this is my first comment to you, but I've read the recent long threads as they happened (so I'm not just commenting out of the blue!). You've brought up quite a few times how incompetent and frustrating the NHS and local mental health services are. I relate to this frustration as, though I don't live in the U.K., it often feels like navigating a minefield with mental health services where I'm at too.

You've mentioned that people often aren't taken seriously, and unless you check certain boxes you're left with no support. Some of the things they've recommended to you, like listening to podcasts or TED talks, sound to me like very low-quality, generic advice that's not specific to the client (you).

I say all this because, if it's your experience that the local mental health services can be ineffective and even incompetent (which from everything you've said, certainly sounds to be the case), does it make sense to have full confidence that an assessment from them is accurate? Of course, they could be incompetent in some areas while being fine in others, I don't know.

But it's just something that stood out to me when reading about your experiences. I likely wouldn't have full confidence in them if I were in your shoes. And I don't in *my* local services (only in my personal therapist who I was lucky to find.)

I don't have any solutions for you though, I'm just hoping things will turn around in a good way for you soon, if at all possible. Sending you good energy.

Thank you for your comment and understanding .I'm sorry you've had bad experiences with MH services, they seem to be broken in many places!
It hasn't all been bad for me, eventhough I've complained on here. With some services I've had some good support over the years. It's been a mixed bag. I have faith in the psychosis team as it all worked as it should have . The MHP suspected psychosis, referred me straight away and within a week I had a thorough assessment. One of the nurses assessing I knew from when he worked in a different service too , as I had some therapy with him a few years ago. So I trust him and his judgement.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Thank you for your comment and understanding .I'm sorry you've had bad experiences with MH services, they seem to be broken in many places!
It hasn't all been bad for me, eventhough I've complained on here. With some services I've had some good support over the years. It's been a mixed bag. I have faith in the psychosis team as it all worked as it should have . The MHP suspected psychosis, referred me straight away and within a week I had a thorough assessment. One of the nurses assessing I knew from when he worked in a different service too , as I had some therapy with him a few years ago. So I trust him and his judgement.

Does he know what the voices are telling you to do now?

 

[timetodie24]

Does he know what the voices are telling you to do now?

Not specifically. But he does know that I have to ctb to save others and also that they told me to harm others.

 

[todiefor]

Not specifically. But he does know that I have to ctb to save others and also that they told me to harm others.

Um, you said this to a psychosis specialist and they were like oh ok, that isn't psychosis or some kind of episode? Are they saying hearing voices and decoding messages that tells you to harm yourself and do something that harm others isn't psychosis or some kind of episode? Can you explain in what sense or under what circumstances it wouldn't be? Are they agreeing with you that it makes sense to be decoding messages and hearing voices that is telling you to harm yourself and others, and you ctbing could save 100s of lives?

 

[timetodie24]

Um, you said this to a psychosis specialist and they were like oh ok, that isn't psychosis or some kind of episode? Are they saying hearing voices and decoding messages that tells you to harm yourself and do something that harm others isn't psychosis or some kind of episode? Can you explain in what sense or under what circumstances it wouldn't be? Are they agreeing with you that it makes sense to be decoding messages and hearing voices that is telling you to harm yourself and others, and you ctbing could save 100s of lives?

They wouldn't tell me anything in assessment appt. then after MDT meeting they called me and just said it's not psychosis and I need to work on emotional regulation / DBT skills instead.

I think they see the truth and I'm glad they believe me. They know what has to be done for the greater good. They want me to fix the glitch. They know that the system and those in control are real. Therefore it's not an illness as it is just the truth about reality.

 

[IWishIWasAFlower]

Can you explain how your death will solve that glitch? And since you dont like what you have to do, is there not another way to solve that?

 

[timetodie24]

Can you explain how your death will solve that glitch? And since you dont like what you have to do, is there not another way to solve that?

The glitch is me living past my expiry date- me dying fixes that. No other way to solve it. But it has to follow the rules of those in control so can't choose method. And there's forfeit I also have to do first. As glitches can't go unpunished or there'd never be order.

 

[IWishIWasAFlower]

Im sorry that you feel forced to do that. I agree with most people here, trying to get a second opinion doesnt seem harmful to me. I am pro choice, but the way you phrase it it seems like you would prefer another outcome.
Im not from the UK but dont you have something like a crysis intervention thingy you could turn to to get further assessment or at least a redirection to another specialist?
Wish you the best

 

[todiefor]

They wouldn't tell me anything in assessment appt. then after MDT meeting they called me and just said it's not psychosis and I need to work on emotional regulation / DBT skills instead.

I think they see the truth and I'm glad they believe me. They know what has to be done for the greater good. They want me to fix the glitch. They know that the system and those in control are real. Therefore it's not an illness as it is just the truth about reality.

To be very very clear, did they say to u that they see the truth and they beleive you? Sounds like they only said they need u to work on emotions al regulation / dbt skills. Sounds like they deidnitely did not say that they want you to fix the glitch, nor did they say the controls are real. It doesn't sound like the doctors said ANY OF THOSE THINGS NOR DID THEY AGREE WITH YOU ON ANY OF YOUR THEORIES. You should at least go back to them to confirm whether they believe those things or get a second opinion.

 

[timetodie24]

To be very very clear, did they say to u that they see the truth and they beleive you? Sounds like they only said they need u to work on emotions al regulation / dbt skills. Sounds like they deidnitely did not say that they want you to fix the glitch, nor did they say the controls are real. It doesn't sound like the doctors said ANY OF THOSE THINGS NOR DID THEY AGREE WITH YOU ON ANY OF YOUR THEORIES. You should at least go back to them to confirm whether they believe those things or get a second opinion.

They didn't say that but if not psychosis then it's reality so I know they agree. I don't care for their opinion anyway as it doesn't matter.


Not aimed at you , just in general:

Idk why I keep arguing with everyone anyway. I know the truth. There's a system that governs the universe that is bigger than any of us. Yes it's hard to comprehend but if you got the messages you'd all understand too. I'm sorry you haven't all been enlightened in the same way.
They sent me more messages tonight and made me carve them on my skin. They have so much power. More than any of us, more than any professionals. I'm only doing what's right to avoid disaster. I've wanted to ctb for years before this even happened anyway. I'd have done it regardless , just not this method and not the other thing they want me to do.
So it will all work for good.

 

[Darmok]

Timetodie24, I think that on some level, you know you should not do this and you have found reasons not to. I've read your other posts. You are experiencing delusions. Please, please, get some help. Get some medication. Then re-evaluate your decision.