I experienced a nervous breakdown in 2019 which has devastated my life and family around me. I had a beautiful partner, beautiful daughter, a house, a job, enjoyed football, enjoyed life, was friendly to people. Now it's all been ripped away from me and I can no longer function as a human being. Yes I still have a daughter but feel such a useless dad. I don't want her too look after me one day. I'm back with my parents now. I enjoyed my life before stress changed my mindset and led to constant dread, suicidal thoughts, not enjoying anything, guilt, shame, crying, anxiety in public, oversleeping, worry, dread, lack of hope, fear, jealousy, no sex and many more emotions. Like I said I enjoyed life before. Does anyone else feel they enjoyed life before their brain changed. I Don't want some poor fucker to find me dead in a gruesome manner. A hanging body is horrific for someone to find. How would family cope also. I have tried full hanging before and obviously failed. Now I'm scared to fail again. I also didn't know about the bloody head exploding feeling then. Now I know it's bloody horrible after practicing. Why can't we have a simple tablet to take and it be legal to die. Then we would have no gruesome deaths. It'll never happen though as the powers that be will never understand our torment and why would they. I couldn't understand it when well. So did anyone enjoy their life at some point?
The same story. I had great and successful life. One mistake - everything is gone. That's surrealistic.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 44,998
I have never enjoyed life and I have never wanted to be alive. I do not know what it is like, to want to live. It sounds like you have been through a lot. It can be dreadful when we lose what we once had. Living is very painful. We all deserve the option of a peaceful exit at a time of our own choosing, it is cruel how we are denied that. The right to die is important, no one should have to resort to methods like hanging that could fail. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.
at some point I did, yes. I became depressed and started wanting to die when I was 10 but it hasn't always been bad. The end of 2015 to the end of 2016 was good, but when that time period ended I wanted to die until around the end of 2018 to the end of 2019. I just made one irreparable mistake in 2019 and fucked my life and my future up. I would do anything to go back in time. My life has only gotten worse since, in ways I would have never even imagined. I'm only alive because I fail at my every attempt. I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through and what you've lost. I hope one day you find peace
LookingforAnswers
Student
- Mar 15, 2022
- 113
Yes. I loved every second of it. Then also experienced a nervous breakdown of sorts
Fadeawaaaay
Visionary
- Nov 12, 2021
- 2,158
I had a similar experience. Seeds of destruction were there, but was doing okay. Then WHAM. Collapse.
Al_stargate
I was once a pretty angel
- Mar 4, 2022
- 758
Same. It's crazy how devil or whatever can take advantage of your smallest fault or insecurity and plots things around you, just to get you in time and place where he can strike.
Yep I loved my life. I used to be super outgoing, smart and funny. Had a ton of friends and was always out doing something interesting. And then one mistake and now i'm screwed. Used to think life was such an amazing gift but last few years it's just been a deep dark hole. It's tough because I remember how great it used to be so ctbing is harder as result. But I know it can never get better for me so it's only option.
Al_stargate
I was once a pretty angel
- Mar 4, 2022
- 758
That's all I think about, how good it was. I just can't accept current situation knowing it's permanent.
sharky
Lost
- Dec 15, 2021
- 283
Yes. I used to have a pretty ok life (minus the abuse in my choldhood) I think. A wonderful partner, energy, a nice apartment. It wasn't perfect but since I had chronic pain and then started taking meds which made me lack energy, and moody I became more and more depressed and now all I can think of is the good times and it's killing me because I'm alone 24/7 and in such a dark place mentally that it's hard to imagine it used to be different just 2 years ago
LookingforAnswers
Student
- Mar 15, 2022
- 113
I relate to every single one on this post my life was phenomenal.
Now my wife suffers w me every single day
Now my wife suffers w me every single day
yeah i had a really good life till some months ago too, then i fucked it all up and developed severe depression that ended with me being in a psych ward for 2 months.
i know my life is never going back to how it used to be and in the psych ward i saw how it can easily get infinitely worse. i just feel hopeless and dread all the time and am horrified of having to live another 4 decades in misery.
i know my life is never going back to how it used to be and in the psych ward i saw how it can easily get infinitely worse. i just feel hopeless and dread all the time and am horrified of having to live another 4 decades in misery.
I would ask what caused the nervous breakdown--it's rare that they come from nothing.
I feel like a lot of the time when people refer to one "nervous breakdown," It's more like there was one thing that called attention to or highlighted pre-existing problems that now cannot be ignored. It doesn't make the incident less devastating, though.
I feel like a lot of the time when people refer to one "nervous breakdown," It's more like there was one thing that called attention to or highlighted pre-existing problems that now cannot be ignored. It doesn't make the incident less devastating, though.
Life was shit since my skin disease at 14 however I still had people around although not totally accepted they still invited me out and tried to help me wear make up to cover my disease I was more social and then I screwed up with an abuser online screwing my college career I could have landed a job and still been out and about with friends enjoying life. Problem is I just have to accept being friends with men who approached me and never have sex and CTB eventually. And build myself up a bit. Sex lowered myself esteem as I wasn't engaging in healthy habits such as dance, belly dance, martial arts, and no alcohol
You said one mistake. What was the mistake of I can ask? For me there isn't one any one mistake but maybe multiple ones.
I used to be happy and have a great life, good job, happy with my kids and positivity but then developed horrible depression and anxiety. Now nothing I've tried is relieving this and I am losing hope of ever getting better.
I share your thoughts. In 2019 I had 6 months of mania with a neuro illness and med withdrawal. I had so much trauma around this time as well. I ruined my marriage, most my friendships, a business, obliterated my life savings, and owe the taxman so much that I'll be spending years paying it off.
My heartbreak is the worst of it tbh
I go to bed every night hoping I wont see the following day
My heartbreak is the worst of it tbh
I go to bed every night hoping I wont see the following day
dredd1981
All these moments will be lost in time
- May 1, 2022
- 102
I can relate. I had a breakdown in December 2021. Up until then I was married, was financially stable, no kids but four lovely dogs and I was relatively happy. My wife decided to, rather than help me up, kick me while I was down. Kicked me out of the house and told me I wasn't allowed back in then a few weeks later broke up with me. I'm currently having to live with my mum along with two of my dogs and face a future of loneliness, hardship and worry. I could probably have gotten over the breakdown had my wife not been an utter c*nt to me. Really couldn't believe that she did that to me, all my motivation for getting help came from my desire to go home to my wife and dogs, then she took that away from me. Bitch.
My life literally used to be amazing too until I had a massive psychotic episode caused by smoking weed that was untreated for ages :( lost all my friends, got kicked out of the place I was living, now just have suicidal thoughts all day every day. Wish I had known that this could happen - I never would have touched any drugs. There was so much stuff I wanted to do in my life.
headwood
Member
- Feb 9, 2022
- 35
I too can relate. I've had mental problems for my whole adult life that in hindsight should have been addressed decades ago...but on the whole I was happy, loved life, nature and music until I broke down in the spring of 2021 during what I did not realize at the time was a battery of inexplicable mental and physical symptoms from neurological Lyme disease that infected my brain and central nervous system. In my brain's state of utter confusion, mania and paranoia, I threw away my partner, my two stepchildren and a beautiful farmhouse and property in a gorgeous rural area. It was ugly and traumatic, and I had no way to recognize or express to her that my behavior was largely the result of my brain being infected and overtaken. Now our future is dead, it's too late, she has moved on and she will never speak to me again.
The past 14 months have been a hellscape of neurological symptoms and the complete collapse of my mind as my personality has been systematically dismantled and I have become a shell of a human being. I live on the bleeding edge of panic, which lurks at all times around the corner. I am afraid of everything, even my own basic needs. Afraid of food, afraid of sleep/dreams, afraid of other humans, afraid of my family. This strange disease causes neurological symptoms that have resulted in a punishing state of extreme hypervigilance in my nervous system and my mind. It plays me like a puppet: my body twitches constantly, my ears ring loudly 24/7/365, I get headaches, episodes of vertigo, air hunger, tachycardia, buzzing/vibrating in my chest, shooting electrical impulses that travel violently from my brain down through my chest and belly. I am haunted nearly every moment with images and invasive thoughts of my ex and the losses are woven tightly into complex PTSD and a mountain of other issues that probably go back to my childhood. I don't want her in my head anymore, but she has taken up permanent residence. When I attempt to leave the house, the world around me is a landscape of triggers leading right back to her. I am tossed relentlessly back and forth between being devastated with the loss of her, and feeling terrified of her.
I have spent nearly every waking hour of my life desperately hanging on in the fetal position in a bed over the past 7 months staring into the void of the internet and pushing the reality of my mental and bodily imprisonment away with YouTube, movies, or podcasts. I literally cannot exist without an audio or video distraction of some kind; if I do not have something to forcefully disassociate me from the terrifying landscape of reality and my battered mind, I began to convulse into panic attacks that can last for hours. Spending ungodly amounts of time on the internet like that with no other social interaction has rewired my brain catastrophically. I can barely navigate a simple trip to the grocery store; any attempt to venture into the world outside of my parents house where I am trapped results in an emotional rollercoaster and incessant mind chatter, a whirlpool of unending grief for the life I had before it all came apart.
I have given up seeking help, there is no one who can understand what I've been through, and frankly I have no way to fully represent it using language, and too much damage has been done for talking about it to help. Talking about it does nothing, and the talk therapy that's available to me locally is elementary and useless. I am way too far gone, and I want to end my suffering and die peacefully. Neurotypical people have no way to empathize with the fact that sometimes, a human really can experience so much trauma that they are truly too far gone for recovery. I am stuck because I know that I will cause my family pain if I CTB, but I also know that I will not be able to hang on for much longer.
The past 14 months have been a hellscape of neurological symptoms and the complete collapse of my mind as my personality has been systematically dismantled and I have become a shell of a human being. I live on the bleeding edge of panic, which lurks at all times around the corner. I am afraid of everything, even my own basic needs. Afraid of food, afraid of sleep/dreams, afraid of other humans, afraid of my family. This strange disease causes neurological symptoms that have resulted in a punishing state of extreme hypervigilance in my nervous system and my mind. It plays me like a puppet: my body twitches constantly, my ears ring loudly 24/7/365, I get headaches, episodes of vertigo, air hunger, tachycardia, buzzing/vibrating in my chest, shooting electrical impulses that travel violently from my brain down through my chest and belly. I am haunted nearly every moment with images and invasive thoughts of my ex and the losses are woven tightly into complex PTSD and a mountain of other issues that probably go back to my childhood. I don't want her in my head anymore, but she has taken up permanent residence. When I attempt to leave the house, the world around me is a landscape of triggers leading right back to her. I am tossed relentlessly back and forth between being devastated with the loss of her, and feeling terrified of her.
I have spent nearly every waking hour of my life desperately hanging on in the fetal position in a bed over the past 7 months staring into the void of the internet and pushing the reality of my mental and bodily imprisonment away with YouTube, movies, or podcasts. I literally cannot exist without an audio or video distraction of some kind; if I do not have something to forcefully disassociate me from the terrifying landscape of reality and my battered mind, I began to convulse into panic attacks that can last for hours. Spending ungodly amounts of time on the internet like that with no other social interaction has rewired my brain catastrophically. I can barely navigate a simple trip to the grocery store; any attempt to venture into the world outside of my parents house where I am trapped results in an emotional rollercoaster and incessant mind chatter, a whirlpool of unending grief for the life I had before it all came apart.
I have given up seeking help, there is no one who can understand what I've been through, and frankly I have no way to fully represent it using language, and too much damage has been done for talking about it to help. Talking about it does nothing, and the talk therapy that's available to me locally is elementary and useless. I am way too far gone, and I want to end my suffering and die peacefully. Neurotypical people have no way to empathize with the fact that sometimes, a human really can experience so much trauma that they are truly too far gone for recovery. I am stuck because I know that I will cause my family pain if I CTB, but I also know that I will not be able to hang on for much longer.
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