Venting “Good days” make me feel like I’m faking

[LakeMungoGirl]

Whenever I experience a day that doesn't suck as bad as the one before it, when I actually manage to feel a sliver of hope that my situation will improve even though i know it's impossible, it makes me feel like I'm faking everything. My depression, my suicidality— everything. It makes me question whether I'm actually suicidal or just a horrible person who derives pleasure from the idea of hurting everyone around me with my death.

It's confusing, and I wish I had a better explanation for it. Does anyone else experience something similar? Am I actually just a bad person?

 

[U. A.]

Am I actually just a bad person?

No. Nature of the beast - I'd guess on your bad days you feel equally as if those good ones couldn't possibly exist. We appear to be masters of convincing ourselves that whatever present we experience is incomprehensibly actually eternal.

 

[LakeMungoGirl]

No. Nature of the beast - I'd guess on your bad days you feel equally as if those good ones couldn't possibly exist. We appear to be masters of convincing ourselves that whatever present we experience is incomprehensibly actually eternal.

That's beautifully said, thank you. I've come across your posts before and you always manage to explain yourself so cogently.

 

[gunmetalblue11]

You are not a bad person. I actually have something to say but it might be slightly out of subject. I have known people who are in pain, and mental suffering. But we're convinced they are unjustified to be feeling like this, because maybe they have nothing to anchor it to, or feel like they haven't "been through enough trauma" or any at all to find and relate to others. So they will actually lie about events that have happened to them. Particularly a close friend of mine, who years later when I asked admitted it was a lie.
I find that sad. And the guilt must be harrowing. I guess this is just to say, even if you feel like you are "faking", someone who is not in some kind of inherent suffering would be wouldn't be faking in the first place. All pain is valid.
There can be so many reasons for distress, some medical, some unknown to yourself yet, and maybe sometimes even none at all.

 

[always_a_crossroads]

I hear you.
It doesn't make you a bad person.
There's probably a lot of conditioning that goes into it.

I get that too, in various flavours. Right now I'm actually in the process of trying to unravel where it's coming from, because it's annoying as hell and keeps me stuck in place. I identified at least 4 different sources in my case, and I think there's at least a few more.
There's internalized stigma and social conditioning - hard not to buy into it when you grew up being told "it's all in your head", "you're just trying to get attention", "other people have it so much worse", and so on.
There's fear of being invalidated and losing others' sympathy and support - "if I don't suffer genuinely enough, people will assume I'm fine, and they'll withdraw whatever patience and compassion they had for me".
There's fear of being judged incompetent - "if I feel better for even a little, others will expect me to Do More and Get Better, and I don't know if I can".
And there's a false dichotomy that my brain tries to trap me in - "either I feel OK, and therefore I should Be Functional and shouldn't want to die; or I want to be dead, and therefore I should have no positive feelings and shouldn't function at all". It's hard to get my brain to accept that it can be aspects of both, not just one or the other.

 

[U. A.]

That's beautifully said, thank you. I've come across your posts before and you always manage to explain yourself so cogently.

Thank you for the kind words.
I have my more and less cogent moments.

 

[Pale_Rider]

I don't get real moments of hope. I just get time, or days where I can breath easier then usual. the hope part really has nothing to do with suicide. it's just the melancholy that is

as far as being fake? yeah mental health professions will make you feel fake if they don't get an instant body to gawk at. has to do with a normies inability to contemplate taking your own life. it's SI way down the curve in the 'I'm can't fathom taking my life" pole / axis. whatever you want to call it. that's how I look at it anyway.

 

[beyond.space]

i feel the same and, interestingly enough, i believe ive somehow programmed myself to never leave the comfort of my depression and isolation, because then, when i get a splinter of hope, my suicidal ideation begins to dissipate, and i REALLY dont want to lose that as ive already decided to do it soon and sacrificed too much for it to just be in vain (i turned down too many opportunities, stopped taking my meds, distanced myself from too many people already etc.)

 

[Pale_Rider]

No point in living the same nightmare. I've played this game for a while now. its rigged.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

Whenever I experience a day that doesn't suck as bad as the one before it, when I actually manage to feel a sliver of hope that my situation will improve even though i know it's impossible, it makes me feel like I'm faking everything. My depression, my suicidality— everything. It makes me question whether I'm actually suicidal or just a horrible person who derives pleasure from the idea of hurting everyone around me with my death.

It's confusing, and I wish I had a better explanation for it. Does anyone else experience something similar? Am I actually just a bad person?

You're not a bad person, I also feel this way. Just because you have good days doesn't invalidate all the bad days you've had. You don't have to prove your suffering to anyone, I know that's hard to unlearn especially with how people act sometimes. But you don't have to prove you're not faking, and the fact you're on a suicide discussion site says enough. I believe your pain.