I am so sorry that happened to you. I feel generally speaking that once assaulted, you lose a lot of people. It's awful, it's wrong, and you're not alone in that. I'm not going to get into it too much but my first abusive relationship was very severe, and the abuse went over four months, I was a virgin beforehand, and my vagina was fissured multiple times. I was extremely uneducated about sex and kink, and it took a long time to realize I was being sexually abused because of that inexperience. The way I dealt with it the first time was I took time off from my responsibilities, cut all the people from my old life off, got a new phone number and made new friends online. Basically a total life reset. One of those friends I ended up getting engaged to, and that's where I put my time and energy for several years. After that, I moved across my city and started following my passions. Those years were the best of my life. No joke. I'm not saying there weren't times when I was sad and times when I was completely upset over what happened again, it still took years to be able to be honest with myself again and have sex how I liked to, but the best times in my life came after my assault at 18. I know we're on sasu and things are genuinely awful and people are incredibly shallow irl about this, but there is hope and a lot of people survive these kinds of things.
I'm going to just assume based off statistics you probably knew your abuser before, since most people do. Get rid of anything you have of them, keep what you're not ready to throw away. I have the clothes from my more recent assault because I feel they give me some kind of mental clarity that this really happened to me (the hemline was permanently messed up), but I can't stand to look at pictures of my abusers. If deleting them feels too much, or has necessary evidence should you wish to pursue a case (and honestly even if you don't, I like to keep them for peace of mind), I recommend getting a new phone and not transferring your photos. Keep it in a drawer somewhere, you'll kind of forget eventually. Try to find other people who have experienced what you've experienced, those people will probably be a lot kinder about your coping mechanisms than others. If you don't know anyone, group therapy may be a good option. If you have people who love you, parents, siblings, friends, spend as much time with them as you can. Don't focus on the people who abandoned you. Forget them as soon as possible, but it's okay to mourn their loss. Another thing that helps me a lot is reading about other abuse victims that went through similar things. Reactions to sexual assault and sexual assault itself is portrayed very specifically in media by shows like SVU that don't actually reflect what happened to us, because a lot of these shows are coppaganda, they exist to make it look like we live in a world where the SVU clinic doesn't usually thow out evidence. Don't be ashamed when your real life expereince doesn't match a fictional portrayl. Biographies from real survivors and memoirs usually do show the real, often contradictory responses of abuse victims. I always recommend it here, but my favorite book is "Girls Play Dead," which came out recently. It's a collection of survivors stories. If you don't have money to afford it, I am more than happy to send you my digital epub copy. For me, I tended to freeze during assault or be very placid, later I'd repress it so I could continue my relationships, this is very normal and reading books about how that happens frequently made me feel less like it was my fault. Coercion is real, and having the words to describe your assault might be helpful. Art from survivors helps me too, after my assault I got really into Hole's Live Through This because it helped me express my anger through music. You might not be there yet, and this may be too much for you. We're all different. My other favorite resource is RAINN. I have never had a poor call on this hotline, but I think the lines they connect you to are based on the region, so I can't speak for how good it is across the country, but the one connected to New York is genuinely amazing and warm. Even if I am suicidal, I vastly prefer them over 988 as they're more equipped to deal with SA survivors. Regardless of their hotlines quality, you'll find hundreds of resources around sexual assault there and if you're looking for something like group therapy they will probably hook you up. Talk about your assault as much or as little as you want, yes it will probably isolate you from people if you do, but you didn't want them in your life if they're insensitive about abuse to begin with. Anyone not sticking with you right now is not worth your friendship. Watch your favorite movie over and over, eat your favorite food as much as you want. Focus on yourself right now.
Sorry this was such a long post, but I really hope it proves helpful. I'm not going to sit around and tell you I 100% know everything is going to get better, but I know there is hope and that there are people who are kind and understand and won't leave you. I know it is possible to love again, to have sex again, to follow your passions, to embrace your sensuality, to have friends. I really hope you get through this and you're incredibly strong asking for help.
Here are some links that might help you.
How Does RAINN Help Survivors? No matter who you are, where you’re from, or what you’ve experienced, RAINN is here for you. Join Our Community
rainn.org
The book “Girls Play Dead,” by Jen Percy, is a “riveting, heartrending analysis of what sexual assault does to women,” Sophie Gilbert writes:
www.theatlantic.com
Trauma therapy, or trauma-focused therapy, is a specific approach to therapy that is built on the understanding of how traumatic experiences affect an individual’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being. This type of therapy aims to help survivors heal from the effects of trauma.
paloaltou.edu
