Venting Going insane

[LeWantsToDie]

I don't know if this is possible but I think I'm going insane from loneliness. For reasons, I can't leave my house right now. As in it's impossible to leave. And it's been so long since I've talked to someone in person. I attempted suicide last year and I was still in a better place back then compared to now. I'm in the worst place I've been in my entire life so far and I can't even kill myself. The only person I was close to promised he'd stay in contact with me when I left last year and I think he's grown tired of me now. I literally see him phasing out contact with me. He used to text me more often and he doesn't anymore. Every conversation feels so forced. I should be considerate and let the contact go but he's the only person who I interact with even virtually. I'm desperate enough that I don't even care about my pride. I feel scared of myself, everyday I wake up, I feel like clawing my face off to escape. I used to be scared of hanging myself, I would have hung myself ten times over if I still had rope.

I also think I'm growing paranoid like yesterday, I had like 20 minutes where I was terrified that I was in a simulation and the player was testing me to find out how much I can take. I don't want to be an experiment. I want to be in control
This is shameless but I just want contact even a comment just someone acknowledging that I exist which is why im posting this

 

[redkitsune98]

Hey i am here
you exist
you matter
you deserve attention

 

[Unbolted0605]

Hello. I agree with the other poster here. You do matter, and you are real.

While I don't know the details, I do believe and hope that things can get better for you than they are right now.

I've been down and up (several hundred times), myself. Though I'm now down again, I can confirm that there is such a thing as 'up', even if it seems like that's not possible.