Help Giving up on my relationship because of how badly I want to ctb?

[BringMeToLife]

I've been very depressed and detached lately, and my ctb thoughts are more vivid, they appear often (too often?). I get irritated with the smallest things and my attitude issues show a lot. I'm so tired with this life, I wish to end it, but I have to keep going because of the relationship. Is it possible that I unconsciously blame my partner for not being able to ctb?

 

[TheHolySword]

It's definitely possible. These things can manifest themselves in ugly ways we don't always understand. I destroyed my chance at happiness with the girl of my dreams because I knew I was going to CTB. I knew she would delay it, I knew I would hurt her. So instead of letting it go any further, I ruined anything that could have been with her, I made her want nothing to do with me. Now I wish I had given myself the opportunity to have that happiness, but I was headed here anyways. I think if I had kept going I may have had this same resentment. I feel it in a way for the friends and family still in my life. I hate that I have had to be here so long for them, but it's worth it in a way.

 

[BringMeToLife]

It's definitely possible. These things can manifest themselves in ugly ways we don't always understand. I destroyed my chance at happiness with the girl of my dreams because I knew I was going to CTB. I knew she would delay it, I knew I would hurt her. So instead of letting it go any further, I ruined anything that could have been with her, I made her want nothing to do with me. Now I wish I had given myself the opportunity to have that happiness, but I was headed here anyways. I think if I had kept going I may have had this same resentment. I feel it in a way for the friends and family still in my life. I hate that I have had to be here so long for them, but it's worth it in a way.

I wonder if it's ever going to stop, maybe when I'm not suicidal anymore which I don't believe is ever going to happen. I used to have hope, to have a happy life with him by my side, but now it's gone. I can't see myself with him, I can't see myself living past summer 2025. But I cannot go, I promised, I let him fall in love with me and care for me. I'm obligated to live for as long as we are together/possible. I'm so tired... I wish he could forget about my existence, then I would be free to go and rest.

 

[Phasmid]

You're not necessarily obligated to your partner to continue living.

There's really no reason to beat around the bush, they would be devastated if you were to catch the bus, but at the same time, the same reasoning people use to ditch people who are going through acute crises, don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm applies to you as well.

If you are at a point where you do wish to catch the bus, and things aren't getting better, you should prioritize yourself and your own well-being and end things, otherwise you will be chained to this person and existence until they choose to end things with you.

If it helps, I would like to believe that most people will come to the at least they're no longer suffering frame of mind eventually, so yes it would be difficult for your partner, but not unbearable.