Venting Getting suicidal over smaller things

[trouble]

Oh well, here we go with me venting again...

Is it just me or does anyone else get suicidal over, like, small things?

Like, I didn't even notice it but I guess I was getting better. I got a girlfriend, we had a date (but then she started ghosting me, so uh..?), I passed my classes, I still felt depressed but not this bad.

Until someone told me "See, your life is getting better. I told you." And well..from there on, it all went DOWNHILL, to say the least. I don't know what exactly triggered me so hard about it; perhaps there's just this part of me that only wants to get worse and so, I started to torture my mind with bad thoughts, plans to CTB, and I haven't gotten to physical harm yet, but honestly, I'm really close to doing that. I can't stop thinking about taking some pills and having them make me unable to think, make me stumble around - just because it feels fun and takes my thoughts away.

So yeah, back to being ready to jump off a bridge, I guess.
I also was trying to schedule an appointment with a psychologist, mainly because of family issues (I'd like to assume that my mom is abusive and manipulative) but I don't think I'll do it since I feel like it's not a big deal anymore.

My life feels so..dull, but then I feel sparks and everything feels okay until it gets dull again; it keeps repeating itself over and over again. And the sparks seem to fade away because of the smallest things anyway.

This whole post is a mess, I apologize.

 

[glittergore]

I have two theories about this phenomenon:
1) Long-term suicidality doesn't just go away. Even when your life is improving, it still sits there. You're still exhausted by everything, you're still wounded. Therefore, when something small happens, it all comes rushing back.
2) The mind gets used to suicide. You start seeing it as the salvation from everything painful, even the small things.

I know for me personally, it's probably a combination of the two.

 

[socrates]

I have two theories about this phenomenon:
1) Long-term suicidality doesn't just go away. Even when your life is improving, it still sits there. You're still exhausted by everything, you're still wounded. Therefore, when something small happens, it all comes rushing back.
2) The mind gets used to suicide. You start seeing it as the salvation from everything painful, even the small things.

I know for me personally, it's probably a combination of the two.

That makes a lot of sense, suicidal ideation can become a maladaptive coping mechanism. Sadly I think I have a lot of those. I guess the trick is to find healthy coping mechanisms.

 

[trouble]

I have two theories about this phenomenon:
1) Long-term suicidality doesn't just go away. Even when your life is improving, it still sits there. You're still exhausted by everything, you're still wounded. Therefore, when something small happens, it all comes rushing back.
2) The mind gets used to suicide. You start seeing it as the salvation from everything painful, even the small things.

I know for me personally, it's probably a combination of the two.

I think your theories explain a lot and are oddly accurate when I think about it.

I guess for some of us it will just always be there; I mean, for me, it's been there for a rather long time now. You're right, it doesn't quite seem to go away.

Anyway, I wish the best for you, whatever might happen, whatever way you decide to go.
By the way, you've read Killing Stalking, right? I really like psychological stuff, and even though I stopped midway, your profile pic made me want to re-read it as whole :)

 

[Cosmiq]

I feel like now I get the impulse over things that wouldn't have bothered me much in the past.
Things were going really well for me, and suicide became more background. Like I still doubted I'd live a long life, but just felt like they'd pushed back to a later time in my life. Little by little things started getting worse. Then I had a huge blow, it didn't make me feel more suicidal though.

It made me realize how much more vulnerable I'd become while experiencing better things in my life
It was like experiencing these good things left me wide open, and it was after then that things that I would have handled easily a few years ago now sent me spiraling downward.

During the good times, I was doing well financially, creatively, and had my first serious relationship. I'd hooked up with girls before but this was the first time I let myself lean into someone else. Before I was more indifferent when it came to chasing and creating goals. I didn't go after them because I didn't think it was possible. But doing all these things too opening myself up for hope and all. And when all that drained, instead of being able to retreat behind my emotional walls I found that they were gone and all broken leaving vulnerable to the smallest thing.

 

[glittergore]

I think your theories explain a lot and are oddly accurate when I think about it.

I guess for some of us it will just always be there; I mean, for me, it's been there for a rather long time now. You're right, it doesn't quite seem to go away.

Anyway, I wish the best for you, whatever might happen, whatever way you decide to go.
By the way, you've read Killing Stalking, right? I really like psychological stuff, and even though I stopped midway, your profile pic made me want to re-read it as whole :)

Yeah, there's a reason we're suicidal, and if it's been there for awhile, it's probably something fundamental that needs to be addressed. I wish the best for you as well; I know how difficult being in this place can be.

Yeah, I love KS! I would really recommend finishing it, it takes some interesting turns. :)

 

[NoPlaceForme]

I have two theories about this phenomenon:
1) Long-term suicidality doesn't just go away. Even when your life is improving, it still sits there. You're still exhausted by everything, you're still wounded. Therefore, when something small happens, it all comes rushing back.
2) The mind gets used to suicide. You start seeing it as the salvation from everything painful, even the small things.

I know for me personally, it's probably a combination of the two.

This is exactly it. At least that is how it feels.

 

[laiduponit]

I have two theories about this phenomenon:
1) Long-term suicidality doesn't just go away. Even when your life is improving, it still sits there. You're still exhausted by everything, you're still wounded. Therefore, when something small happens, it all comes rushing back.
2) The mind gets used to suicide. You start seeing it as the salvation from everything painful, even the small things.

I know for me personally, it's probably a combination of the two.

Sounds pretty accurate honestly, I've been suicidal probably from 12 - 13 and each time good things happen in my life and the moments of happiness stay for maybe a week or two it never lasts. Suicidal ideation feels like it'll be something that will stay with me for the rest of my life, it is funny to hear how sensitive people get over the topic of suicide, be that close friends or those online. I've had it for so long and witnessed so many people resort to it that I'm so numb to it now, It is just normal for me now.

It'll also always be there when times get tough, maybe the coping mechanism of people with suicidal thoughts is just that, when times get tough you can always just consider that possibility of CTB. Even when practicing mindfulness, meditation and studying stuff that interests me, It'll never leave and honestly If I want to even give this world a chance to live in I've got to just live by it, even in cooperate it somehow to how I'll survive this prison planet.

 

[sadghost]

I think that painful experiences accumulate and can cause us to have suicidal thoughts/ideation. Any negative experience can be the straw that broke the camel's back for someone who is already at breaking point

 

[KibblesNBits]

I go into meltdown mode when my internet gives out or a speaker stops working. It's safe to say I'm hanging on by a thread.