Well. Fair enough. Just having YOUR interests at heart. I don't know him from a bar of soap of course so not a concern of mine.
As a matter of interest: I see you have many posts on these forums. Do any of them contain details as to WHY you feel it necessary to take yourself out? Just curious. And don't get me wrong anybody: I FOR SURE ain't here to try "save" anyone. I'm an advocate for suicide no question and have very strong feelings about it (which I'm sure over time will become public knowledge). But let me be clear and say I'm an advocate for suicide if there are no other options and you've passed a line or reached a point where there is no turning back from based on a given set of probabilities. As but one example: it pains me when I have read posts here posted by members who FOR SURE are under age (no matter their answer to the question asked when signing up) and have just experienced their first heartbreak in a relationship and don't feel like they can live another day. The PROBABILITY of somebody in their teens meeting another new partner and living life happily ever after is EXTREMELY high and almost a given. And while their pain and anguish is every bit as real and genuine to them at the time as that of an older and mature person with issues: the PROBABILITY is that they will be fine with some help and friendship. See what I mean? For sure I'm one of those that gets real pissed when somebody tells you "don't be ridiculous, things will get better, just hang in there". Says who? And on what basis? There's no guarantees or rule in the book that things are going "get better" or improve. Sometimes: things can go too far and that's all there is to it and it's at that point where the only questions to be asked is how long are you going to live with your misery and depression and whatever else and what method are you going to use that's guaranteed to not fail.
But I'll tell you this much (as if you probably don't already know): there are certain topics of conversation or certain issues that NOBODY, unless they've been in the situation, will ever understand (suicide being one of them) not even if you spent a month explaining it to them until you were blue in the face! Lol!
I haven't go onto that much detail before on this forum but I might as well. I grew up in a unstable abusive home with an alcoholic cheater of a dad and a mother who would spent the night screaming at him, threatening to kill herself or my father or all of us by burning the house down. I was expected to just take all of the verbal abuse she would scream at me or she would victimize herself and start crying. She would get drunk and forcibly force physical affection on me or berate me for being depressed or having cuts on my arms. Growing up in this environment has left me as a broken shell of a person who can hardly stay alive in this society while it perceives me as lazy and unmotivated. I've wanted to die since the age of 6. With all of that and then 6 years of constant school bullying, I cannot bring myself to trust people. I go through constantly hating everyone around me and loving at the same time. My days are just filled with mood swings where the highs are hardly worth the lows. I'm currently getting evaluated psychologically as there's a high chance I might have BPD. I hate myself and feel trapped in my own broken brain and body.
I don't hold any hope for myself. I've gone through countless medications and years of therapy. I don't honestly care for life or getting better at this point. Thinking about dying and preparing for it is the only thing that makes me feel truly feel alive.
@catsarecool
Wow, that must be a tough position to be in. I can certainly understand your hesitation.
On one hand it might not be fair to him, but you haven't fully opened up. On the other hand, your depriving yourself of something that admittedly makes you happy. While being selfless is commendable, how often do you indulge? Is this something you WANT or NEED? Would it sweeten your remaining time?
Do you think it's worth fully opening up to let this person know about your feelings and intention, or would that be too dangerous?
The time I've spent with him just flirting and enjoying our time together has been extremely joyful for me. I'm really grateful for those times and honestly, I've been self-indulgent with it. I think I've gotten more than plenty of happiness and joy thanks to him and I think this is a good way to end things. If i said that I've been selfless in this situation I'd be lying. I'm just trying to find the middle ground of not burdening him anymore than I will. We're already pretty close and I know I will already hurting him a lot, especially if he has feelings for me. For me the pain will end when my life ends but the other people will have to deal with what I've done and I want to make it easier for people I love.
I don't think there would be anything he could do to stop me, but I am scared for his reaction. I would hate to see him be hurt or visibly upset for my decision even if it's understandable. I don't want him to stress anymore than needed, considering that I don't think he or anyone can change my decision yknow.
Hi sorry I edited my post to include the last sentence. It doesn't sound sketchy to me at all, having been in that no-contact position myself. I was incredibly grateful for the friend who wrote to me but not having addresses or contact information for 99% of the people in my life, it was pretty much impossible to stay in touch with them or even let them know where I was. And I actually didn't want to let the majority of them know where I was, or why I was there, now that I mention it. I just felt incredibly guilty that the guy I had become so close to, may have believed I no longer gave a shit about him and it may have contributed to him ctb. I know he had problems and I don't want to sound arrogant in saying it was my fault. But I know he felt a lot for me too and the fact I disappeared off the face of the earth must have really hurt him.
I think your guy is very lucky to have someone as understanding as yourself
It's okay, I understood what you mean I was just trying to clear up things! That definitely sounds like a difficult situation and honestly I'm glad I got to say goodbye to my guy. It was a very touching and emotional goodbye and I don't mind leaving that as our last interaction at least if I decide to CTB anytime soon. And I understand the guilt you feel, sadly life doesn't always pan out the way you want and decides to throw curveballs like that at your way. I hope you don't feel too guilty. These things sadly happen and hopefully he still knew that you really did care, because from what you've told you were really close even if you weren't there at the time.
Sorry I'm a very slow typer at times.
