Venting getting romantically involved with someone while actively suicidal

[catsarecool]

Recently I met someone online who I've really clicked with and started slowly catching feelings for. While it's nothing serious and I'm not sure if anything will come out of it, we've gotten closer and what I thought was just playful flirting feels a bit more serious now.

Part of me really enjoys this and wants to play with the idea of maybe it developing into an actual relationship, but then the guilt hits me. I feel selfish for wanting something like this when I don't really see myself being alive at the end of the year. And if I really care about this person shouldn't I spare them the pain and distance myself? Is it really fair to drag other people into this depressing, fucked up state of my life that I actively want end anyways? I hate myself for not being "normal" and knowing that people care just makes me hate myself more.

I had to say goodbye to him yesterday as he has some things to deal with and he has to go completely offline for some time. And it hurts me, as I know there's a high chance that I won't be here when he comes back and he doesn't know that. That that was possibly the last time I'll ever talk to him. But I'm glad I got to say goodbye to him at least

Life is a mess.

 

[loginboy69]

yeah it is , im suicidal and in a relationship. shouldnt have started it , the loneliness is comforting. But knowing that im responsible for someone sucks

 

[softfuzzyman]

Oh jeez I wish I knew what to say :( yeah it's really scary and hard to get involved with someone when you feel this way, it feels impossible to be open with them because you worry it might influence their feelings toward you... I recently left my girlfriend because I'm so deeply suicidal and couldn't be honest about it, I worried that she was unhappy anyway because I'm not very responsive due to depression but if I told her I was depressed and suicidal she might feel forced to stay...

It's hard. Hard to know if you'll scare someone off, or if they'd react badly to hearing your state of mind and hurt you even worse, or worry that they'd feel pressured by that info... I don't blame you for wanting something nice that feels good tho, having a connection can be the most amazing feeling when you're really low, and I hope that if things do progress and you end up in a relationship that things go well and don't cause you to hurt more :( it sucks to weigh the balance of the pain of loneliness vs the pain of complicated relationships

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I can sort of relate to this. A couple months ago, I started catching feelings for a girl on Twitter who kept liking and replying to my tweets for some reason. Even beyond my suicidalness, I still didn't feel like it would actually work out between us since it seems like we're actually far too different ideologically. The whirlwind of doubts that happened in my mind became so unbearable that I just quit Twitter entirely for a while after revealing some of the less savory aspects of my character hoping that would be enough to drive her away. It sucks but I just can't let myself get my hopes up again knowing they'll be crushed again. Whenever I find myself feeling like I might have a shot with her I just remind myself of how terrible I am and how anybody in a relationship with me would suffer as a result so the nicest thing I can do for her is stay away.

In your case, I know it seems hard but I think trying to distance yourself is still probably the right idea. It seems like it would save a lot of pain both for you and him that way.

 

[catsarecool]

Oh jeez I wish I knew what to say :( yeah it's really scary and hard to get involved with someone when you feel this way, it feels impossible to be open with them because you worry it might influence their feelings toward you... I recently left my girlfriend because I'm so deeply suicidal and couldn't be honest about it, I worried that she was unhappy anyway because I'm not very responsive due to depression but if I told her I was depressed and suicidal she might feel forced to stay...

It's hard. Hard to know if you'll scare someone off, or if they'd react badly to hearing your state of mind and hurt you even worse, or worry that they'd feel pressured by that info... I don't blame you for wanting something nice that feels good tho, having a connection can be the most amazing feeling when you're really low, and I hope that if things do progress and you end up in a relationship that things go well and don't cause you to hurt more :( it sucks to weigh the balance of the pain of loneliness vs the pain of complicated relationships

I can sort of relate to this. A couple months ago, I started catching feelings for a girl on Twitter who kept liking and replying to my tweets for some reason. Even beyond my suicidalness, I still didn't feel like it would actually work out between us since it seems like we're actually far too different ideologically. The whirlwind of doubts that happened in my mind became so unbearable that I just quit Twitter entirely for a while after revealing some of the less savory aspects of my character hoping that would be enough to drive her away. It sucks but I just can't let myself get my hopes up again knowing they'll be crushed again. Whenever I find myself feeling like I might have a shot with her I just remind myself of how terrible I am and how anybody in a relationship with me would suffer as a result so the nicest thing I can do for her is stay away.

In your case, I know it seems hard but I think trying to distance yourself is still probably the right idea. It seems like it would save a lot of pain both for you and him that way.

Yeah. On my case he will be gone for a while and hopefully when he gets back I'll be dead as that will make things less complicated. It hurts getting close to someone, craving for that connection but knowing that it's better if they don't know who you really are. I've opened up to him a bit as we got closer so I know he cares and is worried even if he doesn't know the full extent of things. I keep wondering what his reaction will be when he finds out I killed myself. One of the things he asked of me was to take care of myself while we would be out of contact.

I really hope he'll be able to remember me for the good qualities and not for the depressed fuck up I am.

 

[GrowingPains]

This hit me hard. I'm currently hitting it off with a girl in a way I never have. But I have a terminal illness she doesn't know about yet :/ god how did I end up in this position

 

[Øystein]

Getting into a serious relationship is one of my biggest regrets ever. Even though going back in memory to all these good days we had (have, sometimes) is pleasant and comforting, I wish I could go back in time and scold myself for even thinking about making such a selfish decision. Carrying the burden of hurting my significant other once I suicide is paradoxically making me a hundred times more suicidal.

Everyone is different, but getting into a relationship won't magically solve your suicidal thoughts. I think being suicidal is kind of like being an alcoholic - you may be sober for whatever period of time, but it will follow your shadow for the rest of your life. Please please think things through before "making a move". It can be so tempting because it makes you feel good, but if you know that the urge to cbt is serious, you're just going to hurt more people in the end, and you're going to be aware of that, and you'll be suffering even more before you leave.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

It's a very tough situation. I regret getting married, not because I don't love him, but because I wish I never dragged him into my situation. I had *hoped* that my marriage would change my course, but it didn't. I still want to ctb. I guess if you think a positive romantic prospect might change your outcome, then it's definitely worth pursuing. Otherwise, I'm not quite sure. Even so, I have regrets.

 

[Isadeth]

I don't regret my relationship, per se, as it's been nice to have someone genuinely in my corner. But I do regret the pain I will leave behind. It's extreme guilt and sometimes while we are laughing my brain will point out how I plan to take his happiness away and it's short-lived. It's nice to not be lonely physically, but it's hell to know you're potentially hurting the ones you love the most.

 

[SadJessu]

In a similar situation myself. I just ended a long term relationship with someone I really loved (and still do in many ways) and embarked on a new one with a wonderful man I met online. He wants a future with me, and I feel really guilty, like I'm wasting his time. Especially since he isn't in the best of health and I think that he could find someone much better than I, someone who could give him the future that he deserves in the time he has to be healthy. I also feel like I wasted my last partner's time because he's much older than I am and he could have taken all of the time we spent together to find someone who could have loved him in a way that I'm no longer capable of. Some days I want to completely withdraw and tell them to find someone else, but I'm incredibly selfish and crave companionship.

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

I have been planning to CTB for a while now and I had actually set a date in a couple of weeks. I have everything in place to do the SN method.
But I have starting seeing a really nice woman, who herself has told me she's recently been through a very bad time and had thought to CTB. I've only seen her about 4 times but she seems very keen on me and I like her too.
I'm now torn about what to do. Seeing her doesn't solve any of my issues that made me want to CTB, but is this just a distraction and might not last anyway? Who knows.
Really struggling with what to do. I don't want to hurt her as she's been through enough from what I can tell. If I say I don't want to see her that will hurt her. And if I CTB I can't imagine what that would do to her. I'm really messed up now!

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I just got into a new relationship early this year. Things were getting better and I had almost recovered until the corona virus shot my last dream to hell. I feel so guilty I thought I could live...now I'm back to being suicidal as ever. My chronic pain is getting worse and my mental state deteriorating. I can't believe I dragged someone into my dumpster fire worthless life. They are pro choice and knew that I was suicidal from the beginning and have been kind and understanding so I hope that softens the blow when I finally ctb. I thought my problems would be solved but I'm still suicidal. I'm devastated I'll be leaving him and my mom behind...Im so conflicted...but I can't keep suffering.

 

[catsarecool]

I was preparing and practicing my method (hanging) last night and got somewhat close to actually CTB'ng. Then when I went to sleep I dreamed of him.

The closer I get to being ready the more I realize that it's better if I don't let people in. Part of me still wants to reach out and feel that connection with people but at this point that's just selfish.

 

[Breadbfra]

I completely understand you. I got in a relationship with a girl who's lost her mother by suicide - and I decided to go on with dating knowing my depression was under control. I am suicidal again and I feel really bad for her, especially as she knows how I'm feeling. She handles really well my situation nonetheless.
I have to be honest, though: If I had known earlier about how the coronavirus dragged me down, I would have distanced myself. I know how much means having someone who loves you, cares for you but depression destroys everything near you, so I'd distance myself and I'd avoid serious relationships.
Hugs m8. I can deeply understand you.

 

[montana007]

I've been hanging around these forums (lurking i.e. as previously noted I absolutely HATE that word but anyway) for such a long time and not posted and for some or the other reason, today, I feel kind of selfish for not getting involved. I've "been around the block" as they say and have life experience like most others have not had (ironically mostly good although that's counted for naught but that's another story entirely) so figure I'm "qualified" (for want of a better word) to share and maybe give back to some either by giving advice or making things easier to get it over with. So here goes for starters! Lol!

@catsarecool:

Obviously I don't know you from a bar of soap and I don't know your story or your reason(s) for wanted to commit suicide. But if it's nothing other than being lonely and wanting a love connection or partner in your life well then give it a chance. If this be the case: it could very well be the solution and the "cure" and you'll never look back on this. And this is not a race nor a competition. If you had a date set: who cares. Delay it. Change it. Nobody is going to think any lesser of you (and you should definitely not think less of yourself either for not sticking to your proposed schedule). Give this possible relationship a chance. If it doesn't work: you still have your final solution. Of course I'm assuming that there's no other reasons for your wanting to or needing to leave this world.

But a word of caution (and not to rain on your parade or upset you further): I don't know why this person has to go offline and be out of contact with you for an extended or lengthy period of time. I'm guessing you've been given a plausible reason and explanation as to why this is necessary. In this day and age and with the technology available to us: it's almost impossible to NOT be able to communicate with another person (even if you DO NOT WANT to and are PURPOSELY trying to avoid them like the plague e.g. a customer or business associate that's getting on your nerves). I'm just putting this out there because it'd be a shame for somebody in your state of mind and point in life to STILL be mucked about even further and suffer yet more heartbreak.

Here's to hoping I'm wrong and this nagging feeling of suspicion is just me being me (who doesn't readily accept things at face value).

 

[Morphosis]

I had never previously understood how it was possible to fall in love without ever meeting the person. Then last year I met someone amazing, on this forum actually. I'd had my heart broken and smashed to pieces in real life, and he was there for me. We had so much in common, he made me laugh and we would talk several times a day and through the night, for hours on end. I gradually started to realise I had a lot of feelings for him, which was incredibly bizarre to me as I've never even had a crush on a man before - I thought I was gay. It just demonstrated how it is possible to fall in love with the person and not the gender.
Anyway I was admitted to hospital in an emergency situation and wasn't able to let him know, had no phone with me or access to Internet. When I got out months later, I read an email from him saying he had received N from A. Nobody has heard from him since. I'm absolutely devastated, both from the loss of such an amazing person and the thought that I potentially hurt him by disappearing myself and not replying to his emails. He maybe thought I just didn't give a shit and that breaks my heart.

 

[montana007]

I had never previously understood how it was possible to fall in love without ever meeting the person. Then last year I met someone amazing, on this forum actually. I'd had my heart broken and smashed to pieces in real life, and he was there for me. We had so much in common, he made me laugh and we would talk several times a day and through the night, for hours on end. I gradually started to realise I had a lot of feelings for him, which was incredibly bizarre to me as I've never even had a crush on a man before - I thought I was gay. It just demonstrated how it is possible to fall in love with the person and not the gender.
Anyway I was admitted to hospital in an emergency situation and wasn't able to let him know, had no phone with me or access to Internet. When I got out months later, I read an email from him saying he had received N from A. Nobody has heard from him since. I'm absolutely devastated, both from the loss of such an amazing person and the thought that I potentially hurt him by disappearing myself and not replying to his emails. He maybe thought I just didn't give a shit and that breaks my heart.

Well for what it's worth: it was an emergency situation so I get that (if it's any consolation). In this case: the OP is being TOLD BEFOREHAND that a-n-other is going off the radar totally for some time to come. Dunno. Where I come from (as a person): a plan is ALWAYS possible (even if the dude was going to prison for a while they have ways and means even under those conditions and circumstances). Just saying. I could be wrong. I hope I'm not. Just looking out for the OP is all.

 

[catsarecool]

I've been hanging around these forums (lurking i.e. as previously noted I absolutely HATE that word but anyway) for such a long time and not posted and for some or the other reason, today, I feel kind of selfish for not getting involved. I've "been around the block" as they say and have life experience like most others have not had (ironically mostly good although that's counted for naught but that's another story entirely) so figure I'm "qualified" (for want of a better word) to share and maybe give back to some either by giving advice or making things easier to get it over with. So here goes for starters! Lol!

@catsarecool:

Obviously I don't know you from a bar of soap and I don't know your story or your reason(s) for wanted to commit suicide. But if it's nothing other than being lonely and wanting a love connection or partner in your life well then give it a chance. If this be the case: it could very well be the solution and the "cure" and you'll never look back on this. And this is not a race nor a competition. If you had a date set: who cares. Delay it. Change it. Nobody is going to think any lesser of you (and you should definitely not think less of yourself either for not sticking to your proposed schedule). Give this possible relationship a chance. If it doesn't work: you still have your final solution. Of course I'm assuming that there's no other reasons for your wanting to or needing to leave this world.

But a word of caution (and not to rain on your parade or upset you further): I don't know why this person has to go offline and be out of contact with you for an extended or lengthy period of time. I'm guessing you've been given a plausible reason and explanation as to why this is necessary. In this day and age and with the technology available to us: it's almost impossible to NOT be able to communicate with another person (even if you DO NOT WANT to and are PURPOSELY trying to avoid them like the plague e.g. a customer or business associate that's getting on your nerves). I'm just putting this out there because it'd be a shame for somebody in your state of mind and point in life to STILL be mucked about even further and suffer yet more heartbreak.

Here's to hoping I'm wrong and this nagging feeling of suspicion is just me being me (who doesn't readily accept things at face value).

I have different reasons for wanting to CTB and even if I got into a relationship I don't think it would change how I feel or what my plans are. Which is why I'm hesitant to go for a relationship and probably won't. There's a high change I'll be already dead by the point he comes back which kinda solves the issue anyways and I think it's for the best that way.

He's given me a very good explanation for it and I completely accept and understand his reasons. This is also not just not a personal thing regarding me, he's basically out of contact with everyone online. I know he's not trying to avoid me and there's no bad blood between us or anything. I do get where you're coming from but I basically have no reasons to doubt what he's told me pretty much.

 

[Morphosis]

Well for what it's worth: it was an emergency situation so I get that (if it's any consolation). In this case: the OP is being TOLD BEFOREHAND that a-n-other is going off the radar totally for some time to come. Dunno. Where I come from (as a person): a plan is ALWAYS possible (even if the dude was going to prison for a while they have ways and means even under those conditions and circumstances). Just saying. I could be wrong. I hope I'm not. Just looking out for the OP is all.

Absolutely. Just as an example, my best friend, knowing I was locked up with no mobile, no Internet and no visitors due to coronavirus, refused to let me sink into oblivion. She did the old-fashioned thing and wrote to me via pen and paper, and sent me blank paper and envelopes with stamps plus her address in order for me to reply.
So there are always ways and means indeed!
However, for almost everyone else in my life, I wasn't able to explain where in the world I was or why I wasn't replying.

 

[catsarecool]

Absolutely. Just as an example, my best friend, knowing I was locked up with no mobile, no Internet and no visitors due to coronavirus, refused to let me sink into oblivion. She did the old-fashioned thing and wrote to me via pen and paper, and sent me blank paper and envelopes with stamps plus her address in order for me to reply.
So there are always ways and means indeed!

I get where this is coming from, but I don't really have a problem with him going no-contact even if there would be means not to. I know without any details it sounds sketchy but there are reasons behind it that I completely understand so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

[montana007]

I have different reasons for wanting to CTB and even if I got into a relationship I don't think it would change how I feel or what my plans are. Which is why I'm hesitant to go for a relationship and probably won't. There's a high change I'll be already dead by the point he comes back which kinda solves the issue anyways and I think it's for the best that way.

He's given me a very good explanation for it and I completely accept and understand his reasons. This is also not just not a personal thing regarding me, he's basically out of contact with everyone online. I know he's not trying to avoid me and there's no bad blood between us or anything. I do get where you're coming from but I basically have no reasons to doubt what he's told me pretty much.

Well. Fair enough. Just having YOUR interests at heart. I don't know him from a bar of soap of course so not a concern of mine.

As a matter of interest: I see you have many posts on these forums. Do any of them contain details as to WHY you feel it necessary to take yourself out? Just curious. And don't get me wrong anybody: I FOR SURE ain't here to try "save" anyone. I'm an advocate for suicide no question and have very strong feelings about it (which I'm sure over time will become public knowledge). But let me be clear and say I'm an advocate for suicide if there are no other options and you've passed a line or reached a point where there is no turning back from based on a given set of probabilities. As but one example: it pains me when I have read posts here posted by members who FOR SURE are under age (no matter their answer to the question asked when signing up) and have just experienced their first heartbreak in a relationship and don't feel like they can live another day. The PROBABILITY of somebody in their teens meeting another new partner and living life happily ever after is EXTREMELY high and almost a given. And while their pain and anguish is every bit as real and genuine to them at the time as that of an older and mature person with issues: the PROBABILITY is that they will be fine with some help and friendship. See what I mean? For sure I'm one of those that gets real pissed when somebody tells you "don't be ridiculous, things will get better, just hang in there". Says who? And on what basis? There's no guarantees or rule in the book that things are going "get better" or improve. Sometimes: things can go too far and that's all there is to it and it's at that point where the only questions to be asked is how long are you going to live with your misery and depression and whatever else and what method are you going to use that's guaranteed to not fail.

But I'll tell you this much (as if you probably don't already know): there are certain topics of conversation or certain issues that NOBODY, unless they've been in the situation, will ever understand (suicide being one of them) not even if you spent a month explaining it to them until you were blue in the face! Lol!

 

[Mistry420]

I'm too toxic to even keep people here let alone get ina Relationship

I just want someone to cuddle me at night but 9/10 I'll get molested or dry humped out of my sleep

yay society

 

[Dookieshoes]

@catsarecool

Wow, that must be a tough position to be in. I can certainly understand your hesitation.

On one hand it might not be fair to him, but you haven't fully opened up. On the other hand, your depriving yourself of something that admittedly makes you happy. While being selfless is commendable, how often do you indulge? Is this something you WANT or NEED? Would it sweeten your remaining time?

Do you think it's worth fully opening up to let this person know about your feelings and intention, or would that be too dangerous?

 

[Morphosis]

I get where this is coming from, but I don't really have a problem with him going no-contact even if there would be means not to. I know without any details it sounds sketchy but there are reasons behind it that I completely understand so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Hi sorry I edited my post to include the last sentence. It doesn't sound sketchy to me at all, having been in that no-contact position myself. I was incredibly grateful for the friend who wrote to me but not having addresses or contact information for 99% of the people in my life, it was pretty much impossible to stay in touch with them or even let them know where I was. And I actually didn't want to let the majority of them know where I was, or why I was there, now that I mention it. I just felt incredibly guilty that the guy I had become so close to, may have believed I no longer gave a shit about him and it may have contributed to him ctb. I know he had problems and I don't want to sound arrogant in saying it was my fault. But I know he felt a lot for me too and the fact I disappeared off the face of the earth must have really hurt him.
I think your guy is very lucky to have someone as understanding as yourself

 

[catsarecool]

Well. Fair enough. Just having YOUR interests at heart. I don't know him from a bar of soap of course so not a concern of mine.

As a matter of interest: I see you have many posts on these forums. Do any of them contain details as to WHY you feel it necessary to take yourself out? Just curious. And don't get me wrong anybody: I FOR SURE ain't here to try "save" anyone. I'm an advocate for suicide no question and have very strong feelings about it (which I'm sure over time will become public knowledge). But let me be clear and say I'm an advocate for suicide if there are no other options and you've passed a line or reached a point where there is no turning back from based on a given set of probabilities. As but one example: it pains me when I have read posts here posted by members who FOR SURE are under age (no matter their answer to the question asked when signing up) and have just experienced their first heartbreak in a relationship and don't feel like they can live another day. The PROBABILITY of somebody in their teens meeting another new partner and living life happily ever after is EXTREMELY high and almost a given. And while their pain and anguish is every bit as real and genuine to them at the time as that of an older and mature person with issues: the PROBABILITY is that they will be fine with some help and friendship. See what I mean? For sure I'm one of those that gets real pissed when somebody tells you "don't be ridiculous, things will get better, just hang in there". Says who? And on what basis? There's no guarantees or rule in the book that things are going "get better" or improve. Sometimes: things can go too far and that's all there is to it and it's at that point where the only questions to be asked is how long are you going to live with your misery and depression and whatever else and what method are you going to use that's guaranteed to not fail.

But I'll tell you this much (as if you probably don't already know): there are certain topics of conversation or certain issues that NOBODY, unless they've been in the situation, will ever understand (suicide being one of them) not even if you spent a month explaining it to them until you were blue in the face! Lol!

I haven't go onto that much detail before on this forum but I might as well. I grew up in a unstable abusive home with an alcoholic cheater of a dad and a mother who would spent the night screaming at him, threatening to kill herself or my father or all of us by burning the house down. I was expected to just take all of the verbal abuse she would scream at me or she would victimize herself and start crying. She would get drunk and forcibly force physical affection on me or berate me for being depressed or having cuts on my arms. Growing up in this environment has left me as a broken shell of a person who can hardly stay alive in this society while it perceives me as lazy and unmotivated. I've wanted to die since the age of 6. With all of that and then 6 years of constant school bullying, I cannot bring myself to trust people. I go through constantly hating everyone around me and loving at the same time. My days are just filled with mood swings where the highs are hardly worth the lows. I'm currently getting evaluated psychologically as there's a high chance I might have BPD. I hate myself and feel trapped in my own broken brain and body.

I don't hold any hope for myself. I've gone through countless medications and years of therapy. I don't honestly care for life or getting better at this point. Thinking about dying and preparing for it is the only thing that makes me feel truly feel alive.

@catsarecool

Wow, that must be a tough position to be in. I can certainly understand your hesitation.

On one hand it might not be fair to him, but you haven't fully opened up. On the other hand, your depriving yourself of something that admittedly makes you happy. While being selfless is commendable, how often do you indulge? Is this something you WANT or NEED? Would it sweeten your remaining time?

Do you think it's worth fully opening up to let this person know about your feelings and intention, or would that be too dangerous?

The time I've spent with him just flirting and enjoying our time together has been extremely joyful for me. I'm really grateful for those times and honestly, I've been self-indulgent with it. I think I've gotten more than plenty of happiness and joy thanks to him and I think this is a good way to end things. If i said that I've been selfless in this situation I'd be lying. I'm just trying to find the middle ground of not burdening him anymore than I will. We're already pretty close and I know I will already hurting him a lot, especially if he has feelings for me. For me the pain will end when my life ends but the other people will have to deal with what I've done and I want to make it easier for people I love.

I don't think there would be anything he could do to stop me, but I am scared for his reaction. I would hate to see him be hurt or visibly upset for my decision even if it's understandable. I don't want him to stress anymore than needed, considering that I don't think he or anyone can change my decision yknow.

Hi sorry I edited my post to include the last sentence. It doesn't sound sketchy to me at all, having been in that no-contact position myself. I was incredibly grateful for the friend who wrote to me but not having addresses or contact information for 99% of the people in my life, it was pretty much impossible to stay in touch with them or even let them know where I was. And I actually didn't want to let the majority of them know where I was, or why I was there, now that I mention it. I just felt incredibly guilty that the guy I had become so close to, may have believed I no longer gave a shit about him and it may have contributed to him ctb. I know he had problems and I don't want to sound arrogant in saying it was my fault. But I know he felt a lot for me too and the fact I disappeared off the face of the earth must have really hurt him.
I think your guy is very lucky to have someone as understanding as yourself

It's okay, I understood what you mean I was just trying to clear up things! That definitely sounds like a difficult situation and honestly I'm glad I got to say goodbye to my guy. It was a very touching and emotional goodbye and I don't mind leaving that as our last interaction at least if I decide to CTB anytime soon. And I understand the guilt you feel, sadly life doesn't always pan out the way you want and decides to throw curveballs like that at your way. I hope you don't feel too guilty. These things sadly happen and hopefully he still knew that you really did care, because from what you've told you were really close even if you weren't there at the time.

Sorry I'm a very slow typer at times.

 

[montana007]

Hi sorry I edited my post to include the last sentence. It doesn't sound sketchy to me at all, having been in that no-contact position myself. I was incredibly grateful for the friend who wrote to me but not having addresses or contact information for 99% of the people in my life, it was pretty much impossible to stay in touch with them or even let them know where I was. And I actually didn't want to let the majority of them know where I was, or why I was there, now that I mention it. I just felt incredibly guilty that the guy I had become so close to, may have believed I no longer gave a shit about him and it may have contributed to him ctb. I know he had problems and I don't want to sound arrogant in saying it was my fault. But I know he felt a lot for me too and the fact I disappeared off the face of the earth must have really hurt him.
I think your guy is very lucky to have someone as understanding as yourself

Well to be absolutely blunt (and I'm sure you've heard this or read this before and I know this from experience): once a person has really decided that they want out, has sourced the necessary, and in some cases even has a date planned, then there's very little if anything another person can do for them. It's just like another line that's been crossed or point reached from where there is no return no matter what may change. Almost as if it it were destined to happen no matter what (I use the word destined rather loosely as I don't subscribe to the notion of destiny) (not anymore anyway). So maybe he was just a bit more miserable at the time. But go through it he probably would have done anyway. And then YOU would be the one that's upset and hurt. Put another way: if a person is resolute (for whatever their reasons may be) to off themselves then no amount of pandering to them or trying to help them is going to change the eventual and final outcome and non person should blame themselves if that's the final and end result. Having heard from you may have made it a slightly happier (or possibly an even more sad) experience but from the little bit of information you've provided: it would have happened anyway. It really was just a question of timing.

Suicide is a very complicated and complex topic and one which the majority of the population, in my opinion, are either incapable of understanding or simply refuse to understand for their own selfish reasons. And as a matter of fact: over the months I've formed the opinion that most that don't understand are possibly even jealous that people that have decided to commit suicide and take matters into their own hands (it being the ONE thing that they have TOTAL control of in their lives) because as screwed up as their lives may be or may become (like watching a freight train accident in slow motion knowing what the eventual outcome is going to be) they don't have the guts to admit it or to go through with it. I tell you: the next person that I hear saying to somebody that suicide is the easy or coward's way out I will personally throttle them to death (they'll get there before me! Lol!). Unless it's a purely emotional and on the spot decision: it's the hardest and most difficult decision any individual will ever have to make in their lives especially if it's for practical rather than emotional or psychological or physical disability or debilitating pain reasons (and even under those circumstances it takes sheer guts as there's so many factors that come into play).

 

[Morphosis]

Having heard from you may have made it a slightly happier (or possibly an even more sad) experience but from the little bit of information you've provided: it would have happened anyway. It really was just a question of timing.

WOW, thank you so much for that. Yes, you're right... after all, we met on THIS forum, both of us looking for resources on how to go about offing ourselves in the best manner possible. He certainly made my life much more bearable, made me laugh (against my will!!) and gave me something to look forward to each day. And yet.... I still attempted to hang myself due to unbearable events of that particular day, the culmination of an unbearable year.... all of which led to me being locked-up in the midst of lock-down
As much as I had come to love him, nothing and nobody could've stopped me that day. If I had had access to N like he did, I wouldn't be here right now either. And so I can only guess that something similar happened him, he reached his breaking point, and he chose that particular time to make use of his N. At least he had the "gold standard" as such, and if he did CTB, I can only pray it was peaceful for him.
Thanks @dalpat077 , you have actually helped ease my conscience a little bit

 

[montana007]

I haven't go onto that much detail before on this forum but I might as well. I grew up in a unstable abusive home with an alcoholic cheater of a dad and a mother who would spent the night screaming at him, threatening to kill herself or my father or all of us by burning the house down. I was expected to just take all of the verbal abuse she would scream at me or she would victimize herself and start crying. She would get drunk and forcibly force physical affection on me or berate me for being depressed or having cuts on my arms. Growing up in this environment has left me as a broken shell of a person who can hardly stay alive in this society while it perceives me as lazy and unmotivated. I've wanted to die since the age of 6. With all of that and then 6 years of constant school bullying, I cannot bring myself to trust people. I go through constantly hating everyone around me and loving at the same time. My days are just filled with mood swings where the highs are hardly worth the lows. I'm currently getting evaluated psychologically as there's a high chance I might have BPD. I hate myself and feel trapped in my own broken brain and body.

I don't hold any hope for myself. I've gone through countless medications and years of therapy. I don't honestly care for life or getting better at this point. Thinking about dying and preparing for it is the only thing that makes me feel truly feel alive.


The time I've spent with him just flirting and enjoying our time together has been extremely joyful for me. I'm really grateful for those times and honestly, I've been self-indulgent with it. I think I've gotten more than plenty of happiness and joy thanks to him and I think this is a good way to end things. If i said that I've been selfless in this situation I'd be lying. I'm just trying to find the middle ground of not burdening him anymore than I will. We're already pretty close and I know I will already hurting him a lot, especially if he has feelings for me. For me the pain will end when my life ends but the other people will have to deal with what I've done and I want to make it easier for people I love.

I don't think there would be anything he could do to stop me, but I am scared for his reaction. I would hate to see him be hurt or visibly upset for my decision even if it's understandable. I don't want him to stress anymore than needed, considering that I don't think he or anyone can change my decision yknow.



It's okay, I understood what you mean I was just trying to clear up things! That definitely sounds like a difficult situation and honestly I'm glad I got to say goodbye to my guy. It was a very touching and emotional goodbye and I don't mind leaving that as our last interaction at least if I decide to CTB anytime soon. And I understand the guilt you feel, sadly life doesn't always pan out the way you want and decides to throw curveballs like that at your way. I hope you don't feel too guilty. These things sadly happen and hopefully he still knew that you really did care, because from what you've told you were really close even if you weren't there at the time.

Sorry I'm a very slow typer at times.

Well that sure doesn't sound like a pleasant start to life. I cannot imagine what it must be like because I was never subjected to anything even remotely like that.

I would say like this (bearing in mind that this is all personal conjecture based on months and months of pondering on the topic, reading as much as I could on the topic, even trying to find some sense in atheist vs. theist arguments, possible life after death, you name it) (and I reckon not even all of that makes me an expert):

Personally I think that if there is still hope (this part is key) that things can change and improve (whether it be by becoming involved in a relationship or simply by making new friends or maybe by making a lot of money and being able to do things that you ordinarily would not be able to do and enjoy life, or if medication would make a difference) (although medication is a double edged sword which I'll get to i.e. I'm well versed in this field as well): then hang in there and do whatever it takes. But if the probabilities of any of those things happening, no matter how hard you try to make them happen, or if you've simply lost the will to even try due to past disappointments and history simply repeating itself over and over again: well then I believe it's time to make that final decision. I say that medication is a double edged sword because for sure it can and does work. I'm an ardent proponent of the use of antidepressants and the use of benzodiazapenes etc. But herein lies the problem. It's a thing called tolerance. They work for a while. Then when they stop working the medical profession simply ups the dosage. And that cycle continues UNTIL upping dosages is no longer an option because the medication at full strength no longer works and pushing it further would result in an overdose (and no medical practitioner is going to set themselves up for that). So now you're faced with probable addiction and having to taper off one medication and substitute it with another. And the cycle continues. Point insofar as medication is concerned: if you still feel there's hope and a possibility that things can turn around well then medication is worth the effort. This being said: a person doesn't want to end up being a "zombie" either i.e. it's indeed possible to medicate just about ANY emotional or psychological disorder away FOR A TIME and with a high enough dosage. Maybe that buys time that's needed. But that's all that's accomplished. And unless circumstances have changed during that "out of it" period in you life: you have to come back down and start dealing with the same old stuff that led you to taking medication in the first place. Of course: always the chance that the "break" from things will have you return stronger and more positive and be able to deal with life better. It's a judgement call of course and will differ for everyone I guess.

 

[pennylanefinaltake]

I wasn't expecting to see this many other people experiencing the same thing. I recently too started catching feelings for someone I met on another platform for this very issue. But I was wrong about him feeling the same way about me, so I'm going to walk away. I really miss him so much though.

 

[catsarecool]

Well that sure doesn't sound like a pleasant start to life. I cannot imagine what it must be like because I was never subjected to anything even remotely like that.

I would say like this (bearing in mind that this is all personal conjecture based on months and months of pondering on the topic, reading as much as I could on the topic, even trying to find some sense in atheist vs. theist arguments, possible life after death, you name it) (and I reckon not even all of that makes me an expert):

Personally I think that if there is still hope (this part is key) that things can change and improve (whether it be by becoming involved in a relationship or simply by making new friends or maybe by making a lot of money and being able to do things that you ordinarily would not be able to do and enjoy life, or if medication would make a difference) (although medication is a double edged sword which I'll get to i.e. I'm well versed in this field as well): then hang in there and do whatever it takes. But if the probabilities of any of those things happening, no matter how hard you try to make them happen, or if you've simply lost the will to even try due to past disappointments and history simply repeating itself over and over again: well then I believe it's time to make that final decision. I say that medication is a double edged sword because for sure it can and does work. I'm an ardent proponent of the use of antidepressants and the use of benzodiazapenes etc. But herein lies the problem. It's a thing called tolerance. They work for a while. Then when they stop working the medical profession simply ups the dosage. And that cycle continues UNTIL upping dosages is no longer an option because the medication at full strength no longer works and pushing it further would result in an overdose (and no medical practitioner is going to set themselves up for that). So now you're faced with probable addiction and having to taper off one medication and substitute it with another. And the cycle continues. Point insofar as medication is concerned: if you still feel there's hope and a possibility that things can turn around well then medication is worth the effort. This being said: a person doesn't want to end up being a "zombie" either i.e. it's indeed possible to medicate just about ANY emotional or psychological disorder away FOR A TIME and with a high enough dosage. Maybe that buys time that's needed. But that's all that's accomplished. And unless circumstances have changed during that "out of it" period in you life: you have to come back down and start dealing with the same old stuff that led you to taking medication in the first place. Of course: always the chance that the "break" from things will have you return stronger and more positive and be able to deal with life better. It's a judgement call of course and will differ for everyone I guess.

I don't think any of the mentioned will really fill the void that I feel for having to go through the things I did or how I feel about life and myself in general. It's hard to explain but I feel like a rotten apple. Or like I have a void inside me, like I've been broken from the beginning. I don't really feel like I even deserve the happiness or the people I have around me. I despise myself for the way I am. And I don't think other people or money can fix that. I have wonderful friends around me that bring me joy but at the end of it it doesn't change how I feel. I've also tried going off medication and that didn't really change anything either. I think there's always a change to things to get better and all, and I wholeheartedly agree with the notion of trying. But I'm done with life and I feel liberated with it.