Venting getting admitted to the mental ward

[mob]

Oh well. I'm not sure if this belongs here in suicide discussion, if it doesn't please let me know.

I'm most probably getting admitted into the mental ward, by choice. My partner is gonna call and ask if it's possible I get admitted for suicidal thoughts and for being a danger to myself. Or even call an ambulance? Don't know. Anyway, she's a mess and I feel bad for it.

However, the reason is not because I want to get better - I know I never, ever will. The last two times in the mental ward didn't help either. My uncontrollable urges are just getting in my way of safely ctb when I'm 100% ready since I'm not in a rush and want to ctb when I'm not feeling impulsive, and I also need a break. I hope that makes sense? I know and have known for a long time that I'll always leave this world by my own hands. Is this attention seeking? I don't know. Fact is, if it keeps going like that I might find a way to impulsively attempt ctb in an unreliable, painful way. Lately my bloodpressure pills and old antidepressants have been temtping me. But it would be of no use, anyway. None of that would kill me, but my deluded brain keeps telling me that yes, if I maybe take a hundred of them I'll die - but I don't want to ctb in a extremely painful way, either - not to mention the fact that this would not work anyway.

My words are all over the place, but I believe it's the right thing to do. Life has been overwhelming me. There was a time where I genuinely did not care about what happens to me, but at that time I was also utterly and completely alone. Now I have to manage a job and my relationship. If it wasn't for that, my health or whether I die or not would actually not matter to me, but when I'm unable to even get out of bed, how else am I going to get a break without my boss having a serious talk with me for being absent so much? She's losing her patience with me anyway.

I'm not getting admitted to get better and "stabilized", because I know that won't happen. I'll ctb when I'm ready. When that will be, I don't know yet. Maybe a year or two. When I've cut everyone off and am in a place where no one knows me. Or cares.

I don't know what else to say, and this post is getting too long now.

 

[OnceThougtTwiceDone]

May I ask why you want to be admitted in? Is it to help with cutting of your friends?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

However, the reason is not because I want to get better - I know I never, ever will.

Then what's the cause going to a psych ward if it already clear that there is no solution for your actual problem or your actual problem cannot be cured / eliminated?

Sorry OP you have to go through this. I hope you can find peace the one or the other way.

but I don't want to ctb in a extremely painful way, either

Understandable, there are ways to do so without hardly any pain.

 

[pictures]

i mean go ahead but a mental hospital really is just a good idea for this to cut off everyone i thought about doing that but the main reason i didnt do it was it really just a place that makes ctb nearly impossible and people contacting you hard to do but i say lay off the pills for a while to collect your self mental hospitals anit all that worth it but I'm just speaking from experience i had from them

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't really think that sounds like attention seeking at all, I think it's really understandable wanting to make sure you don't attempt an obviously unreliable method that would just lead to more suffering, failing suicide sounds so horrible to me. But anyway best wishes with your plans.

 

[Walilamdzii]

I don't recommend the UK MH services, it's basically just a holding pen where there are a bunch of other struggling people and you're stuck with them all day while they throw different meds at you...