ElTopo
Don't listen to me, I am drunk
- Mar 30, 2025
- 196
I'm about to clock out at my evening shift at work, I'll probably go home, smoke a cig and get to bed, I'm not too sad about it, there's some furniture in my room I would like to rearrange but I have no friends to help me do it. I've been to that prostitute who likes me a lot again, went incredibly well, everytime I call her she wants me to stay the night and not pay anything, she always says she's kidnapping me, says looking at me makes her embarassed and all sorts of sweet stuff I used to long for from someone else, but it didn't make me feel anything, I brought her a gift and even took her on a ride cause she wanted a burger. And you know I wasn't unpolite or a jerk or anything but I couldn't enjoy anything of it, I couldn't talk, I couldn't feel anything from this very positively weird thing I was living, and she wasn't unhappy about it, she seemed pretty pleased for the night but at some point she told me "you look so tired", and I've been telling that to myself for all the life I remember which doesn't go much further than maybe 10 years, for some time I thought I could force myself a normal life, and I have a life some people would even envy, I have a stable job at a factory, I have my own apartment, I'm physically fit, I can hold up with the money I get, but I am so miserably alone, the few friends I have I rarely see, and my "best friend" or so to speak is such a disappointment, we tried so much to help him find a job and get his life together but he keeps letting us all down, lost his gf and still is unmoved and will keep playing LoL in his room while everyone slowly removes themselves from his life and he refuses to take any responsibility whatsoever, this shit really put me down a while ago.
And you know I never wanted to upset my family, although they never gave much care about upsetting or traumatizing their children, my dad beat my ass up as a kid, my mom was hysterical most of the time, I don't remember a time playing with them, my brother and sister were constantly torturing me and even there I tried to care for my sister when she started developing anorexia and being a manipulative jerk, and I still care and I'm happy that she is past most of that, but that shit ruined me forever, you shouldn't have to go through someone trying to manipulating you into helping them kill themselves, calling at 3am screaming and threatening, breaking plates in the silence on a sunday evening, going to work while she throws coffee cups out the door and puts down the table, and you know, my mom was anorexic too and she definitely talked her into becoming like this, she always tried to set her off and make her go psycho, she never cared enough, I always had to step in and stand near her for hours but my mom couldn't take it for 30 seconds before she too would be screaming and breaking stuff like crazy, and my dad was an asshole too, always escaping, always minimizing, he is such a tiny man.
I was bullied at school and I was emarginated and mobbed at work but who isn't, you have to put up with that and be strong right, you let it slide off of you and for a while I could, but now it all comes back, they way you keep yourself from feeling so you won't hurt, at some point you can't go back to feeling alright no more.
And all the times I tried my best, I resuscitated myself a thousand times, tried a hundred thing, I HOPED so much and I worked to make those hopes come through and nothing ever worked for me.
I prayed so much, I did everything I had to do.
I don't know how or when I'll die but I hope soon and if not I want from the bottom of my soul to drink and smoke myself to death, I'd be so incredibly happy to die in silence, alone, with no light. I have no strong opinion against life but the people I've met in this life? Yeah, they were all a big fucking disappointment.
I don't even know what the point of writing this is, nothing can change it, but maybe it's better that at least someone can hear somewhat of a hint to the full story.
And you know I never wanted to upset my family, although they never gave much care about upsetting or traumatizing their children, my dad beat my ass up as a kid, my mom was hysterical most of the time, I don't remember a time playing with them, my brother and sister were constantly torturing me and even there I tried to care for my sister when she started developing anorexia and being a manipulative jerk, and I still care and I'm happy that she is past most of that, but that shit ruined me forever, you shouldn't have to go through someone trying to manipulating you into helping them kill themselves, calling at 3am screaming and threatening, breaking plates in the silence on a sunday evening, going to work while she throws coffee cups out the door and puts down the table, and you know, my mom was anorexic too and she definitely talked her into becoming like this, she always tried to set her off and make her go psycho, she never cared enough, I always had to step in and stand near her for hours but my mom couldn't take it for 30 seconds before she too would be screaming and breaking stuff like crazy, and my dad was an asshole too, always escaping, always minimizing, he is such a tiny man.
I was bullied at school and I was emarginated and mobbed at work but who isn't, you have to put up with that and be strong right, you let it slide off of you and for a while I could, but now it all comes back, they way you keep yourself from feeling so you won't hurt, at some point you can't go back to feeling alright no more.
And all the times I tried my best, I resuscitated myself a thousand times, tried a hundred thing, I HOPED so much and I worked to make those hopes come through and nothing ever worked for me.
I prayed so much, I did everything I had to do.
I don't know how or when I'll die but I hope soon and if not I want from the bottom of my soul to drink and smoke myself to death, I'd be so incredibly happy to die in silence, alone, with no light. I have no strong opinion against life but the people I've met in this life? Yeah, they were all a big fucking disappointment.
I don't even know what the point of writing this is, nothing can change it, but maybe it's better that at least someone can hear somewhat of a hint to the full story.
