Genuinely tired of people telling me how to recover

[rebelsue]

After I told an acquaintance of mine that I was doing better than I was doing a month ago, and that I was working hard, and that I hoped things would get better from here, she gave me one of the common asinine responses that people give that makes me want to punch walls.

"Well, don't hope. Just make it happen."

LITERALLY FUCK YOU. I had to just do what i normally do and smile along and nod and pretend she was telling me something useful because I am tired of fighting people on this. How can I possibly be the only person who sees how ridiculous this is? Has my life really been THAT bad that no one can relate to me? I guess it must have been, since i'm here.

People want me to be more positive. Hope is a positive thing. Hope is all I have. I have spent my ENTIRE LIFE "making it happen" and still experiencing failure. it's lunacy to think that we have 100% control over things that I can "make it happen" and then it will happen. These idiots think that hoping is a perpetual state of not having. Eat my asshole. Hope is what you're gonna get from me, after everything I have been through, hope is the best you're going to get.

My husband could get killed in an accident tomorrow. I could become permanently disabled. We could lose all our money. What about all those people who were gonna "make it happen" and then the coronavirus pandemic swept the globe and knocked out economies and killed their loved ones? You'd think now more than ever people would realize that the law of attraction isn't 100% guaranteed. (Honestly, they probably think that someone's negative attitude manifested the virus or something.) You can do your best, and hope. That is literally all we can do. Fuck these fucking positive thinking fucking people. I am over it. They took a good thing like hope and doing your best and mutated it into stupidity.

I feel like that idea has taken on many forms over the centuries of human civilizations, but the most recent iteration comes from The Secret which came out of Los Angeles, CA's self-help guru/life coach/scammer industry where everybody wishes for a perfect body and lots of money. So yeah, in the entertainment and business world I would believe you do have to kinda keep on this plasticized permanent smile and believe with your whole heart that you'll get everything you want if you just want it bad enough. That world is so competitive and hopeless and there are no intermediate landing spots if you fail at being a celebrity that people pretty much have to adopt that super nutcase mindset in order to survive and feel motivated to keep trying.

That is not the case for 99.999999% of us who are not LA wannabes. The rest of us are flawed people living in the real world, full of all kinds of catastrophic uncertainties. Hope is a GOOD THING, people. Don't tell people not to hope.

 

[Evermore]

I can understand why you're annoyed . Having hope is a great thing so try not to let that person's words bring you down . These people who preach positivity can irritate me , A LOT ! Especially when they don't practice what they preach . I'm sure this person has plenty of things that they hope for because they just can't make them happen. Hope is what keeps me going and I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

[nerve]

I hate this kind of thing too. People think they're being so profound or we'll go home and be like "wow I never thought of it that way..." and then truly be able to start turning things around and Making It Happen. Even the phrasing, like the activeness of the word "making" sets up a great opening to blame someone for not getting well too. "Well, all you had to do was Make It Happen so I don't know what your problem is."

It feels like a lot of the time, people just say things because they sound nice or paint a pretty, sensible, easily-digested picture of the world where everything is just and makes sense and happens for some sort of spiritual reason. I wonder if it's a control thing. Life must seem a lot less scary and chaotic and random when you can blame people for their own misfortune or justify it with fluffy platitudes.

"How can you expect to love someone if you don't love yourself?" is one I think about a lot. It doesn't even make much sense and really devalues the love of people who aren't at the point of self-love and maybe never will be. Sure is catchy though. I hate it. There's nothing deep or thoughtful about these neat and tidy explanations / solutions people like to latch onto.

 

[AnnonyBox]

I too despise false hope, in today's world it seems like the only options are delusional false hope, or hopelessness. I've given up hope, because all it has ever done for me is make the fall from hope back to despair even worse.

 

[rebelsue]

I too despise false hope, in today's world it seems like the only options are delusional false hope, or hopelessness. I've given up hope, because all it has ever done for me is make the fall from hope back to despair even worse.

False hope is bad, too but that's not what I was writing about.

I'm writing about how I worked my ass off to go from hopeless to hope, and then someone tells me that hoping isn't enough and that I have to just "make it happen." That's fucking annoying. Hope had better be good enough.

I hate this kind of thing too. People think they're being so profound or we'll go home and be like "wow I never thought of it that way..." and then truly be able to start turning things around and Making It Happen. Even the phrasing, like the activeness of the word "making" sets up a great opening to blame someone for not getting well too. "Well, all you had to do was Make It Happen so I don't know what your problem is."

It feels like a lot of the time, people just say things because they sound nice or paint a pretty, sensible, easily-digested picture of the world where everything is just and makes sense and happens for some sort of spiritual reason. I wonder if it's a control thing. Life must seem a lot less scary and chaotic and random when you can blame people for their own misfortune or justify it with fluffy platitudes.

"How can you expect to love someone if you don't love yourself?" is one I think about a lot. It doesn't even make much sense and really devalues the love of people who aren't at the point of self-love and maybe never will be. Sure is catchy though. I hate it. There's nothing deep or thoughtful about these neat and tidy explanations / solutions people like to latch onto.

Yes, things that sound catchy really are a big problem in general. Especially if those catchy things have no meaning or connection to reality.

 

[Wolfjob_dayjob]

I get that. I'm doing better, and I hate when people see my progress, and comment on how I could be doing better with advice or pithy one liners that don't apply. Bitch fuck off? The type of empty phrase saying "just do it" when you're ALREADY doing it, and even doing recovery in strides, doesn't do anything to help in the first place. It scoffs at your efforts and calls it not good enough.

On the same topic- wait I have snake oil to sell you! Pls buy my internet pamphlets.

 

[I_love_to_bake]

That sounds so frustrating. It's awful when people don't even attempt to understand you or think deeply. You are right, we don't have 100% control over everything. People forget somehow that our body has it's own needs too. If we controlled our bodies like some kind of machine or robot with 100% control, then nobody would ever struggle with addiction or anything. It's important to remember that relationship with your body. Treat your body right and it treats you well back...

Also, there are many who don't even believe in free will, only conditioning and determinism. Maybe they are right, and that would explain why humans are so bad at finding happiness.

 

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

I think many of us are sick of know-it-alls and insipid platitudes. It's one thing to humbly give advice in good faith. It's another to rattle off vacuous bullshit as if it means something. I saw this ad the other day for online counseling that read "because you're worth it." Well, maybe I'm not: stop acting as if it's a foregone conclusion that I am.

 

[rebelsue]

I think many of us are sick of know-it-alls and insipid platitudes. It's one thing to humbly give advice in good faith. It's another to rattle off vacuous bullshit as if it means something. I saw this ad the other day for online counseling that read "because you're worth it." Well, maybe I'm not: stop acting as if it's a foregone conclusion that I am.

For some people I suppose feeling worthwhile is a helpful thing to hear. For others it's just insulting. I guess you aren't the target market for that particular product. I don't know. I hate life. I hate how we have to brand ourselves like products. I can't just "be" -- it's not enough that I just am. Although people say it should be, and then turn right around and tell me I need a brand.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Your recovery journey is a very personal journey and every single recovery is different. Nobody can or should tell you what to do or how to do it. Of course people will give suggestions but it's up to you if you follow or use them. I think people have good intentions but just don't understand well enough.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I have someone who will not listen to anything I say if it's bad. She'll actually put the phone on speaker and get on with something else. She won't hear anything negative, even if the situation is negative in truth. Say something positive and she engages. It pisses me off and is its own brand of toxicity. It's tantamount to saying 'Your feelings and thoughts don't count, you should think like me.' It's often how people who do not understand cope with people who are suffering, especially if they have been trying to offer support for quite some time.

I can't abide mindless optimism. However, neither do I favour relentless pessimism. I want to try and see things as they are: if they are bad, admit it. If they are good, feel grateful. Recovery has to progress at the individual's pace. Anything that is rushed to fit someone else's criteria is going to cause more harm than good. The difficult part is being honest with yourself, especially if your views may be skewed by the condition. But that too, is part of the process, learning to accept your perceptions as they are.

 

[MaybeSoon]

Most peoples advice seem perfectly logical to someone who hasn't hit rock bottom enough to want death.

Just have to remember that if anyone gives advice they care about you even though it's frustrating because it feels like they don't understand.

 

[rebelsue]

Most peoples advice seem perfectly logical to someone who hasn't hit rock bottom enough to want death.

Just have to remember that if anyone gives advice they care about you even though it's frustrating because it feels like they don't understand.

It would be nice if I had realized that and not just obsessed over whether or not I was wrong or being praised. This is why I'm a shitty person. In lieu of dying right now I am just trying to figure out how to live in isolation. Dying is just such a hassle. It's so extreme. There might be hope for me if I can just stay away from people and work all the time.

 

[Blu_1]

Clearly I had my more hopeful days.

One thing that worked well for me was just letting things be. The more I did not put a strict timeline to recover, the faster and less "torturous" recovery was.