Venting gender/sexuality crisis and possibly some internalized bullshit

[author]

Without getting into specifics, I've been identifying as non-binary for years with a lot of confusion on my sexuality due to repeated sexual trauma.

Recently I had the revelation that I'm not, in fact, "just non-binary" like I've been telling myself. I'm at least somewhat masculine. I don't know where on that spectrum I land yet but I think it might be closer to trans man. I've considered this before, but every time I've gotten so dysphoric about not passing that I slide back into "ambiguously non-binary" because then I "don't have to try" and thus "can't fail at being a boy" if that makes sense. I know, boys can look like anything, wear anything, whatever... I just never get gendered correctly no matter what and it made me keep going back into my shell of "okay well I'm just non-binary and most people don't get it so it's fine". With the gender realization crashing down on me, there was something else that hit me like a freight train too; my sexuality.

Like I said, I have a lot of repeated sexual trauma. I won't get into specifics, but it's pretty much been exclusively men with one exception. I was never really able to have any healthy form of sexuality due to all of the goddamn trauma. SA and internalized puritan culture bullshit will do that to you. Recently I've been reclaiming being sexual and having desires and it's made me realize that I was wrong. I thought I liked women, but I think that's only because they felt safe compared to men. Primarily, the women I've actually been "attracted" to have been butch/masculine. The worst part is, there was sometimes this weird feeling in the back of my head when I'd see pictures of butch women like; "man, I wish that was a trans guy" or something. It was some weird instinct that always confused me because, as far as I could tell, I "didn't like men". So why was I wanting to be looking at a man? I think I like femininity in an aesthetic sense, but I think I'm recognizing a difference now in attraction vs aesthetic appreciation. It's possible that, me liking butch/masculine women was just me seeking out masculinity in a "safe" way while subconsciously desiring a "safe" man. Like, the last time a girl who was femme and aesthetically attractive flirted with me, all I felt was vague discomfort and I was so confused why I was feeling that way. I THOUGHT I WAS AROACE BECAUSE OF IT.

I've been very into gay media as well - across the whole spectrum, but particularly I like gay men in ships and media specifically. I never really could figure out why. Sure, I liked lesbian ships, but I always figured I "should be more into them" because again, I thought I was just like, a non-binary lesbian. However, in romance games, I'm usually drawn to the men. In shipping, I'm usually drawn to gay ships. I like yaoi more than yuri. Sometimes media crushes really are just safer, and people only like certain genders in fiction, but this shit was way too much of a pattern. When it comes to women in romance games and stuff like that, I have a couple crushes, but it's literally nothing in comparison. Most of it's aesthetic attraction or relating to them on a personal level if that makes sense.

It's a lot harder to imagine myself having sex with women, too. Like, since I haven't had bottom surgery yet, I don't like imagining it with- let's just call it my current build lol. So I try to imagine myself "as a man" and it makes it infinitely better. Recently I'd tried imagining myself as a man, with a man, and it struck me that I didn't hate it. I liked the idea. However, the idea of having sex with a woman regardless of my equipment does not turn me on nearly as much. I still just get the vibe of "she's pretty" and not much else. I think the nail in the coffin was realizing that (in the most sfw wording possible) I'd bottom for a guy, but not for a girl. I'd like a guy's chest as much as a girl's chest if not potentially more.

The problem with all this, the reason it's really hard to celebrate figuring this out - is that the trauma is very much still there. I've only just begun to work through it.

I have literally never met a man who didn't concern me in some way. Part of that is the mistrust from trauma, and part of that is just the general fuckin' behavior of men - if you know, you know. Last time I met a new guy, it was a new coworker, and he literally asked me if I'm a "gooner" within the first 30 minutes of meeting me because I mentioned liking to read visual novels. Like, fuck! I can't even meet one NORMAL ASS GUY? Why do I have to be attracted to men anyway, man... It's hard enough being trans, hard enough to find a partner who won't just see you as "woman-lite" and not an actual guy because you're still a bit femme or don't pass or just because you are trans - but among MEN??? That shit sounds next to impossible. Sure, I could date another trans guy, but why do I have to be restricted just to make sure I'm respected?

On one hand I'm glad to know this is a thing with me, but on the other hand, FOR FUCKS SAKE. Shit's proof you can't fucking choose your sexuality because I'd choose to be asexual if I could, or at least choose to be attracted to women, because this shit's ridiculous.

On an only semi-related note, I've been listening to It's Only Sex by Carseat Headrest and it's very relatable. Even better yet, there's a The Summer Hikaru Died animatic of it. Those two things in combination feel like the perfect summary of my feelings on sex in general, but the fact that it's yaoi/gay feels particularly important to the metaphor.

 

[Dejected 55]

Not for nothing, but... is it possible you're just more of a "tomboy" type? I want to be clear that there is zero problems with you deciding you are non-binary or trans-masculine or if you decide you are gay or straight. That's all up to however you are wired and for you realize.

But... since your first instinct was to non-binary, but then are realizing you feel at least a little masculine... that's why I bring up tomboys. It seems like we don't hardly ever see tomboys anymore. Any woman who would have been a tomboy previously seems to be non-binary or labeled as a butch-lesbian... and while there's nothing wrong with any of those... I wonder if girls and young women today are even aware that tomboy is an option.

When I was little... I met a new kid in the neighborhood. We played together a bunch of times. I think I was maybe a year older but the other kid was a little smaller than me. I was probably about 9-10 at that time, give or take. Anyway, one random day a snobby neighbor woman was walking to my mother and saying to her that she ought not let me play with that "nasty girl" because she was a bad influence. My mother didn't know who the lady was talking about... and I wasn't aware of having a girl friend that I had been playing with... so I was confused.

Turns out... that new friend I had made was in face a girl. I guess I would have eventually known because I knew her for years... but I certainly didn't know then. She had a shorter haircut than I did, I never saw her in a dress of any kind, and she played all the kinds of stuff that boys played at that age. Hell, she kind of was a bad influence on me for a bit because she got me to break into an abandoned home nearby that I guess the bank owned or something, but the previous tenant had been evicted already. Anyway, that's how I found out my new friend was a girl.

She was a tomboy, very much like any boy I ever played with back then. It wasn't until she was quite a bit older that I saw her growing her hair longer and styling it and such in a way that made her appear more obviously feminine. I hope that change was her choice and not one she was pressured into as she grew older... but I moved at some point around that time and we lost touch and that was a very long time ago.

Anyway... the long and short of my point is... with all the hubbub lately about trying to oppress the LGBTQ+ community, people forget that there are lots of boys with feminine "traits" who are still otherwise growing up to be men with general male interests... and girls with male "traits" who are otherwise growing up to be women with general female interests.

Don't let anyone force you into any label or box... Sounds like you are trying to figure yourself out, and that's fine. No need to rush it. Figure out who you really are and who you are attracted to... and don't worry about the labels others might try and put on you in the meantime.

 

[author]

Not for nothing, but... is it possible you're just more of a "tomboy" type? I want to be clear that there is zero problems with you deciding you are non-binary or trans-masculine or if you decide you are gay or straight. That's all up to however you are wired and for you realize.

But... since your first instinct was to non-binary, but then are realizing you feel at least a little masculine... that's why I bring up tomboys. It seems like we don't hardly ever see tomboys anymore. Any woman who would have been a tomboy previously seems to be non-binary or labeled as a butch-lesbian... and while there's nothing wrong with any of those... I wonder if girls and young women today are even aware that tomboy is an option.

When I was little... I met a new kid in the neighborhood. We played together a bunch of times. I think I was maybe a year older but the other kid was a little smaller than me. I was probably about 9-10 at that time, give or take. Anyway, one random day a snobby neighbor woman was walking to my mother and saying to her that she ought not let me play with that "nasty girl" because she was a bad influence. My mother didn't know who the lady was talking about... and I wasn't aware of having a girl friend that I had been playing with... so I was confused.

Turns out... that new friend I had made was in face a girl. I guess I would have eventually known because I knew her for years... but I certainly didn't know then. She had a shorter haircut than I did, I never saw her in a dress of any kind, and she played all the kinds of stuff that boys played at that age. Hell, she kind of was a bad influence on me for a bit because she got me to break into an abandoned home nearby that I guess the bank owned or something, but the previous tenant had been evicted already. Anyway, that's how I found out my new friend was a girl.

She was a tomboy, very much like any boy I ever played with back then. It wasn't until she was quite a bit older that I saw her growing her hair longer and styling it and such in a way that made her appear more obviously feminine. I hope that change was her choice and not one she was pressured into as she grew older... but I moved at some point around that time and we lost touch and that was a very long time ago.

Anyway... the long and short of my point is... with all the hubbub lately about trying to oppress the LGBTQ+ community, people forget that there are lots of boys with feminine "traits" who are still otherwise growing up to be men with general male interests... and girls with male "traits" who are otherwise growing up to be women with general female interests.

Don't let anyone force you into any label or box... Sounds like you are trying to figure yourself out, and that's fine. No need to rush it. Figure out who you really are and who you are attracted to... and don't worry about the labels others might try and put on you in the meantime.

I mean, I was a "tomboy" as a kid. Now I'm just "boy". Sometimes it just happens that way.

However, I'm definitely not a tomboy or a woman in any capacity. Like, if it came down to "de-transition or die", I'd genuinely rather die than be stuck living as a woman even if I was presenting as a "tomboy". While I've experienced confusion with my gender, that's the one constant I've always known - I'm not a woman. My experience with being non-binary is important to me, even if it turns out I'm a trans man instead, because it's given me a space to not be trapped in the box of "woman" or "tomboy". Honestly, I'm really sorry, but the thought of calling myself a "tomboy", even just implying that I'm a boyish-woman and not just an actual boy, makes me want to throw up a little.

Even before my trauma, and before I knew what being trans was (and I learned a little later into my teen years because of where I live), I was still aware that I didn't feel like a girl at all. I liked feeling like "one of the boys" and got upset when anyone pointed out that I'm "not actually a boy" or treated me differently than they would any of the boys. I liked when people "mistook" me for a boy. I still get dysphoric when I'm misgendered / called a woman but that's not why my gender/sexuality crisis happened. I've already been living as not-a-woman through being non-binary for like... almost a decade. It's just that I never specified my gender beyond "not-a-woman" through being ambiguously non-binary.

Nowadays I know plenty of women who are gender non-conforming, or tomboys as you'd put it. It's kind of related to butch in my mind, it's just that butches are usually queer so they don't really call themselves tomboys. I think the term itself is just a bit outdated or feels childish to a lot of women. I can't really say though since I don't identify that way.

I appreciate the support and I know it comes from a genuine place, but I just want to clarify that I'm not being forced either way or worried about labels other people will put on me. I want to figure this out for my benefit. My main concern with this post is honestly the sexuality part.

Regardless I do appreciate the suggestion, because it's only reaffirmed in my mind that I'm definitely leaning more masculine in my gender and might just fully be a trans guy.

 

[Dejected 55]

Honestly, your second post seemed like a very thorough self-reflection and if I'd read that, I would never have asked about being a tomboy. I only asked that since your original post made me think you were more on the fence and were searching yourself... but it seems to me like you are more sure of who you are than perhaps you realized when you made your first post.

I'm glad you didn't take offense to what I said. I've known many transgender people from male, female, and non-binary... some I have known and talked to more than others. All of them had some period of self-doubt, usually because of things people around them or parents were pressuring them, but all of them ultimately knew who they were when they tuned out all the noise and just looked inward to see who they always really were.

And not for nothing... I have known a few women who were tomboys growing up and became adult women that sometimes were labeled as being "masculine" for the way they presented themselves or the way they behaved... and they resented being labeled as butch/lesbian because of those stereotypes. So it can kind of work against you either way.

Other people are going to get it wrong... and you unfortunately will have to deal with some of that, because people can suck at times. The main thing, I think, is being true to yourself and trying to surround yourself with people who are good with you as you are.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I've considered this before, but every time I've gotten so dysphoric about not passing that I slide back into "ambiguously non-binary" because then I "don't have to try" and thus "can't fail at being a boy" if that makes sense.

Primarily, the women I've actually been "attracted" to have been butch/masculine. The worst part is, there was sometimes this weird feeling in the back of my head when I'd see pictures of butch women like; "man, I wish that was a trans guy" or something.

I've been very into gay media as well - across the whole spectrum, but particularly I like gay men in ships and media specifically.

It's scary how much of this post I would have written myself a few years ago.

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Side note: If you're looking for a song that matches this experience, I recommend I/Me/Myself by Will Wood.

TikTok sort of made it into a "trans anthem," but it's actually a semi-auto-biographical song about Will's own experience identifying as genderqueer for years because being a cis "functionally straight" (his words) man who likes makeup and feminine clothes, and bright colors and flowers, was "impossible." It also touches on how his own fans pushed him that way because they would constantly assume he was genderqueer.

The lyrics are "and now you got me thinking I wish I could be a girl." It's about placing your worth on what others expect you to be.

(The original recording is great, but he has a live ukulele version I recommend more. Feels more like acceptance, while the original one feels like anger, and the demo versions feel like rage)