Venting Gender Dysphoria

[democritusjunior]

I'm sure my family or friends would be quite "accepting" in the event that my mind earns its triumph over my body; I'm also sure, however, that they'd be delighted in my suicide (assuming they learn of the mental illness with which I'm afflicted posthumously) before I sully their reputation with my "transition." Not to worry, either, on my end, because I wont die! Interred underneath a gravestone baring an alien name, will be some unfamiliar body—and that is all. Perhaps I'm deluded in believing in the noble suicides of Seneca and the like.

Sometimes I feel profound shame, living in a liberal state in a liberal country in an enlightened area of the world, for throwing away this rare opportunity, which other people of my ilk would love capitalize upon. But, half-acceptance, to me, is worse than nonacceptance; I can't handle the subtle embarrassment and the cheery smiles through gritted teeth. I'm sure I'm already unsettling and dangerous-seeming as a man, let alone some kind of perverted, freak of medicine. It's all unbearable and I'd very much like to die.

 

[morina]

Yes, people like us basically have three options.
1. Be lucky in the unluckiness of being born wrong, be it through genetics, or starting transition at an early age, or a supportive environment.
2. Be oblivious to being seen as a laughtingstock and a threat (especially as MtF, because we are seen as just "men with wigs invading women's spaces"; FtMs are at least mostly ignored) and content with imperfections.
3. Die.

I have neither of the first two, so I hopefully dare executing option 3 someday soon. I wish you find peace, no matter if in life or death.

 

[ScaredPossum]

Ugh, I feel that. Though, I'm 2-3 years into my transition at this point.

Living in a liberal, more accepting place myself, there's still scary, bigoted folks and people who are afraid of me. But there's also plenty of people who are allies and genuinely accept and love trans people. From experience, not everyone grits their teeth, unless I was in the wrong part of town. Ironically -despite EVERYTHING going on right now- I'm trying to learn that the world can be a safe place, when you can find the places and people that will look out for you. Most of the world is dangerous, and I don't believe I belong regardless, but I think it'll get better as I slowly move away from all the crappy people in my life and the neighborhood I grew up in.

It hurts feeling like there's a target behind my back all the time, and it somehow hurts more that I'm lowkey dead to my family. But, it couldn't hurt more than denying the truth about myself.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

Being trans is tough... So tough... Even in the best of environments there's still something that can go wrong anywhere; it takes a big toll on your mental health and a supportive environment/family is not guaranteed. Issues and pain everywhere, sometimes I feel like it is a curse.

But, even if I'm highlighting only the negatives, I'd like to specify I am aware happy endings do exist, but I also think it's good to see both sides sometimes.

My experience being trans and closested, used to living as something I'm not, has completely changed the way I see a lot of things, and not in a positive way. Feelings of alienation and disgust don't help either. I'm sorry

 

[drag201]

I get it completely. I also live in a liberal area and environment. I feel equally disgusted by myself as I do accepted by other people. I know I'll be a freak of medicine too and my life moving forward will be completely medically artificial, moving and removing parts of my body sounds grotesque in the simplest sense but I know I'll kill myself if I dont complete these procedures and doing them will just prolong the inevitable. Even if I transition with all support from loved ones I'll come to a point where I realise I'm just a sort of mutant imitating a life I was just supposed to have and don't and I'll eventually kill myself soon even after hormones and surgery.

 

[FrustratedMTFtrans]

Yes, people like us basically have three options.
1. Be lucky in the unluckiness of being born wrong, be it through genetics, or starting transition at an early age, or a supportive environment.
2. Be oblivious to being seen as a laughtingstock and a threat (especially as MtF, because we are seen as just "men with wigs invading women's spaces"; FtMs are at least mostly ignored) and content with imperfections.
3. Die.

I have neither of the first two, so I hopefully dare executing option 3 someday soon. I wish you find peace, no matter if in life or death.

It will be No. 3 for me, everything else is impossible or unacceptable. So I need to sort things out, choose a method, location, maybe partner too to CTB with me and do it, dressed, made-up, feeling the female I should have been at birth for the last time.

 

[settling]

I get it completely. I also live in a liberal area and environment. I feel equally disgusted by myself as I do accepted by other people. I know I'll be a freak of medicine too and my life moving forward will be completely medically artificial, moving and removing parts of my body sounds grotesque in the simplest sense but I know I'll kill myself if I dont complete these procedures and doing them will just prolong the inevitable. Even if I transition with all support from loved ones I'll come to a point where I realise I'm just a sort of mutant imitating a life I was just supposed to have and don't and I'll eventually kill myself soon even after hormones and surgery.

this lol id rather die than do that shit. i dont think ive finished my second puberty yet so id have a better chance at "passing" but i still dont wanna do it because its really just a crude emulation of it really. i really do think only like 1-3% of trans women actually pass without batting any eyes, like hunter schafer for example, but the rest is just dudes in dresses and makeup.. like come on now, look at r/transtimelines and its all dudes in dresses and shit, like imagine the eyes they get when they go outside in that and people staring at them and thinking theyre a freak. therapists like to hugbox you and say "well its important for you to live the way you wanna live and ignore what those people have to say" etc but they dont realize is that looking like shrek in a dress isnt preferable to dying. so thats why its better to just repress imo

 

[democritusjunior]

I'm sure my family or friends would be quite "accepting" in the event that my mind earns its triumph over my body; I'm also sure, however, that they'd be delighted in my suicide (assuming they learn of the mental illness with which I'm afflicted posthumously) before I sully their reputation with my "transition." Not to worry, either, on my end, because I wont die! Interred underneath a gravestone baring an alien name, will be some unfamiliar body—and that is all. Perhaps I'm deluded in believing in the noble suicides of Seneca and the like.

Sometimes I feel profound shame, living in a liberal state in a liberal country in an enlightened area of the world, for throwing away this rare opportunity, which other people of my ilk would love capitalize upon. But, half-acceptance, to me, is worse than nonacceptance; I can't handle the subtle embarrassment and the cheery smiles through gritted teeth. I'm sure I'm already unsettling and dangerous-seeming as a man, let alone some kind of perverted, freak of medicine. It's all unbearable and I'd very much like to die.

*won't.

 

[democritusjunior]

Ugh, I feel that. Though, I'm 2-3 years into my transition at this point.

Living in a liberal, more accepting place myself, there's still scary, bigoted folks and people who are afraid of me. But there's also plenty of people who are allies and genuinely accept and love trans people. From experience, not everyone grits their teeth, unless I was in the wrong part of town. Ironically -despite EVERYTHING going on right now- I'm trying to learn that the world can be a safe place, when you can find the places and people that will look out for you. Most of the world is dangerous, and I don't believe I belong regardless, but I think it'll get better as I slowly move away from all the crappy people in my life and the neighborhood I grew up in.

It hurts feeling like there's a target behind my back all the time, and it somehow hurts more that I'm lowkey dead to my family. But, it couldn't hurt more than denying the truth about myself.

On people who "genuinely accept and love trans people:" a notable virtue of living out your days as a non-effeminate cisgender man is my ability to advocate for transgender people without coming across as self-serving or abnormal. I think I've done a fair amount of good in that regard; but, of course, transitioning might undermine that.