Venting Gave up all drugs and alcohol to prove to family its not what is fueling my desire to ctb.

[LoneMisery]

My friends and family believe my alcohol and pot use is a reason for my desire. Im gonna stay clean for a month straight and bring up the topic again, without being angry. Because they feel im just being impulsive. Im willing to stay sober and prove to them that this is me and they dont like it then they need to cut me out as their friend and family member. Im so sick of not being took serious. And being told to get help. Ive gotten help it never worked so now they will need to either accept or decline me as part of their life. The selfishness is real with them i dont see any other way to show them how serious i am. And the realization that i wont get the resources to go peacefully means i will need to purchase a G. Which are illegal in my state. I hope i can switch my address to the neighboring state. Than i can use my license to buy one.
I sure as hell do not want to use a G for my exit but the last few weeks of trying has brought my hopes down even more.

 

[Manaaja]

While it's healthy to drink less and do less drugs, and while I hope you can succeed in staying clean, I'm sad that your family and friends try to blame the drugs/alcohol.

So many people, especially parents and relatives, are quick to say "You are unwell because you drink, smoke, play video games, watch youtube, watch Netflix, read manga, watch anime, spend too much time on phone/computer, wear black clothes". They don't understand what comes first. A child/teen/adult can be sad for years while the parents are all "Laalaalaa, I don't see anything wrong" but the second the offspring touches a bottle or an electronic device the parents screams "Why can't you understand that your life would perfect if you just stopped doing X!".

I really hate how it's often impossible to have deep talks with parents/relatives, because they are all emotionally and mentally in another stratosphere. I feel like the kind of good parents who truly understand their offspring reside mainly in anime dvds. It's amazing how egoistical relatives can be. They are so blind to so many things. They see one side of you and believe that's all there is. They never bother to think "Hey, maybe that person has sides I don't know of. Maybe they have inner speech. Perhaps there are happenings and actions and thoughts and emotions in their life that I'm unaware of. Maybe they have their own life, maybe they exist even when I'm not looking at them".

I hope things will get better for you. Maybe moving states can help. Sometimes just taking a break from toxic people and not having to deal with their crap can improve life a lot.

 

[Crazy4u]

This is a great challenge for you to take. I wish you best of luck. Whatever happens, don't try to ctb just to show them they are serious. Non-suicidal people don't understand how suicidal people think and feel.

You say they don't take you seriously. Do you have a therapist? and do they take you seriously?

I left my family 9 years ago and I avoid contacting them when possible. They don't know anything about my ctb thoughts and plans. If I tell them, I guarantee you, they will burst out laughing. I will be accused of being ungrateful. Many people have it worse than me.

 

[bloodfallsfirst]

I'm impressed by your dedication. Hope others understand your struggles a bit more.

 

[GentleJerk]

Good on you @LoneMisery . Ruling out these things is a good idea at any rate. But this raises an interesting point, sometimes there is no amount of rationality that will make a person accept the decision.

...Someone might see 10 different therapists, try 8 different medications, and spend 5 years trying to get better- and others will still say maybe the 11th therapist, or medication number 9, or one more year will be the magic number that fixes everything.

Then even if you tried 20 therapists, 30 different meds, and 10 years of trying to get better and it still hasn't worked- it would be "oh but you didnt try medication number 31!" maybe next year it will be better, or the 21st therapist will cure you.

At what point does it become a rational, acceptable decision? If this person goes through with suicide, someone will say that there were medications they did not try, extra special therapies they didn't give a chance, or they gave up when they should have kept on fighting.

 

[Natty]

I was a raging alcoholic for years, smoked a pack and a half a day for 17 years, went to rehab, lost everything.

I got sober, I then quit smoking, I then got into a relationship and moved across the globe. I got a new apartment, a new cat, I changed all of the scenery. I want to die more than I ever have before. I've been sober for over 3.5 years at this point. Nicotine-free for almost two.

 

[LoneMisery]

I hate to admit it or maybe i dont but ive became nore clear thinking and the want is real. Its only been a week since ive been sober but i feel more sad and depressed. But also a lot clearer mind and i know what i want now. Im just so sick of pain the last thing I want to feel is excruciating pain before i exit.
Even though its an exit i want it to go peaceful. And also successful.

 

[Oblivion Access]

Yeah I really feel you, I quit stuff hoping it would help but if anything I feel much more desperate to leave this hell behind without substances. I'm sorry your friends and family show so little understanding, and I commend your effort to prove them wrong. May you find solace in whatever you do.

 

[Rabhen]

I hate to admit it or maybe i dont but ive became nore clear thinking and the want is real. Its only been a week since ive been sober but i feel more sad and depressed. But also a lot clearer mind and i know what i want now. Im just so sick of pain the last thing I want to feel is excruciating pain before i exit.
Even though its an exit i want it to go peaceful. And also successful.

Part of the feeling more sad and depressed right now is the detoxing your body is going through and that uptick in those feelings may subside in time, regardless to whether they disappear or not. Give it 30 days and if those feelings still persist after 30 days, then it was not the drugs and booze causing those feelings and after 30 days there is no longer a chance that the detoxing is causing those feelings.

Feel and be who you are. I accept you as you are.