NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[darksouls]

 

[Skallagrim]

SSRIs...

 

[darksouls]

 

[Skallagrim]

My favorite movie review:

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

One day, a woman decides to spice things up with her husband...
So she goes out and buys crotchless underwear.

Her husband comes home and she tells him to "come and get some of this".

The husband walks in, but immediately recoils in shock. "Hell no! It bit a hole in your underwear!"

 

[darksouls]

 

[amerie]

That's so cute wait

 

[darksouls]

 

[amerie]

From Chuck E. Cheese credit card fraud bodycam

 

[amerie]

 

[iamnotadinosaur:(]

View attachment 152513
View attachment 152515

the "oh god why" cracked me up

 

[maniac116]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy...
She approached the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.".

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

THESE ARE ACTUAL LAST WORDS OF "FAMOUS" PEOPLE:
1) "Hey fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French fries.'"
— James French, convicted murderer (before his execution)

2) "What the devil do you mean to sing to me, priest? You are out of tune."
— Jean-Philippe Rameau, composer (as the priest sung hymns at his deathbed)

3) "Good. A woman who can fart is not dead."
— Louise-Marie-Thérèse de Saint Maurice, Comtesse de Vercellis (after letting one rip)

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

 

[amerie]

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

1) I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

2) I was raised as an only child, which I think was hard for my brother.

3) I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday...
He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

 

[darksouls]

 

[DUDale]

I'm going to end my life even if it's the last thing I ever do!

 

[darksouls]

 

[amerie]

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

Three men are working on a building site.

Everyday, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

"By god," the man exclaims, "I hate ham sandwiches. I've been working in construction for twenty years, and everyday, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself."

The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.

"Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Everyday, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I'm with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I'm killing myself."

The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.

"I don't believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I've told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn't have to work on this sordid site no more! I'm sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I'm killing myself."

The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.

The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.

At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.

"If only I'd known how much he didn't like ham sandwiches," says the first man's wife, "I always thought he was being ironic!"

"And if only I'd known how much he didn't like cheese sandwiches," says the second man's wife, "I always thought he was being sarcastic!"

"And if only I'd known how much he didn't like tuna sandwiches," says the third man's wife, "but I don't know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!"

 

[darksouls]

 

[Skallagrim]

 

[maniac116]

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

 

[Skallagrim]