Venting Fucking myself over

[willitpass]

My body continues to compensate for things that I would not expect it to compensate for. So I am now going to do whatever it takes to push myself over the edge. I obviously cannot successfully kill myself, I've tried quite valiantly to do so. So the self harm that somehow has not done anything yet will be taken up 12 notches. Will it kill me? Who knows. I don't fucking care at this point. All I care about is fucking my body over. If nothing else it'll cut some years off my lifespan. I'm 24 hours in with no food, and drinking an excessive amount of energy drinks. That will be my only source of intake from now on. I'll be taking as many naproxen and Tylenol and other pain killers as my body can take without me throwing up. I've already been taking well over the max limit every day, but obviously it hasn't hurt me enough yet, so up we'll go with the dosing. Even though I won't be eating I will continue to take increasing doses of laxatives. I will not stop until I become so incapacitated I cannot function in the slightest. If it kills me that's great. If not then I need to pain and suffering. I crave it. If I end up in the hospital I don't give a shit.

 

[timetodie24]

I'm so sorry for how much you're suffering, it sounds horrific living (or i guess surviving) in this way. I really don't understand how your body withstands so much and how your labs were fine when you're torturing yourself so badly. You're in my thoughts

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Words are hard for me today but I just want to say: I am genuinely truly sorry to hear about your pain and I hope that you'll find the peace of mind that you deserve.

 

[willitpass]

My whole body aches. I'm hungry but not willing to give in. I've got horrible brain fog and just don't feel well. Probably hypoglycemic since I'm over 24 hours no food and only sugar free energy drinks.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

thinking of you. I understand your absolute frustration and devil may care. trying and failing is so fucking traumatic.

 

[willitpass]

I feel drunk and impossibly fatigued. And nauseous from the empty stomach. I'm hoping that when I wake up in the morning I'll be over the initial hump and into ketosis.
This is likely a last hurrah for me with life as I currently know it. With my determination to hurt myself as severely as possible combined with my lack of care of any consequences, this is almost sure to either end with me being dead or hospitalized. Once I wind up in the hospital it's game over for me. I can't live like this. So if I find myself in an ambulance or an ER I'll tell all. No fucking use holding back anymore. My mind is still far too sick to be willing to walk into an ER on my own volition though. I will continue on with this until my body cannot take it anymore.

 

[nir]

I honestly don't even know what to say. I was so shocked to read that your blood tests came back normal. I don't know how your body is managing to hold on so well. If I was superstitious, I'd say there had to be some meaningful reason why you're still here. You should not be alive, and I don't know how your body is alive, let alone medically, physically "okay".

You're in my thoughts, often. I hope there's a good reason why you're still here. That you recover, and the rest of your life is amazing to make up for this. I really hope that's why. This is such a horrible life you're living right now.

 

[undecided]

How can you say "it's game over, for me", when you want it to be 'game over', but can't find a way out?
Confused....

 

[willitpass]

Feeling less shitty this morning so far. Still weak and tired but not as bad. And same with the nausea. Hopefully an energy drink will set me straight.

 

[Darkover]

Non-methods that should not be attempted

mod note: this has been added to the suicide resource compilation at the top. This has been made in response to the ever increasing amount of posts made about highly unlikely methods. Please read before posting about one of these methods or feel free to link if someone does post about them...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[willitpass]

Non-methods that should not be attempted

mod note: this has been added to the suicide resource compilation at the top. This has been made in response to the ever increasing amount of posts made about highly unlikely methods. Please read before posting about one of these methods or feel free to link if someone does post about them...

sanctioned-suicide.net

I made that thread so I'm aware. This isn't a method either. This is severe self harm without any care as to whether or not it kills me or hospitalizes me. I'm not actively intending to kill myself with this, I just am aware that it is possible and I wouldn't be mad if it did. I know the risks of what I'm doing, I work in healthcare. I know how stupid it is. I simply do not care anymore. I no longer have anything to lose. And my eating disorder and self harm are willing to carry this on for a very extended period of time regardless of the damage I may cause.

I didn't end up taking any laxatives last night, and I haven't taken any pain killers since mid day yesterday. The nausea has been too much to want to ingest anything. Not even energy drinks. I think it's starvation/hypoglycemia induced nausea, so I'm just waiting it out. Once my body adjusts to this I will get back to the meds. I'm hoping that will happen at some point today as I am heading towards hour 48.

 

[willitpass]

Still nauseous but otherwise feeling better than before. Bit shaky but not feeling very faint or exhausted.
The nausea comes and goes. I'm hoping by this evening it will have gone enough for me to take laxatives. I haven't taken any pain killers yet either. Just waiting for it to subside more before I do anything that will upset it even more.

 

[willitpass]

49 hours in. Feeling shaky and weak but nothing too bad. Very hungry.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Feeling less shitty this morning so far. Still weak and tired but not as bad. And same with the nausea. Hopefully an energy drink will set me straight.

Still nauseous but otherwise feeling better than before. Bit shaky but not feeling very faint or exhausted.
The nausea comes and goes. I'm hoping by this evening it will have gone enough for me to take laxatives. I haven't taken any pain killers yet either. Just waiting for it to subside more before I do anything that will upset it even more.

49 hours in. Feeling shaky and weak but nothing too bad. Very hungry.

I have always appreciated and will always appreciate your self awareness. Thinking of you, I've been restricting too so I can at least partially understand that. <3

 

[Lady Laudanum]

How can you say "it's game over, for me", when you want it to be 'game over', but can't find a way out?
Confused....

… and why are you challenging someone's mental health struggles? It sounds like you're trying to invalidate them. But why? What are you gaining from trying to prove some sort of point?

Also, why haven't you been banned yet? Jfc.

 

[undecided]

… and why are you challenging someone's mental health struggles? It sounds like you're trying to invalidate them. But why? What are you gaining from trying to prove some sort of point?

Also, why haven't you been banned yet? Jfc.

It was a genuine question! I'm not trying to prove any point! Maybe i worded it wrongly, but I meant no malice by it.

 

[willitpass]

I hate myself.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

It was a genuine question! I'm not trying to prove any point! Maybe i worded it wrongly, but I meant no malice by it.

I somehow doubt that. This is far from the first time you've been questioning them in one of their threads. Hell, you've even called them "a fake" a couple of weeks ago. Just let them be.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

It was a genuine question! I'm not trying to prove any point! Maybe i worded it wrongly, but I meant no malice by it.

Don't backpedal when people call you out for being a dick bro

 

[willitpass]

Ended up in a social situation yesterday afternoon where I had to eat. Of course it triggered a small binge because why the fuck wouldn't it. But I'm won't let it stop me. I'm back on it today. No food, only energy drinks, big laxative overdose this morning to clear out all the food, and had plenty of pain killers today.

 

[willitpass]

I haven't felt hungry today. Maybe it's the amount of pain killers I've taken. But I haven't really been nauseous either. I don't know. I figured eating yesterday would have reset everything and that I was going to be painfully hungry and nauseous today. But it seems to have benefited me in that respect.

 

[willitpass]

Binged again last night despite not even being hungry because my eating disorder seems to be trying to go from anorexia to bulimia. But I will not let this deter me. I will continue trying again and again until I make it. Back to fasting again today. Took laxatives and pain killer to start the morning off. Hopefully third times the charm and I will no longer have anything to eat until I either end up in the hospital or die.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so fucking nauseous today.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Sending you the biggest hug. I know there isn't a ton any of us can say to make things better, but just know that people here care and it's ok to keep things at arms length, I completely understand and don't think a thing of it, negatively. I know you've been suffering a long time plus the trauma of failed attempts. I know what it's like to want to fuck your body up so bad you can't come back from it. These fucking flesh prisons are seemingly more resilient than we think they are. In the grand scheme, it's really not that and death is just the final leap. I hope you can find some kind of relief soon for real, wherever that lies for you. <3

 

[Rudi]

I'm so sorry. Having to live (is it even living?) with that kind of pain is so bad, I get that, I know that feeling. You're in my thoughts, I wish the best for you <3.

 

[willitpass]

Once again attempting to give myself sepsis. This time around I'm only doing it once and if it doesn't work it doesn't work. I don't have a straight cath, but I have a 10fr NG tube I'd snagged from work months back, I forget why. I'm going to get some nasty stuff on it, insert it like a straight cath, and remove it. Nothing may happen, may just get a UTI that self resolves, may end up with such a painful UTI I get treatment, or I may let it go on and see if it becomes systemic. Any pain is pain I deserve, so I don't fucking care what happens.

Done. Just have to see if anything comes of it. Probably nothing, knowing me.

Part two to this: had some extra butterflies and angiocaths from when I was trying to blood let back in the spring but couldn't ever get a vein so I gave up. I couldn't get the vein this time either (I only tried once) because I'm dehydrated and so many of my veins are shot from IVs and blood draws from my chronic health issues, but I don't care too much. I rubbed the needle in very unsanitary things and then tried a vein. I didn't get flash but I know I hit at some point because it bled when I took it out. I have more if I decide to try again later when I'm better hydrated.

 

[willitpass]

Nauseous this evening.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

You're in my thoughts <3 I'm sorry you're feeling nauseous, I can relate completely but I fucking hate that shit. Sending you hugs <3

 

[willitpass]

I'm just sitting in limbo right now. Waiting for my body to not be able to take it anymore, be it in life or in death. My mind already can't take it. I'm already past my breaking point there. I just need my body to catch up. I hope it kills me, all that I'm doing to myself, but my body withstands far too much so I don't believe it will. If it doesn't kill me, my mind will not allow me to get help until my body fails. Part of it is the eating disorder mindset of needing to be "sick enough" to deserve help. Part of it is the trauma from getting help in the past and the very real possibility that this so called help will only hurt me more, so I'm putting it off as long as I possibly can. Part of it is not being ready to let go because I don't know who I am without being sick. I don't know what life is like when I am well. Part of it is knowing that getting help may mean losing everything good in my life. My apartment, my job, school, hell maybe even my cat may be taken from me. With how unwell I am it's even possible my dad may fight for a conservatorship once word comes out. It would not surprise me. Getting help may mean losing everything in my life. So I am not willing to just give it up. Especially when odds are "help" isn't very likely to help me at all. I just know that this cannot carry on much longer.

 

[willitpass]

Thinking right now about how it is likely I'll reach the breaking point within a few weeks or so. Right in time for the holidays. American Thanksgiving is coming up in about a month. And Christmas only follows. I am going to ruin my family holidays yet again. I can't even tell you how many holidays have been spent with me in the hospital or in a state of crisis. I have ruined every single holiday for my family at least once, many have been ruined multiple times by my mental health. Even if I were to walk in to a hospital today on my own volition I would likely be in acute treatment for at least a month with how bad things are. It would be ruined no matter what. No matter how I go about this. I don't want to ruin things for them again. But I don't know how to stop. I am out of control.