Fuck this site for giving me hope

[Forgiveme]

so you want to CTB because you're single... love yourself and all of those "imperfections". People won't give you the answer you're looking for... YOU will. And fucking someone won't change that for long.

I think it's more naturally to fuck with someone than beating a meat all the time. And yeah i found my answer. It's that we have all these desires and needs. I'm hungry, thirsty, horny, i want that, i want what he has, what she has... and who creates these needs? Nature does. We have no fucking choice. And yes my reason to ctb is partly also becouse of a girl i truly loved. She was like perfectly fitting to me, but i could taste how fake all these things truly are..

 

[BeeLoyal]

Seriously guys. I thought this was a pro-choice site. Why is everyone giving me "hope" that my situation will change?

First of all, I went to this site because I love someone who is a good friend to me but doesn't love me the way I want him to. I wanted to be okay with the idea of CTB even if everyone says it's not. I wanted to BE SURE that CTB is the best solution for me. And now that I'm here, some people have been giving me so-called "hope". Then several weeks after, I recovered. THEN, I AM HERE AGAIN, because I broke my recovery streak for God knows what reason. As long as this person doesn't love me I WILL CONTINUE TO RELAPSE over and over again and there's nothing I can do about it. It just occured to me that no matter how much I talk about it, things can never change because of that FUCKING PERSON. Therefore, I have an issue that cannot be resolved, and the only solution within my control is taking my own life.

I am NOT too young to CTB, quit finding love, or any shit like that. I'm someone who is legit suffering because of love. People say thar my problem is fixable BUT IT IS NOT! Look what fucking happened, COVID19! I can't go to school and meet new people! And I'm only 19 years old who's officially a sophomore now. See, one fucking year lost due to this pandemic. Who knows how long this will last?

I don't care about what I have already. I repeat: I. DON'T. CARE. I don't care how much help is available, if that help isn't going to change me then I wouldn't bother. None of my friends can help me. Even CTB is difficult because I have nowhere to jump.

So yeah, I'm done trying to improve my situation, because there is nothing I can do that works. No one, and I mean NO ONE can truly stop me from CTB. There's hope, but it's only temporary. It only makes me believe that I can do better when I can't. 2020 is really a shit year guys. I won't expect anything to get better. Not everyone is meant to be happy. I'm not meant to have a partner or a best friend yet I want one. So, I'm going to take my own life because of it. Why the hell isn't this a good enough reason to CTB?

Hey I know what you are feeling since I am going through something similar. I feel like I am being held hostage by my feelings of love. I am at the same point, and even tough everyone tells me there are other women/people on the earth etc. etc. I still can't cope with all this shit not just being hurt through love all the other stuff I am going through. I know what would be right, to let go of this person, but I can't. You know a good song about this is Snuff by Slipknot. I will be 19 in August btw...

If you want to have somebody to chat with, pm me.

Peace to everyone :"')

 

[Deleted member 1465]

You can't blame this site or the people on here for offering hope... it's prochoice not prodeath. If you choose to ctb, that's your choice. All people can offer you are words of sentiment and care.
I hope you can find peace in life or death.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

@BabyYoda It's your choice and no one on here can stop you or is likely to encourage you either. But people will still wish you well, whatever you decide to do.

 

[Niemals]

I'm planning to CTB as well, and I'm 19 as well, the only reason I'm going on at this point is I am an assistant manager in my workplace department and don't want to let my coworkers down, my health is deteriorating though and its just making me feel more like a burden. Sadly not all of us can find friendship or love, and despite us young people having "our whole lives ahead of us" it doesn't always seem like that life is going to be worth living. I hope you can find peace either in this life or in death.

 

[TimeLawyer]

When I read a lot of the responses on this site, there seems to be a lot of "it gets better" in a whole lot of different forms/wordings, and I don't want to invalidate the feelings of those for whom things did get better or at least more bearable, but when that's nearly all you see it feels like anyone who doesn't want to try anymore or has tried many different options and is just plain tired of life would somehow be wrong to give up or ctb. Recovery/fixing ones life, in my view shouldn't be an obligation. I don't know what else people could say to be of encouragement, but please, please don't guilt people into recovery. If it's going to last, it needs to be people's choice. Why should suicide be a right if it is morally wrong for young adults to exercise it? I respect people's freedom of speech, and yes, this is the internet, just ignore it if it bothers you somehow, but I hope people can have true freedom of choice in recovery or ctb. Like pro choice abortion activists say, my life, my body, my brain, my choice.

 

[SerialFailer]

When I read a lot of the responses on this site, there seems to be a lot of "it gets better" in a whole lot of different forms/wordings, and I don't want to invalidate the feelings of those for whom things did get better or at least more bearable, but when that's nearly all you see it feels like anyone who doesn't want to try anymore or has tried many different options and is just plain tired of life would somehow be wrong to give up or ctb. Recovery/fixing ones life, in my view shouldn't be an obligation. I don't know what else people could say to be of encouragement, but please, please don't guilt people into recovery. If it's going to last, it needs to be people's choice. Why should suicide be a right if it is morally wrong for young adults to exercise it? I respect people's freedom of speech, and yes, this is the internet, just ignore it if it bothers you somehow, but I hope people can have true freedom of choice in recovery or ctb. Like pro choice abortion activists say, my life, my body, my brain, my choice.

If everyone actively starts encouraging CTB when people are QUESTIONING (not decided) whether they should then this site wouldn't last long.
Plus, as people said here, it's pro-choice and not pro-suicide.

And I do agree people should give a try (or many) at life. It's common for even happy people to feel sad/awful now and then, but they usually rebound and feel neutral or good most of the time. It would make no sense to intentionally quit life if it's mostly good, I think.

Should that not be the case and everything else fail, there's always the other choice, the one most people stay here for.

 

[RestingGirl23]

I'm pretty much repeating what everyone else has said: This is a pro-CHOICE forum not a pro-SUICIDE forum. No one here is going to tell you to off yourself. This forum is for sharing pains and offering different views on suicide. We simply want people to be informed before they take a decision.If you don't want our opinions then don't login and make threads on YOUR situation. There's plenty of CTB how to's threads if you choose to go that route. Peace

 

[muffin222]

I understand your frustrations, but we're not here to encourage you to commit suicide. That's illegal and, in my opinion, immoral as well. You have free will to make whatever choice you wish to make at the end of the day, though. It's your life


Personally, when I see people wanting to ctb over another person, I do feel an urge to try to offer them hope. Putting your hopes and your life- your only life- in the hands of another person is a dangerous game to play. I- again, personally- don't feel that a person should end their entire life over that. That's not love- it's codependency, and even if the relationship does come to be, it won't exist on healthy footing because of the codependent nature of it.

It's not healthy love to place the power of your entire existence on someone else's validation.


I do feel someone in that situation would likely benefit from seeking help, or, at the very least, holding off on ctb until some of the intense emotions subside.
And, if you were to do one of the above (seek help or wait), in time you would very likely find that you see this person and the connection differently. That's why people are trying to offer you hope. Your situation IS fixable (at least, in regards to the one sided love).

That being said, you're an adult, and at the end of the day, you can choose to bypass all of our advice and do whatever you feel is best for your situation

 

[Idledays]

Pro choice means people will also let you know of other choices... Ones that you don't necessarily want to take, or won't work for you. That's the beauty of this site. To hear lots of people talk open and honestly. We're not all going to agree.

It sounds like you want encouragement. You'll find a lot of support here. But not necessarily encouragement. Not least like many have pointed out due to the legal implications, but also because its nobody else's decision but yours. No one should encourage you to take your life. Only you should be able to decide that. And it's only fair that people talk about alternatives too. You don't have to take those alternative options. But for some it will help. Not for everyone. But for some.

Its not to stop you.
It's to provide balance for when you're unable to see the other side.

You're not wrong for wanting to die.
And No one is wrong from telling you the alternatives.

<3

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Deleted.

 

[Tintypographer]

Baby Yoda:

It's completely fine for you to be upset and not want platitudes of hope whether that hope is for the best outcome or for a peaceful ending. Nearly everyone on this site is touched by depression and all that it encompasses. Most of us reject the idea that cognitive therapy advocates which is "just reframe your perspective and see life as rainbows and lollypops with unicorns thrown in and life will be better".

But anyone who has empathy, hopes that the decision a person has to make evaluating the paths on this site is a decision made from a place of rational calm and having thought through their alternatives.

I think the questions are genuinely coming from people who understand the type of situation (not the specific circumstances but similar) you face and they express what they know and think.

Mostly I hope everyone here finds peace wherever their lives or trips take them.

 

[TimeLawyer]

If everyone actively starts encouraging CTB when people are QUESTIONING (not decided) whether they should then this site wouldn't last long.
Plus, as people said here, it's pro-choice and not pro-suicide.

And I do agree people should give a try (or many) at life. It's common for even happy people to feel sad/awful now and then, but they usually rebound and feel neutral or good most of the time. It would make no sense to intentionally quit life if it's mostly good, I think.

Should that not be the case and everything else fail, there's always the other choice, the one most people stay here for.

I did not mean to suggest people should directly encourage people to ctb, not am I saying it would be objectively wrong to suggest recovery/ various options for fixing a given situation/problem. I believe in free speech and do not personally have a problem with people suggesting that or leaning more away from suicide as a choice for people's lives. I recognise that people have different viewpoints on this forum and was not intending to call anybody wrong for believing or saying what they do. For some on here, recovery not ctb is the only moral option, and I respect that. My intention was just to say that I'm here too, and I may be a bit of an outlier in the pro choice movement as yes, I do lean more towards viewing ctb as a free choice that anyone should be able to make, free of obligations and "have to's" as a prerequisite for being allowed to choose euthanasia for oneself. But that is just me. Sometimes people on here do take an authoritative tone in saying to people what is helpful or right, and I must admit it sometimes feels a bit to me like gatekeeping, but again that is just me and some people might actually be looking for firm guidance/tough love. Some might not be, or maybe they are looking for validation instead, and I guess it can feel a bit unhelpful to that person because it is not what they feel they need. Again, no disrespect, like I said not trying to police anyone's opinions,just putting my 2 cents in.

 

[Suez]

Hi baby Yoda.

I could have written your post word for word. I am 40. I never had the experince of anyone that I liked liking me back. Some of us are just cursed by a myriad of circumstances. It's been the same ol same since I was your age, so I am proof that things sometimes dont get better. But that being said, I don't think you will find a "pro-suicide" website, cause they will get banned and taken down and this site is always under threat, BUT, I am sure you will find INDIVIDUALS on here who you can PM with and could give you the kind of support you are looking for. I only support what someone said they wanted to do as far as CTB. So, I dont try and talk them our of it, and depending on thier mood regarding the issue I will celebrate with them. Each person has thier own take on CTB, for themselves and others and if you are looking for support of your choice, and do not want any suggestions of anything else, those people are on here. Im one of them. Im planning on leaving this weekend hopefully, trust me I understand. I hope that you find the relief you seek in a way you are at peace with within yourself.

Hey i just happened to notice you here, i saw your post a few days ago, you said goodbye to everyone and said you had just put the bag on your head. Everyone thought you had gone. Hey i hope you dont mind but i had a question for you I was hoping you could answer for me. You were using the Helium Exit bag. Do you mind me asking how difficult it was for you to get the Helium Cylinder? Good to see you changed your mind, I dont think many people knew, I know there are several people who will be pleased to know.

 

[Nuclear Gandhi]

Hey i just happened to notice you here, i saw your post a few days ago, you said goodbye to everyone and said you had just put the bag on your head. Everyone thought you had gone. Hey i hope you dont mind but i had a question for you I was hoping you could answer for me. You were using the Helium Exit bag. Do you mind me asking how difficult it was for you to get the Helium Cylinder? Good to see you changed your mind, I dont think many people knew, I know there are several people who will be pleased to know.

Hey, I don't want to disappoint you, but check the date. That reply was posted before her goodbye thread. I believe she is in the better place now. Maybe someone else could answer your question? Unfortunately, I am not qualified.

 

[rhiino]

Things might get better or they might not, I also do not like those bromides that tell you "it will get better", "things will change" etc. Sometimes things just do not change.
People around me, pro-lifers, also try to convince me to keep trying all the time – I hate it, as I keep suffering while I keep trying. So why keep trying, when I can just quit suffering?

 

[bornfree]

You're going to hate me for this

Imagine you had a guy friend that you enjoyed having as a friend but you were not romantically attracted to them, but they were so in love with you, so desperate they wanted to ctb unless you loved them back in the same manner? Would you love them just to keep them from ctb?

I think you are just looking at the reason to die not the full picture of the pain. The reason to die is i believe often the tip of the iceberg. Countless other harms and other failures to care happen underneath the tip of the iceberg you can see. Also as others have said it is the pain more than the reason for the pain that is vital to comprehend just how awful the feeling of love and love lost and unrequited love is

I imaginey situation something akin to a workout plan.
Let's say that for the next week you do 10 pushups a day. At the end of the week you try 11 and succed.
One day, however, you injure your shoulder and can't do 10 pushups a day, you can barely do 1.
It sucks. You wait till your shoulder heals and are back to 6 pushups a day because your shoulder hurts like a motherfucker.
This is how I imagine relapse is.
I'd kill myself in trying to get back to at least 10 per day again.
Of course, this is a physical, not mental situation. In some ways I think relapse is good, it reminds you that life is shit, but it also reminds you that
1) you can improve yourself.
2) you CAN improve yourself.
I mean, yeah, I sound like a cringey motivational speaker, my point is that no matter what you do, at some point you will fuck up SOMEHOW.
It happens and... It's not entirely bad.

I'm sorry you feel this way, it's your choice after all, and I respect that.
Bojack horseman is full of iam14andthisisdeep, but every so often it does show a glint of truth. It doesn't get easy, but it gets easier.

perhaps you could have the analogy of a jug of pain. We all have this. It fills and it empties as we live but for suicidal individuals the jug is full already and overflowing with pain and other suicidal feelings and suicidal thoughts. When the jug overflows this is what being suicidal is. There's still the ebb and flow of pain as we suicidal individuals live but our jug just keeps on overflowing. It shouldn't get to the point where the jug is full to the brim and it shouldn't keep on overflowing.

Hell do I care about finding someone else? Every bit of hope has been turned to ashes. There's practically no one who is interested in me, and it's going to be much harder with this lockdown where we can't see each other at school. I am sick, sick, SICK of waiting for this "person". If I received love then I wouldn't be suicidal in the first place. I'm already at my rock bottom already. The fact that no one cares about me makes CTB much easier, because I don't have to worry about people missing me. Guess I should ignore this thread.

if you are like me you are going to have a hard life. When i was 21 i fell in love for the first time and in felt amazing but this didn't last and when we broke up i suffered so badly. I saw a counsellor after my first (bad) suicide attempt and she dismissed what i was going through and told me to pull myself together. She did not know the pain. I did get over the pain and stopped feeling suicidal but i suffered so much then because no one has empathy for me. They don't understand me or my needs and i am rubbish at fulfilling my needs. For other reasons than a broken heart i became suicidal again. From the age of 25 to now when I'm in my early forties i estimate 75% of the days I've felt suicidal. I was 30 when i felt that beautiful feeling of being in love again but again i lost the love and i suffered for years more suicidal feelings as well as for other reasons. The human race are utterly merciless and devoid of any empathy to stop me feeling suicidal.

I have had the experiences that feeling suicidal can get better but it can also get worse and it can happen again and it can go on for so long. I did manage to have one relationship with requited love for a few years and looking back i feel sorry for her for having to put up with me.

The tragedies of my existence are so much worse because i have failed to kill myself. I wish i could kill myself today. I know the crime is not helping me die and i am doing what i can to fight for the legalisation of assisted suicide but the human race are devoid of mercy or empathy so i still need to die.

I recognise just one trait we have in common and that's the pain of love and being able to feel love with profoundly strong feelings. You are looking to find someone else to love from what you say but you can't do it now if i understand you correctly. You might want to consider giving up on this objective because you will always be at risk of becoming suicidal again because of other people. I can't love or live in safety and i just want to die. I can't have friends or lovers because they will always betray me and my humanity. Much as i and the gods play a part in my suicidality i have found the greatest threat is other people.

The hard truth is that you will probably get over your broken heart eventually at some point but your heart will always be at risk. At the same time i hear you want to find someone else and that's sort of an alternative for you to dying. Being in love and being in a relationship with requited love is important to you but your heart will always be at risk. I don't have any solution for you I'm afraid but don't let them do what they do to me to you.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Every time this thread shows up on the feed, I feel such discomfort.

I'm surprised the mods didn't delete it or lock it.

First, the title is an attack on the community, so of course folks are going to likely feel instantly defensive.

But defensive against what? The title was about giving the OP hope, but the original post was, frankly, a disorganized mess. It's like gaslighting -- it doesn't make sense, and it's crazy-making to try to make sense of it.

Yet folks have tried to make sense of it by relating it to conversations in the OP's last threads. Like the onus is on us to make sense of the senseless, soothe the OP, get her to understand, or convince her she was in error with this thread, even if it's not quite clear exactly what the error/s was/were.

I have compassion that we all have our steaming hot turds that we don't know how to effectively deal with and so need support for that, sometimes even need to lay them down for a while. But the OP lost her, ahem, shit, and threw her steaming hot turds at the whole forum. At me.

I'm tired of seeing this thread title come up; I feel attacked every time, and while I'm responsible for my feelings, I am not responsible that the OP went on the attack, and it was indeed an attack. I don't hate the OP, but I hate the turds, and why shouldn't I hate steaming hot turds? I've been trying to leave the turds here, I already hit ignore on the thread, and I repeatedly try to move on from it, but it still shows up in the forum list whenever it gets a new comment, so I can't completely escape what I took personal responsibility to make the effort to ignore. Therefore I ask...

@Hasssssuùuu, would you consider deleting or locking this hot steaming turd, I mean, thread? I know it's not a hot steaming turd, Iand I know I'm only revealing that it's my problem by calling it that, but it was incendiary, and that's addressed in the rules, so I feel supported in my request that it no longer be able to inflame.

 

[Secrets1]

Hi BabyYoda,
No shame in the cause, this can feel like cancer of the mind that's spread throughout body. I've been exactly where you are before, at that age and older.

People are generally right when they say things better over time, especially with relationships. Suffering's a bitch but considering how low you are now there aren't many other options. Despite all the moments of passion I know a total of 1 couple who is still together since I was that age 15 years ago. Many who made it to marriage in their early 20's are already divorced because they got attached before fully developing themselves.

What posters leave out of their support (and why many "older members" talk about long-standing suicidal ideation) is that for people with our baseline disposition things often get worse again. Life is a roller coaster, looking back so far I'd say it's all about deciding if the valleys are worth grinding through to experience the peaks. And we're each on our own unique rollercoaster.

 

[muffin222]

.

Things might get better or they might not, I also do not like those bromides that tell you "it will get better", "things will change" etc. Sometimes things just do not change.
People around me, pro-lifers, also try to convince me to keep trying all the time – I hate it, as I keep suffering while I keep trying. So why keep trying, when I can just quit suffering?

Honestly, things can always change to some degree in some way, however small, regardless of a person's situation. Change is the only constant in life. It's just a matter of whether those changes are enough to motivate a person to maintain hope. That's a personal decision that an individual has to make for themselves. Things do always change, though. For better or for worse, to a tiny degree or to a large degree.

 

[Blue Portal]

Seriously guys. I thought this was a pro-choice site. Why is everyone giving me "hope" that my situation will change?

First of all, I went to this site because I love someone who is a good friend to me but doesn't love me the way I want him to. I wanted to be okay with the idea of CTB even if everyone says it's not. I wanted to BE SURE that CTB is the best solution for me. And now that I'm here, some people have been giving me so-called "hope". Then several weeks after, I recovered. THEN, I AM HERE AGAIN, because I broke my recovery streak for God knows what reason. As long as this person doesn't love me I WILL CONTINUE TO RELAPSE over and over again and there's nothing I can do about it. It just occured to me that no matter how much I talk about it, things can never change because of that FUCKING PERSON. Therefore, I have an issue that cannot be resolved, and the only solution within my control is taking my own life.

I am NOT too young to CTB, quit finding love, or any shit like that. I'm someone who is legit suffering because of love. People say thar my problem is fixable BUT IT IS NOT! Look what fucking happened, COVID19! I can't go to school and meet new people! And I'm only 19 years old who's officially a sophomore now. See, one fucking year lost due to this pandemic. Who knows how long this will last?

I don't care about what I have already. I repeat: I. DON'T. CARE. I don't care how much help is available, if that help isn't going to change me then I wouldn't bother. None of my friends can help me. Even CTB is difficult because I have nowhere to jump.

So yeah, I'm done trying to improve my situation, because there is nothing I can do that works. No one, and I mean NO ONE can truly stop me from CTB. There's hope, but it's only temporary. It only makes me believe that I can do better when I can't. 2020 is really a shit year guys. I won't expect anything to get better. Not everyone is meant to be happy. I'm not meant to have a partner or a best friend yet I want one. So, I'm going to take my own life because of it. Why the hell isn't this a good enough reason to CTB?

At your age you have hope to grow out of it, like a phase. At the end of the day it's your decision.