Friend killed herself.

[Amor]

My friend killed herself two weeks ago. I was on the phone with her, texting, while she waited. She took an overdose of amitriptyline (9 grams) and propranolol (8 grams). I don't think she felt any pain, she just said she felt sleepy. She threw up a little on the side of the bed and didn't get up, said she wanted to be lying down in case she had seizures. She was found at 8/9 a.m. of the next day and took it at 12 a.m.

I feel guilty. I was the one who told her about that method. It's my method of choice too, but I'm waiting until the end of the month to get paid to buy more. I have more propranolol than her, but only 7 grams of amitriptyline. This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't told her. I basically handed her the weapon. Her family is angry at me, because I was the last to speak to her. I'm sure they think I had something to do with it. I miss her, I feel guilty and at the same time angry and jealous.

At least I know it works? But why don't I feel relieved?

 

[FuneralCry]

If someone was really desperate to ctb they would have found a way no matter what to leave this world. You hear of all these people in the media managing to ctb with such limited resources, methods like hanging and jumping. You shouldn't feel guilty. Your friend chose to ctb and if someone ctb with a method like that at least they didn't die a really horrible death like the train method.
At least all those gone cannot suffer anymore. Rest in peace.

 

[emgrl]

I'm so sorry, I know how hard it must be for you right now. Just remember, it's always our own choice to do what we do. Please don't feel guilty about what happened, she wouldn't want it that way.

It sounds like she went peacefully, which is all we want for our way out. Maybe try to find solace in that?

This is my method as well, not the amitriptyline, but the propranolol.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you. You're not alone ♡

 

[Lullaby]

At least I know it works? But why don't I feel relieved?

This was your friend. There are strangers on here who's passing on have made me sad, and this was someone you knew.

It's okay to feel the emotions you're dealing with and grieve. Even if we know how they're feeling and what they're going through, we can still feel sad about it.

 

[Amor]

If someone was really desperate to ctb they would have found a way no matter what to leave this world. You hear of all these people in the media managing to ctb with such limited resources, methods like hanging and jumping. You shouldn't feel guilty. Your friend chose to ctb and if someone ctb with a method like that at least they didn't die a really horrible death like the train method.
At least all those gone cannot suffer anymore. Rest in peace.

She had told me that if I hadn't told her about this method she would have had to stay here suffering because she really didn't want to go in pain. We had talked about doing it together, but she obviously was in too much pain to wait for me. I feel so guilty and conflicted.

I'm so sorry, I know how hard it must be for you right now. Just remember, it's always our own choice to do what we do. Please don't feel guilty about what happened, she wouldn't want it that way.

It sounds like she went peacefully, which is all we want for our way out. Maybe try to find solace in that?

This is my method as well, not the amitriptyline, but the propranolol.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you. You're not alone ♡

She didn't mention any pain, just sleepiness and "heavy". I do feel glad she wasn't in pain, apart from failing her fear was that it would be painful. But I also feel too guilty and I can't even think. I feel like I handed her the weapon and just stared while she used it to end her life. May I ask how much propranolol you're going to use? I know it can work on its own if you have enough of it. And it shouldn't be painful. I don't know... I feel guilty being here too, talking about this.

This was your friend. There are strangers on here who's passing on have made me sad, and this was someone you knew.

It's okay to feel the emotions you're dealing with and grieve. Even if we know how they're feeling and what they're going through, we can still feel sad about it.

I feel so many conflicting emotions I can't even really think clearly. I do know better than anyone that she was in so much emotional pain, and that it's over now, but the guilt and shame I feel are stronger.

 

[ever so lonely]

i feel your pain man i really do and hope you find peace and contentment somehow, i had a female friend kill herself last year i would try not long after by paracetamol overdose,after being discharged from hospital my feelings to cbt havnt gone away, i feel for you man, in my particular case it didnt help that many years ago we were intimate and i developed strong feelings for her, i heard through a mutual friend she killed herself by drug overdose, i miss her everyday, and it certainly puts things into perspective, how nothing should be taken for granted, i am sorry friend , i hope you find it within yourself to accept your loss, this life be so messed up man, my friend was just 29 when she opted out, i have never gotten over it, and just makes me realise how fragile we truly are, peace love and blessings to you

 

[emgrl]

She didn't mention any pain, just sleepiness and "heavy". I do feel glad she wasn't in pain, apart from failing her fear was that it would be painful. But I also feel too guilty and I can't even think. I feel like I handed her the weapon and just stared while she used it to end her life. May I ask how much propranolol you're going to use? I know it can work on its own if you have enough of it. And it shouldn't be painful. I don't know... I feel guilty being here too, talking about this.

Yes, that's my biggest fear, too… failing. I know you feel guilty, but she would have found a way, regardless of what she said.
I have over 14 grams of propranolol, I also have klonopin, and meto. I have other meds too, like antidepressants/antipsychotics, and m30s. How much do you have?
You shouldn't feel guilty, this is still going on for you, too. It's real. The pain we all feel, though it may be different and come from different places, it's all real. So, you wanting to discuss it is ok ♡

 

[Amor]

Yes, that's my biggest fear, too… failing. I know you feel guilty, but she would have found a way, regardless of what she said.
I have over 14 grams of propranolol, I also have klonopin, and meto. I have other meds too, like antidepressants/antipsychotics, and m30s. How much do you have?
You shouldn't feel guilty, this is still going on for you, too. It's real. The pain we all feel, though it may be different and come from different places, it's all real. So, you wanting to discuss it is ok ♡

I have 24 grams exactly. And 7 grams of amitriptyline. And the metoclopramide, one box. And the only reason I can get it easily it's because neither are controlled substances where we're from. It's more difficult to get the amitriptyline because it's scarce, but it's still possible to get it, and cheap. I know it worked for her and maybe it's the guilt and feeling that I deserve to suffer but I'm scared it won't work for me. She deserved to rest, I don't. Do you have metoclopramide? Are you planning to take everything you have?

 

[emgrl]

I have 24 grams exactly. And 7 grams of amitriptyline. And the metoclopramide, one box. And the only reason I can get it easily it's because neither are controlled substances where we're from. It's more difficult to get the amitriptyline because it's scarce, but it's still possible to get it, and cheap. I know it worked for her and maybe it's the guilt and feeling that I deserve to suffer but I'm scared it won't work for me. She deserved to rest, I don't. Do you have metoclopramide? Are you planning to take everything you have?

Oh wow! That's a lot, I want more, but mine is by prescription only, so I'm grateful I've gotten this much. Do you think what I have is enough? No way for me to get the amitriptyline, though.
I do have meto, and I don't think I'm taking all I have. I got the m30s, and am going to test them for fentanyl. That would be its own method altogether.
My method is just the meto, propranolol, and klonopin. I'm just really hoping I don't fail when I decide to go… I can't fail.
I've done so much research on propranolol ODs, I know it's possible, and escalates very quickly without medical intervention. It also seems relatively peaceful, articles show patients being lucid, then completely out of it within minutes.
Please don't say that you don't deserve peace as well. You do. We all do ♡

 

[Amor]

Oh wow! That's a lot, I want more, but mine is by prescription only, so I'm grateful I've gotten this much. Do you think what I have is enough? No way for me to get the amitriptyline, though.
I do have meto, and I don't think I'm taking all I have. I got the m30s, and am going to test them for fentanyl. That would be its own method altogether.
My method is just the meto, propranolol, and klonopin. I'm just really hoping I don't fail when I decide to go… I can't fail.
I've done so much research on propranolol ODs, I know it's possible, and escalates very quickly without medical intervention. It also seems relatively peaceful, articles show patients being lucid, than completely out of it within minutes.
Please don't say that you don't deserve peace as well. You do. We all do ♡

Yes, it is a lot of pills. I'm going to do it like she did, she crushed them because it's so many pills it'd be physically too difficult to swallow them all. I don't think I'll use all my metoclopramide either, what I read recommended 40 mg, and she took that dose too. She still threw up, but it obviously worked anyway.

I've read a lot about overdoses on these two drugs too. So far, the biggest dose I've read about that's been survived was 13 grams? But it also depends on how fast/late you're found and if you get the right medical attention, no? None of the reports I read mentioned pain, it's just like you said, they suddenly lose consciousness. I know it was like that for her too.

 

[emgrl]

Yes, it is a lot of pills. I'm going to do it like she did, she crushed them because it's so many pills it'd be physically too difficult to swallow them all. I don't think I'll use all my metoclopramide either, what I read recommended 40 mg, and she took that dose too. She still threw up, but it obviously worked anyway.

I've read a lot about overdoses on these two drugs too. So far, the biggest dose I've read about that's been survived was 13 grams? But it also depends on how fast/late you're found and if you get the right medical attention, no? None of the reports I read mentioned pain, it's just like you said, they suddenly lose consciousness. I know it was like that for her too.

Yes, I'm going to crush them and mix them with the least amount of water needed. I'm still on the fence about taking metoclopramide, if I do, it will probably just be 20mg.

I believe so, like most ODs, if you're not found to get any medical treatment, you should be successful. The articles I've read all have described it as:

-Person called for help/got caught help called
-Able to speak to paramedics/doctors give medical history/info
-in the middle of giving info, they pass out and deteriorate very quickly.

If no medical intervention is given, there's really no way to survive it.

 

[KQuotientW]

I am truly sorry for your loss

However, once someone has made up their mind to do this, they've made up their mind. The choice is theirs.

 

[Amor]

Yes, I'm going to crush them and mix them with the least amount of water needed. I'm still on the fence about taking metoclopramide, if I do, it will probably just be 20mg.

I believe so, like most ODs, if you're not found to get any medical treatment, you should be successful. The articles I've read all have described it as:

-Person called for help/got caught help called
-Able to speak to paramedics/doctors give medical history/info
-in the middle of giving info, they pass out and deteriorate very quickly.

If no medical intervention is given, there's really no way to survive it.

Why don't you want to take the metoclopramide? I read about the side effects but it's still the most reliable one, I think. Even so, people who have used it have vomited anyway. I guess I'd just rather use it since aí have it and to minimize nausea and vomiting as much as possible.

Yes, this is why I won't leave anything behind. No boxes or notes or anything. The least they know, the least they can do to try and bring us back, no?

 

[emgrl]

Why don't you want to take the metoclopramide? I read about the side effects but it's still the most reliable one, I think. Even so, people who have used it have vomited anyway. I guess I'd just rather use it since aí have it and to minimize nausea and vomiting as much as possible.

Yes, this is why I won't leave anything behind. No boxes or notes or anything. The least they know, the least they can do to try and bring us back, no?

Just more to make me sick after I fast I guess, I have a whole box of meto, so I can take the 40mg. I'm sure I'll vomit a bit, that's to be expected I think, but it has to be mind over matter too.

Exactly, I will dispose of everything so no one will know what was ingested. It's very difficult to bring someone back from a prop OD without knowing what kind of OD it is.

 

[Amor]

Just more to make me sick after I fast I guess, I have a whole box of meto, so I can take the 40mg. I'm sure I'll vomit a bit, that's to be expected I think, but it has to be mind over matter too.

Exactly, I will dispose of everything so no one will know what was ingested. It's very difficult to bring someone back from a prop OD without knowing what kind of OD it is.

My friend hadn't eaten anything for 2 days. I'll do the same. Yes, I've already accepted that vomiting is definitely going to happen no matter what. I guess we just hope it will work anyway.

May I ask when you're planning to do it? I can't seem to PM you, I'm sorry to ask on here.

 

[emgrl]

My friend hadn't eaten anything for 2 days. I'll do the same. Yes, I've already accepted that vomiting is definitely going to happen no matter what. I guess we just hope it will work anyway.

May I ask when you're planning to do it? I can't seem to PM you, I'm sorry to ask on here.

Ok, 2 days of fasting, good to know…

You don't have enough posts yet (I believe it's 10 posts), and you're less than 24 hours on here.

We can chat in DM when you're able to about specifics

 

[theboy]

don't feel guilty. You only gave her the information she needed. It was her responsibility to make the decision whether or not to do so.

 

[Amor]

Ok, 2 days of fasting, good to know…

You don't have enough posts yet (I believe it's 10 posts), and you're less than 24 hours on here.

We can chat in DM when you're able to about specifics

I know the chances of an overdose killing you depends on your physiology and other things, but I will do it like she did just in case. Some people die with as little as 2 grams of amitriptyline or 5 grams of propranolol, but I wouldn't feel okay doing it with so little... As it is even though I have more of one drug that she did I'm still scared.

Have you thought about back up plans just in case? I don't want to even think about failing, but I need to be thorough.

don't feel guilty. You only gave her the information she needed. It was her responsibility to make the decision whether or not to do so.

It's hard. I gave her the information she needed to end her life and if I hadn't she wouldn't have done it in any other way, because she always told me she was scared of pain. But that also means she would have stayed here suffering forever, and I wouldn't have wanted that either. I just feel so evil.

 

[emgrl]

I know the chances of an overdose killing you depends on your physiology and other things, but I will do it like she did just in case. Some people die with as little as 2 grams of amitriptyline or 5 grams of propranolol, but I wouldn't feel okay doing it with so little... As it is even though I have more of one drug that she did I'm still scared.

Have you thought about back up plans just in case? I don't want to even think about failing, but I need to be thorough.

Exactly, that's why I'd like even more propranolol, too risky with not enough "poison". I'm scared, too. No one wants to fail. The good news is, though… if medical intervention happens, there's usually a full recovery, no lasting damage.

I do have back up plans. If the m30s have fentanyl, I will use all of them and hope there are enough hot spots of fent to work. I also have SN.

Of course I'd prefer my first method work. I'm prescribed all of those meds, so it could look like an accident… my hope is that it makes things a bit easier for my family.

I feel like I have a small pharmacy… and still unsure if any of it will work. It's all so hard.

 

[Amor]

Exactly, that's why I'd like even more propranolol, too risky with not enough "poison". I'm scared, too. No one wants to fail. The good news is, though… if medical intervention happens, there's usually a full recovery, no lasting damage.

I do have back up plans. If the m30s have fentanyl, I will use all of them and hope there are enough hot spots of fent to work. I also have SN.

Of course I'd prefer my first method work. I'm prescribed all of those meds, so it could look like an accident… my hope is that it makes things a bit easier for my family.

I feel like I have a small pharmacy… and still unsure if any of it will work. It's all so hard.

How come SN isn't your first method? I have a reliable source but no money, if I had it I would definitely go for this instead.

I feel like that too, like I have the tools but no way to use them, unsure that it will work, scared, etc.

 

[emgrl]

How come SN isn't your first method? I have a reliable source but no money, if I had it I would definitely go for this instead.

I feel like that too, like I have the tools but no way to use them, unsure that it will work, scared, etc.

I guess because I know that propranolol can also be a reliable method. It also doesn't taste as bad as SN. And, it is prescribed to me, so it could look like an accidental OD to those who choose to believe that after I'm gone.
Plus SN doesn't sound as peaceful as propranolol, and I really don't want to turn blue

 

[Amor]

I guess because I know that propranolol can also be a reliable method. It also doesn't taste as bad as SN. And, it is prescribed to me, so it could look like an accidental OD to those who choose to believe that after I'm gone.
Plus SN doesn't sound as peaceful as propranolol, and I really don't want to turn blue

I think more people have failed/been saved from a propranolol overdose than a SN poisoning, no? I think SN would be perfect, though from what I read it's a little distressing, but apparently there's no pain either?

I don't really care what happens to my body or how painful it gets in the moment as long as it works and I don't survive.

Are you worried about the taste? I know it's extremely bitter, she mentioned this too and she put them in some sweet juice. I think I didn't mention this before. I have a huge headache right now. I don't think we can be completely sure no matter what we do. I read a report about a woman who had a massive overdose of metformin and other drugs that amounted to 126 grams or something like that, definitely over 120 grams, and she was saved. She didn't use the ones we're going to use, but isn't that terrifying? She didn't even lose consciousness.

 

[emgrl]

I think more people have failed/been saved from a propranolol overdose than a SN poisoning, no? I think SN would be perfect, though from what I read it's a little distressing, but apparently there's no pain either?

I don't really care what happens to my body or how painful it gets in the moment as long as it works and I don't survive.

Are you worried about the taste? I know it's extremely bitter, she mentioned this too and she put them in some sweet juice. I think I didn't mention this before. I have a huge headache right now. I don't think we can be completely sure no matter what we do. I read a report about a woman who had a massive overdose of metformin and other drugs that amounted to 126 grams or something like that, definitely over 120 grams, and she was saved. She didn't use the ones we're going to use, but isn't that terrifying? She didn't even lose consciousness.

I don't know if you can compare studies on the two. I do know that two medical professionals chose propranolol as their way out. And their have been famous people that have used SN. I feel like there are definitely more studies on SN, though.

I don't really care about pain either, people have done both methods. It can be done, pain kind of comes with the territory I think.

That's a good idea, I have some Mio, maybe I'll try that. The scariest part is the unknown. There are so many variables, nothing is certain, and it's all terrifying.

 

[Amor]

I don't know if you can compare studies on the two. I do know that two medical professionals chose propranolol as their way out. And their have been famous people that have used SN. I feel like there are definitely more studies on SN, though.

I don't really care about pain either, people have done both methods. It can be done, pain kind of comes with the territory I think.

That's a good idea, I have some Mio, maybe I'll try that. The scariest part is the unknown. There are so many variables, nothing is certain, and it's all terrifying.

I don't think so either, they're such different substances. But there's definitely more information on SN, especially on here. I guess that makes it seem more reliable.

That's just it, the unknown. So many things could happen. My biggest concern is vomiting before I can absorb at least most of the drugs in my system. I'm not worried about seizures because I've had them before and in my experience they've never hurt and you're not even aware it's happening even if you're awake. But we still don't know. I know how it worked out for her because I was on the phone with her, but who's to say what's going to happen to me or you? It's terrifying.

I just read the report again, the woman was 55 years old, diabetic, took an "intentional overdose of greater than 100 g. 55 year-old (80kg) female presented 5h post-ingestion of metformin extended release1 32g (132 x 1g), linagliptin 290mg, ibuprofen 24g, sertraline 20g, rosuvastatin 150mg, perindopril 120mg and indapamide 37.5mg. This was on a background of type 2 diabetes mellitus and hypertension."

Can you imagine? This scares me. But if we don't do it what's the alternative? I can't even imagine living another year. I'm just waiting for my paycheck.

Is Mio juice? It was still extremely bitter with it, she said, but it's definitely possible to drink it. Some people have had worse.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I miss her, I feel guilty and at the same time angry and jealous.

At least I know it works? But why don't I feel relieved?

Because reality is very different from the hypothetical thing we imagine.

 

[Someone123]

Well it sounds like she went more peacefully than a lot of sn attempts- maybe this is a better protocol than sn, it sounds like it, if you look at the sn successes and failures thread.

 

[Amor]

Well it sounds like she went more peacefully than a lot of sn attempts- maybe this is a better protocol than sn, it sounds like it, if you look at the sn successes and failures thread.

Isn't SN supposed to be peaceful and more reliable?

Because reality is very different from the hypothetical thing we imagine.

Yes. Even when I imagine the absolute worst, reality is much worse than that.

 

[Someone123]

Isn't SN supposed to be peaceful and more reliable?

If you look at the failrues and successes threads, when sn fails it is far from peaceful- people report intense headaches and stomachaches and throwing up twenbty times a day and lot of other really bad symptoms, such as convulsions and going blind for a while- it is peaceful when it goes well, but based on these threads, maybe 20% plus of the time it doesn't go well, and then people enbd up calling for an ambulance and getting involuntary hospitalizations, sometimes for a week or longer. Sn is nor reliably peaceful like methods that use inert gases, for example.

 

[Amor]

If you look at the failrues and successes threads, when sn fails it is far from peaceful- people report intense headaches and stomachaches and throwing up twenbty times a day and lot of other really bad symptoms, such as convulsions and going blind for a while- it is peaceful when it goes well, but based on these threads, maybe 20% plus of the time it doesn't go well, and then people enbd up calling for an ambulance and getting involuntary hospitalizations, sometimes for a week or longer. Sn is nor reliably peaceful like methods that use inert gases, for example.

If I had the money to buy SN, I would choose that method. I'm going to go with this one because I know it has a big chance of working, but it's still terrifying because it depends on so many things. What method would you prefer?

 

[Szinuus]

I have a member from this forum who's gonna help me to get SN and meds because after failed jump attempt its near impossible to me to buy them because family is controlling me constantly. We're gonna meet in our home city in october and he'll give me my euthanasia pack. Im so much grateful for him.