Help Friend implied he'd go if I go- anyone in a similar situation? How do you dismantle the guilt?

[graveflower]

A lot of my thoughts are closing in more and more as of late. I remember having a discussion with a close internet friend recently- known the guy since 2018. He asked for my address at some point in the talk and I believe he was getting suspicious and wanted to have that information to do an unwanted welfare check on me, should he catch wind of things going south in the future. He also implied rather plainly that if I ended up going, it would be enough to push him over that edge too. In that hypothetical scenario where he would call a welfare check on me, I don't think I'd be mad at him. I reasonably can't.

But the concept of causing that type of grief to another person- not just him but my family too- makes me feel tethered down to a world that I feel more and more like I don't want to be in. I decided that when- or if, I choose to CTB, I might just not tell him. Which is a shame because I wanted to leave him with some kind parting words for the lovely friendship we have. I disappeared from the app we use to talk for a few days and he even picked up on that.

How do you even detach yourself from those feelings? Even now as I start to feel more and more like a husk, the few feelings I can hold onto is care for my loved ones. How do you navigate yourself through to the end when you can't shake off the guilt? How do you just let it all go?

 

[daruino]

I also struggled with this and came to the conclusion that I will cut contact well before ctb-ing and move away. I think in this way it will hurt less for them, they will just think I moved on with my life perhaps and was a jerk to ghost them. If they ever were to find out later, I'd hope it's less painful compared to if it happened when we were actively friends. With my parents it's more difficult. I want to wait for them to pass first but I don't know how long that would take.
Anyway I imagine this is difficult since he has your address and could call a welfare check on you. Perhaps cutting contact and then waiting for a welfare check? Either way I'm sorry to hear you feeling this way. Being suicidal is already hard but the pressure and guilt to others is the worst of it imo, having to 'choose' almost. Hugs.

 

[scordatura]

You can't shield anyone from pain. Even if you choose to live, your friend will one day experience the suffering of a loss, even if it's not you, someone is going to die like a family member or a pet or maybe a breakup, or something important will be lost. Likely there will be many loses in their lifetime, and maybe one of them could include you. These things happen and no one can be saved in the end.

You shouldn't have to feel guilty although it's the natural thing to feel. You are suffering and you want it to end, and I believe that is okay.