Friend ctb last week

[ready to go....]

It's been a while since I last posted. In my last post a few months ago, I was 99% ready to go, so I thought!

After now a few months of reflection, and loosing a close friend to ctb last week, I have had this sudden feeling of calmness come over me. I have all items needed for my ctb, and the thought of it now makes me feel calm, not worried, not nervous, just calm and settled. Even doing research on my chosen method puts me at ease, before it used to scare me.

It's made me think, loosing my friend last week, is she trying to tell me something? Is she telling me that there's nothing to worry about, and that's put my mind at ease? It's strange, I never knew she had thoughts about ctb, and she didn't know about my struggles either, maybe she can see them now? It's just very strange and since she's been gone, I feel so relaxed and calm about when the time does come.

Although we were close, I do not know exactly how she ctb as her family don't want to release information, but I hope she went peacefully.

I have planned the next few days to spend time with my dogs, write my letters and leave notes, my will etc, ready to ctb next week. I can't even describe how calm and completely ready I am for this. I hate this life and knowing I shall be out of it soon, brings me so much peace.

Has anyone else felt this feeling when you have felt the time is right? I don't know if it's my meds messing with me, or if I've reached the point of contentment where I know everything will be okay.

 

[Justnotme]

I understand you. Periodically, I feel at peace knowing that I can leave. I have nitrite and nitrite tablets.
I take a weak medicine that sometimes only helps me fall asleep, but it doesn't even always help me fall asleep.
That is, no, I do not take any strong medications, after which I would feel a change of mood and thoughts.
This calmness comes by itself
But this calmness then still gives way to anxiety because of the habit of dying and because of the fear of pain, because of the fear of leaving the family and not meeting them again.
It's hard when your well-being jumps back and forth. The pacification, the intense anxiety

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

I know it's not really good or reliable method but my tourniquet method is oddly giving me a sense of relief. All I have to do is bend my head backwards and make sure my tourniquet is tight enough to compress my carotid arties. Then it's game over.

I also have a money source now to buy the SN but I don't want to use it (because its my mom's card). But knowing I could get it any time I want and have to wait like 2 weeks to have it shipped is a blessing, even if my family is against suicide. That burden, the weight of life and all its problems being lifted off my chest and knowing I could die any time I want has ironically helped me live through some horrible situations.

 

[Zegers]

Yes, idk how to describe it but my mind has been wanting to go out for a long time.