Sitting here day dreaming. Day dreaming of the day I finally get to pull the trigger and end my pain. I sit here everyday and think of that day, I run it through my mind all the time. So much to do in the meantime. I sit here knowing I finally ordered the gun and I should have it in my possession in a couple of weeks. To have it here will be a surreal thing for me, I will finally have the means to do what I have wanted to do my whole life - take it. I wake up and run through all the locations I've narrowed it down to, then I think I wonder how it will be for those involved finding me. I am going to do my best to make it as easy on everyone as possible. I think I have written 100 different suicide notes in my brain, I'd like to think my lengthy note will be some sort of combination of all the thoughts in my head and get it out on paper before I go. My depression and anxiety have won - and I'm glad. Now I can finally die and cease to exist from this fucked up world. Whether it's the ctb date I set for myself in May, or sooner, or later depending on many factors, the end result is imminent. My peace will come and I will be gone. I can't wait.
Sensei
剣道家
- Nov 4, 2019
- 6,336
Maybe things will change when you get your gun? I felt strangely relaxed when I had acquired all i needed to kill myself. It's such a solace to know that I can end it whenever I want to and it has actually made me somewhat less suicidal.
I mean, it's possible perhaps. I am excited to have it here soon so I could do it at anytime. I can understand why some people would feel less suicidal in a way, but I don't think things will change in my case. I will have invested quite a bit in this and it's something I really feel I need to do. I feel the date I have set could change, but I feel ctb is inevitable and I will definitely do it sometime. I am going to do my best to stick to the date I chose though.
Sensei
剣道家
- Nov 4, 2019
- 6,336
To me, it's become a way of buying time, even though that wasn't the intention; on the contrary. I hope the delivery of your gun will buy you some time too and that things will sort themselves out for you. If not, I hope you will sleep well.
Thank you my friend. I've been on borrowed time for years, wanting to move on from this world but hanging on for this reason or that reason. I just can't anymore. It could perhaps buy me some time, I really don't know, but in the end it will happen. Unfortunately at this point, there is nothing to sort out an I feel this is my only way to peace. I look forward to sleeping well in the black abyss forever in the near future.
