Cherry Crumpet
Hiraeth
- May 7, 2018
- 265
I thought I was over it. Or, had come to terms with it. I thought he left me because he couldn't handle being in a serious relationship. He wasn't able to be emotionally open to me.
Found out he started casually dating 3 months after he broke up with me. Yeah I know - that's normal probably. It was my first and only relationship. I'm 37. Went on Fbook (mistake) - saw his new girl post on his wall. He gave her surprise flowers at her work. How sweet. He never did anything like that for me. Made me pay $15 for something at a store while he got a few things that came out to like $80 - $100. Gave him a $70 bday present. He gave me a $25 stuffed toy and a canvas print that costs prob $10. I'm not about being treated traditionally or anything but now and then it would have been nice for him to .. at least spend equal amounts on what I would spend on him?
So apparently he was able to get over not being able to trust and open up to people. Cause now he's serious with this girl. He said it started out casual but then it 'clicked' and while with me and him it had 'unclicked'. I understand. That happens. Doesn't mean you don't start the good old thought patterns of thinking you're worthless and who the fuck would ever want to be around you or in the general vicinity of where you happen to exist.
The funniest thing. The final last couple months I was trying to work up the nerve to ask him what he even saw in me, because I didn't see anything in me. I guess I got my answer. Nothing. He tried to 'comfort' me later and said i was passionate about a few of my hobbies, oh, aand that I had great tits too. I don't think they're great. they sag. I look disgusting and i'm fat.
He said he always had feelings for me when he first popped back into my life on his own initiative, told me he was in the process of getting a divorce, aand perused me. I was stupid. So fucking stupid. I knew it was too early but he said it wasn't and he was over it. We have known each other for close to 20 years at this point.
Now I guess he just.. fell out of love with me.. or never loved me to begin with. And the whole time I had no idea. I was totally blind sided. *puts on clown makeup and wig*
I guess I have a personality that repels people. He certainly ran for the hills. Pretty funny. I thought we 'clicked' well and had chemistry. Guess I was competently wrong. Thank God I have my best friend and my Mom. Otherwise I'd truly be alone. Well, he said he still cared deeply for me as a friend, on the level of his closest friend. So maybe my personality isn't 100% obnoxious, anxiety ridden, high strung, depressive piece of shit. Maybe the obnoxious anxious depressive piece of shit part's only 90%.
So it went from he can't be in a serious emotionally open relationship to he just ... stopped having feelings for me. After two years. Abruptly. I guess I finally got on his nerves enough that he wanted me to GTFO of his life. More confirmation for my own belief that I'm worthless and a waste of oxygen. I'm here because I don't want to ever hurt my Mom.
I took 4mg xanax and drank half a glass of wine. I'm waiting for it to kick in. I have a crazy high tolerance. this shit will never kill me. lol. I don't think I gotta say that on a su*cide forum tho - ironic, one place i can be open about it.
Xanax gets me by on the worst days. It doesn't just make me not give a shit... it makes me a little happy. I'll take what I can get. Crumbs I guess.
So cheers. Tip your glass up, my friends. *chime* Here's to me. The sitcom of the universe. Tune in next week to see what whacky stupid bullshit I get up to as I play the game of being delusional enough to think one day I might actually have a life where i'm somewhat happy or feel somewhat worthwhile.
Found out he started casually dating 3 months after he broke up with me. Yeah I know - that's normal probably. It was my first and only relationship. I'm 37. Went on Fbook (mistake) - saw his new girl post on his wall. He gave her surprise flowers at her work. How sweet. He never did anything like that for me. Made me pay $15 for something at a store while he got a few things that came out to like $80 - $100. Gave him a $70 bday present. He gave me a $25 stuffed toy and a canvas print that costs prob $10. I'm not about being treated traditionally or anything but now and then it would have been nice for him to .. at least spend equal amounts on what I would spend on him?
So apparently he was able to get over not being able to trust and open up to people. Cause now he's serious with this girl. He said it started out casual but then it 'clicked' and while with me and him it had 'unclicked'. I understand. That happens. Doesn't mean you don't start the good old thought patterns of thinking you're worthless and who the fuck would ever want to be around you or in the general vicinity of where you happen to exist.
The funniest thing. The final last couple months I was trying to work up the nerve to ask him what he even saw in me, because I didn't see anything in me. I guess I got my answer. Nothing. He tried to 'comfort' me later and said i was passionate about a few of my hobbies, oh, aand that I had great tits too. I don't think they're great. they sag. I look disgusting and i'm fat.
He said he always had feelings for me when he first popped back into my life on his own initiative, told me he was in the process of getting a divorce, aand perused me. I was stupid. So fucking stupid. I knew it was too early but he said it wasn't and he was over it. We have known each other for close to 20 years at this point.
Now I guess he just.. fell out of love with me.. or never loved me to begin with. And the whole time I had no idea. I was totally blind sided. *puts on clown makeup and wig*
I guess I have a personality that repels people. He certainly ran for the hills. Pretty funny. I thought we 'clicked' well and had chemistry. Guess I was competently wrong. Thank God I have my best friend and my Mom. Otherwise I'd truly be alone. Well, he said he still cared deeply for me as a friend, on the level of his closest friend. So maybe my personality isn't 100% obnoxious, anxiety ridden, high strung, depressive piece of shit. Maybe the obnoxious anxious depressive piece of shit part's only 90%.
So it went from he can't be in a serious emotionally open relationship to he just ... stopped having feelings for me. After two years. Abruptly. I guess I finally got on his nerves enough that he wanted me to GTFO of his life. More confirmation for my own belief that I'm worthless and a waste of oxygen. I'm here because I don't want to ever hurt my Mom.
I took 4mg xanax and drank half a glass of wine. I'm waiting for it to kick in. I have a crazy high tolerance. this shit will never kill me. lol. I don't think I gotta say that on a su*cide forum tho - ironic, one place i can be open about it.
Xanax gets me by on the worst days. It doesn't just make me not give a shit... it makes me a little happy. I'll take what I can get. Crumbs I guess.
So cheers. Tip your glass up, my friends. *chime* Here's to me. The sitcom of the universe. Tune in next week to see what whacky stupid bullshit I get up to as I play the game of being delusional enough to think one day I might actually have a life where i'm somewhat happy or feel somewhat worthwhile.