Help Forming Happy Relationships?

[astr4]

any kind, platonic or romantic.

The piece i'm stuck on is this:

i am a deeply insecure person. when i was younger i would ask for more reassurance, but i've learned that's annoying and drives people away.

so i don't ask. i just keep going. i don't share my insecurities, i just tell myself over and over i need to trust my friends and that these people choose to have me in their lives.

but i get resentful. i get bitter. it starts to feel like my presence isn't really needed anyways. i'll pull little experiments like "let's stop being the first one to message and see how long it takes to get a response" or "let's stop being accommodating and see if they'll come hang in my area instead."

obviously that doesn't pan out. and then comes the inevitable blow up of "if you don't care about me just say so lol."

it feels like the only way i'm meant to maintain relationships is just a constant gaslighting of myself. just ignoring my own insecurities until they blow up in my face. idk. like i'm just fucked up by my parents and there's no salvation for me i'll never be able to form happy healthy relationships.

just not sure how to get around this one so i've spent the past year self isolating but. idk. i don't even know if i wanna get better all that badly. but if i do this is where i would wanna start bc it's not like i can change the other stuff that makes me suicidal.

idk

 

[abchia]

This is hard, I feel this in a similar way. I've started going out to places by myself and enjoying my own company rather than trying to rely on friends that won't be here for me

 

[Mirrory Me]

When i was younger i would ask for more reassurance, but i've learned that's annoying and drives people away.

That sucks, because it's not necessarily the whole truth- you need to learn to trust others and yourself.

 

[Felodese]

This might not be particularly helpful, but could it be that you start off friendships/relationships being too accommondating?
If people get used to you always bending over backwards for them, they take it - and you - for granted, and will react negatively when you decide you've had enough.

If someone feels unwanted or has only ever been valued for what they can do for others, then it's really easy to fall into a pattern of going out of your way to help or please others, in order to be accepted.

Not a solution or anything. Just my thoughts based on your description of your situation.

 

[astr4]

That sucks, because it's not necessarily the whole truth- you need to learn to trust others and yourself.

ahh could you elaborate on this? i get trusting others but i don't really trust myself so maybe that's why i'm struggling?

This might not be particularly helpful, but could it be that you start off friendships/relationships being too accommondating?
If people get used to you always bending over backwards for them, they take it - and you - for granted, and will react negatively when you decide you've had enough.

If someone feels unwanted or has only ever been valued for what they can do for others, then it's really easy to fall into a pattern of going out of your way to help or please others, in order to be accepted.

Not a solution or anything. Just my thoughts based on your description of your situation.

oh no….. yeah i do that a lot… it's hard bc i just wanna be liked, it feels like if i'm not accommodating i'll be hated but i guess it's not that black and white. definitely a habit to kick…

 

[Felodese]

oh no….. yeah i do that a lot… it's hard bc i just wanna be liked, it feels like if i'm not accommodating i'll be hated but i guess it's not that black and white. definitely a habit to kick…

It's pretty natural to feel that way, if people (I'm guessing family?) have always treated you like you only matter when you're useful to them. Then you assume that's what you have to do to be liked/loved/accepted.

Real friends will want you for yourself, for your personality, and will want to be around you because they enjoy your company.

Doubling down on the psychology speak here, but if you want to look into it, try searching for resources about people pleasing.
There's some stuff here on SaSu too under the mental health megathread that might be helpful.