
mossball
Member
- Apr 6, 2021
- 49
After I was put into the psychiatric hospital, this one psychiatrist was my doctor. She talked to my parents before she talked to me and on our first chat she was already saying I was a manipulative little bitch, probably because I'd told my mother I think she is a manipulator the previous week. She made lots of assumptions about me based on my physical appearance, too — it was her first visit after all.
The last time she saw me at the hospital, she was snarky and said "next time out of a miscalculation you could slip up and die." as if I'd been figuring out a CTB setup to make my parents sad. This psychiatrist had not believed me when I'd told her I wanted to CTB.
So now I'm stuck with my parents and can't pick my own doctor. I feel like a kid. I feel like I've got no option but do what they say and keep going to this doctor. The worst is I lied a lot at the hospital so she'd let me go home; I said I don't feel like dying nor cutting anymore. If I'm honest now, she'll know I was lying before. I'm terribly anxious about seeing her next week.
Seeing as she already had preconceived ideas about me, my friend and I think it's also about my friend's sessions with her. My doctor is her psychiatrist AND psychologist, has been for years — and my friend and I used to date when we were young teens. We went through some hard stuff for kids and I could have been a much better girlfriend. I was shitty at times. It was all pretty shitty. So we both think the doctor has let this affect our sessions, which wouldn't be very professional.
I'm just fucked up now.I feel like I owe it to everyone now to keep trying to stay alive. I'm under constant watch and pressure to stay alive and out of harm's way, so it's not like I can do anything any way. Might as well try it their way and make it easier on myself...? Is what I tell myself, but I still want to die. It didn't work. All the meds aren't working. It's still awfully hard. And I'm trapped now because I reached out for help and everyone is suffocating me.
Bottom line is, I should have died quietly instead of allowing myself to feel guilty for others. Sorry for venting.
The last time she saw me at the hospital, she was snarky and said "next time out of a miscalculation you could slip up and die." as if I'd been figuring out a CTB setup to make my parents sad. This psychiatrist had not believed me when I'd told her I wanted to CTB.
So now I'm stuck with my parents and can't pick my own doctor. I feel like a kid. I feel like I've got no option but do what they say and keep going to this doctor. The worst is I lied a lot at the hospital so she'd let me go home; I said I don't feel like dying nor cutting anymore. If I'm honest now, she'll know I was lying before. I'm terribly anxious about seeing her next week.
Seeing as she already had preconceived ideas about me, my friend and I think it's also about my friend's sessions with her. My doctor is her psychiatrist AND psychologist, has been for years — and my friend and I used to date when we were young teens. We went through some hard stuff for kids and I could have been a much better girlfriend. I was shitty at times. It was all pretty shitty. So we both think the doctor has let this affect our sessions, which wouldn't be very professional.
I'm just fucked up now.I feel like I owe it to everyone now to keep trying to stay alive. I'm under constant watch and pressure to stay alive and out of harm's way, so it's not like I can do anything any way. Might as well try it their way and make it easier on myself...? Is what I tell myself, but I still want to die. It didn't work. All the meds aren't working. It's still awfully hard. And I'm trapped now because I reached out for help and everyone is suffocating me.
Bottom line is, I should have died quietly instead of allowing myself to feel guilty for others. Sorry for venting.