Discussion For those with any failed attempt(s) under your belt, how have they affected you?

[secondtimesthecharm]

Has your perspective/outlook changed after trying and failing? How close have you come, and does that affect anything?

I've got two failed attempts now, and the big thing I've had to accept is that I am not an exception to the rules of the game, and I have to pick a tried and true method plus follow it exactly to ensure I'll actually CTB. I've also just embraced the fact that I have to slow down and plan in general, as regardless of method, there's no benefit to rushing into things and my life is not so unbearable that I can't afford to live a week or two longer.

 

[tiggles2000]

I have passed out when practising the "night-night" method, and would have CTB if I hadn't arranged someone there to take the ratchet off if I passed out. I have also tried partial hanging, but couldn't get past the SI.

The SI is the main reason I changed method to SN. Once I drink it, it's pretty much over unless I'm found before death or I call an ambulance

 

[Superfluous]

I thought I'd planned my 1st attempt to perfection. I'd taken my time and done the research and planning and didn't think it could fail. Even the possibility of failure hadn't entered my mind. But it did fail and I've realised I hadn't taken all factors into consideration. This was very recent

The result has left me feeling more emotionally exposed (I'd been suppressing my emotions for years). I've been given a chance to reflect and am still doing so, although I've also prepared my next attempt just in case. As it currently stands, it's becoming more likely that I will make another attempt and soon as I can't even convince myself of a reason to keep going, nevermind the amount of effort it would take to do so.

This time I will not be using a 'fringe' method, and I've put even more effort into the planning and research. I've learnt though that, even with the best planning and preparation, there will always be the possibility of failure and I've come to accept that.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Disappointment
Partial
Kinda just choked. I Haven't managed to pass out despite my counting down from 15 seconds
I've tried every which way possible and I can't figure it out. No, I still wanna die. I don't produce a lot of after thought into things like you guys do. I just went to bed and didn't really think about anything. I don't have profound thoughts about life or anything. I'm just not that deep of a person

 

[secondtimesthecharm]

I have passed out when practising the "night-night" method, and would have CTB if I hadn't arranged someone there to take the ratchet off if I passed out. I have also tried partial hanging, but couldn't get past the SI.

The SI is the main reason I changed method to SN. Once I drink it, it's pretty much over unless I'm found before death or I call an ambulance

SN is my method of choice now too. It's funny, I never actually tried partial or the night-night methods, but I did consider those strongly before ordering the SN. I had concerns about SI stopping me too. I think it's on here that I've read someone saying that method requiring active violence against oneself, like hanging or choking, as opposed to passive violence like ingesting poison, require a lot more will and are harder to pull off. I feel like that statement really captures the essence of the problem, at least for me.

 

[cornflowerblue]

After each attempt I thought there was nothing else to try, so I got more depressed and felt trapped. Then I'd try to force myself to keep on keeping on, and would inevitably always circle back to figuring out new methods.

 

[secondtimesthecharm]

I thought I'd planned my 1st attempt to perfection. I'd taken my time and done the research and planning and didn't think it could fail. Even the possibility of failure hadn't entered my mind. But it did fail and I've realised I hadn't taken all factors into consideration. This was very recent

The result has left me feeling more emotionally exposed (I'd been suppressing my emotions for years). I've been given a chance to reflect and am still doing so, although I've also prepared my next attempt just in case. As it currently stands, it's becoming more likely that I will make another attempt and soon as I can't even convince myself of a reason to keep going, nevermind the amount of effort it would take to do so.

This time I will not be using a 'fringe' method, and I've put even more effort into the planning and research. I've learnt though that, even with the best planning and preparation, there will always be the possibility of failure and I've come to accept that.

I totally feel that, the being more emotionally exposed. I've never been particularly suppressed but I felt like getting a tiny taste of death and then being denied, brought up a lot of shit I hadn't considered before, which in my case made me double down on wanting to CTB.

The possibility of failure is such a bitch. Death is final, so choosing to CTB requires accepting that, but the chance of survival is almost always a concern and you have to plan accordingly for that too. It's kind of a mindfuck trying to accept the finality while also trying to accept the potential that you might be back.

Disappointment
Partial
Kinda just choked. I Haven't managed to pass out despite my counting down from 15 seconds
I've tried every which way possible and I can't figure it out. No, I still wanna die. I don't produce a lot of after thought into things like you guys do. I just went to bed and didn't really think about anything. I don't have profound thoughts about life or anything. I'm just not that deep of a person

I don't think a lack of reflection indicates that you're not 'deep' as a person, all people are inherently complicated and actually I envy how matter-of-fact you can be about it! Constantly overthinking is exhausting.

After each attempt I thought there was nothing else to try, so I got more depressed and felt trapped. Then I'd try to force myself to keep on keeping on, and would inevitably always circle back to figuring out new methods.

I'm sorry you've been through so many attempts, I know how disappointing it is to survive. I hope you find peace soon.

 

[sólstafir]

I've learned that no matter how determined I am in my mind, when I've been 'close' to death in my mind and making actions towards it, knowing for certain this is my last walk in my life while walking to forest with rope in my back bag to my chosen tree, basically 100% sure I'm about to hang myself, I still can't take that last step and jump. I've learned that fantasizing about it and actually looking death into eye feels different. I've done it at least 10 times seriously, standing with rope around my neck next to empty field in the summer, autumn, spring and winter nights and the feeling inside me while standing there is undescribable, surreal, iit's like everything inside me physically screams don't do it, the feeling tells - it's wrong, at least it feels wrong, but mentally you know you have nothing in life neither anymore. The absolute 'last moments' in my mind (when I thought they were) felt like I don't even think anymore, my body is filled with most tense feeling I've ever felt, absolute horror. Yeah undescribable.We call it the survival instict, I know. But I've never actually done anything to myself. And it made me feel trapped ofcourse - can't die, can't live, but other occasions relieved for a brief moment, body relaxes after taking down the rope because body knows your life is not in danger anymore and then you continue your shitty life, suicide has been at the back of my mind for 8 years, suicidal ideation is my coping mechanism.

 

[barny]

Ended up in psych ward which was awful, locked up, Better to not be here then stuck in there

 

[sólstafir]

I have passed out when practising the "night-night" method, and would have CTB if I hadn't arranged someone there to take the ratchet off if I passed out. I have also tried partial hanging, but couldn't get past the SI.

The SI is the main reason I changed method to SN. Once I drink it, it's pretty much over unless I'm found before death or I call an ambulance

I changed to SN from full suspension hanging too because of SI. But if I ever do it, I've thought of everything - I certainly test my SN before - haven't read how to do that yet though, take proper antiemetics and do it deep in the forest without taking my phone with me. I can't trust myself so much that I can be sure I won't call for help if I have phone next to me. As much as I'd like to do it at home while no-one is here, I can still fucking run to my neighbour and ask her to help me in panic. You can't know how you will act in panic and/or pain. You can't predict how you will feel.

 

[secondtimesthecharm]

Ended up in psych ward which was awful, locked up, Better to not be here then stuck in there

Me too. It's incredibly dehumanizing and traumatizing, I don't understand how people can think it genuinely helps a person.

 

[cornflowerblue]

Me too. It's incredibly dehumanizing and traumatizing, I don't understand how people can think it genuinely helps a person.

It helped me once when I was much younger. I went to a very good hospital where the employees were all very intelligent, competent, and respectful. The hospital was private and only took good insurance, and they didn't take anyone too psychotic or aggressive, so everyone there was just depressed. Also, EVERYBODY was there voluntarily and the staff could recommend if they want us to stay longer but nobody got forced or pressured. All of the patients were either college students or "successful" (well-off, educated, white-collar) adults. We had a lot of personal freedom, individual and group therapy, art therapy, good food, access to the outdoors, puzzles, coloring books, tons of reading books and movies. The doctors who did meds actually talked with us each day for 15-30 minutes and didn't force anyone to take meds they don't like, and listened if people didn't like side effects. The rooms were comfortable, most people had private rooms but some had roommates and if you wanted to switch there was no problem. Nice mattresses and pillows. There was a smoking room we could use any time other than bedtime (11pm-7am), very few restrictions on phone calls (this was before smartphones), and we could even shave legs with minimal supervision. They also helped with real world problems like signing people up for benefits, finding good therapists for after discharge, making sure everyone had a safe place to return home to (sometimes this meant getting people funding for living away from family), even helped with coordinating scholarships and talking to professors or employers to keep people from being kicked out of college or fired from work. Some people got hooked up with new jobs for when they leave. After leaving, there were lots of options to keep getting care from the hospital for ongoing support like regular therapy and psychiatry that you just do once a week. And when I got a new therapist, the hospital actually worked with them and coordinated my care then kept checking with me for a few months after to make sure my external needs are met.


It was probably the closest you could get to one of those fancy cash-only celebrity "treatment resorts", while still being funded by health insurance. My stay there felt like a vacation in many ways.

The hospital has been sold since then and from what I've heard, it's turned into the typical inhumane shithole that most people imagine when they think of psych wards.

 

[Sever]

I got committed after failure. It was real prison and torture. Now i'm under risk whatever I do. Even if I get drunk and do some shit not related to suicide, I might get committed again for a long time. The worst thing ever.
Everyone who was close to me began moralizing and criticizing. My family turned out to be assholes and bastards who are ready to betray just for their own pleasure. If I fail the next time, i'll likely will be committed again and become a fucking vegetable on meds.

 

[secondtimesthecharm]

It helped me once when I was much younger. I went to a very good hospital where the employees were all very intelligent, competent, and respectful. The hospital was private and only took good insurance, and they didn't take anyone too psychotic or aggressive, so everyone there was just depressed. Also, EVERYBODY was there voluntarily and the staff could recommend if they want us to stay longer but nobody got forced or pressured. All of the patients were either college students or "successful" (well-off, educated, white-collar) adults. We had a lot of personal freedom, individual and group therapy, art therapy, good food, access to the outdoors, puzzles, coloring books, tons of reading books and movies. The doctors who did meds actually talked with us each day for 15-30 minutes and didn't force anyone to take meds they don't like, and listened if people didn't like side effects. The rooms were comfortable, most people had private rooms but some had roommates and if you wanted to switch there was no problem. Nice mattresses and pillows. There was a smoking room we could use any time other than bedtime (11pm-7am), very few restrictions on phone calls (this was before smartphones), and we could even shave legs with minimal supervision. It was probably the closest you could get to one of those fancy cash-only celebrity "treatment resorts", while still being funded by health insurance. My stay there felt like a vacation in many ways.

The hospital has been sold since then and from what I've heard, it's turned into the typical inhumane shithole that most people imagine when they think of psych wards.

Oh my god, that sounds like a dream. If I had access to treatment at a place like that I'd absolutely give it a chance before committing to CTB, like personally I think I might be able to genuinely heal with that kind of compassionate and humane professional medical care. My only experience with the psych ward has been involuntary commitment via the good ol California 5150.

 

[cornflowerblue]

I got committed after failure. It was real prison and torture. Now i'm under risk whatever I do. Even if I get drunk and do some shit not related to suicide, I might get committed again for a long time. The worst thing ever.
Everyone who was close to me began moralizing and criticizing. My family turned out to be assholes and bastards who are ready to betray just for their own pleasure. If I fail the next time, i'll likely will be committed again and become a fucking vegetable on meds.

It's amazing how different people act after an attempt vs after a completed suicide. It's like they save their sympathy and support for when it doesn't matter anymore.

Oh my god, that sounds like a dream. If I had access to treatment at a place like that I'd absolutely give it a chance before committing to CTB, like personally I think I might be able to genuinely heal with that kind of compassionate and humane professional medical care. My only experience with the psych ward has been involuntary commitment via the good ol California 5150.

I went "voluntary" but at the ER I was told that I'm going inpatient no matter what, so I can go voluntary and keep this off my record and leave whenever I want, or they would court order me and then I'd have to disclose my hospital stay on job applications and it could show on background checks. Lol so I decided to go voluntarily and sign myself in.

I am really upset about what happened to this hospital. People from all over the state used to ask to go there, even when they lived 3 hours away. It was also really hard to get hired there. Now they hire anyone with a pulse (especially the kinds of people other hospitals fired or didn't want), don't pay or train their staff, overfill it with patients, cut 90% of the services, trap people until their insurance runs out, shove AA down everyone's throat even if the only drugs they've ever touched were to OD, and run it like a prison with no freedoms or privileges.

Another thing I forgot earlier was that It was also unique in how they treated people with substance abuse problems. Most places will try to treat the drug problem first (by forcing detox, calling you evil, and forcing AA) and then do mental health, but this place understood that you treat addiction BY treating mental health and by fixing external problems and that AA isn't for everyone, they even said that using alcohol in moderation can be ok, and said the same about mild drugs like pot but in a wink-wink-this-is-still-illegal-tho way.

If I ever change my mind and decide not to CTB, my dream in life is to save up enough money to fund and run a copy of how that hospital used to be, even if it would just be a tiny group home type facility that fits 5 patients.

That kind of place wouldn't fix me anymore, but it literally saved my life at the time, and I was able to ride that improvement wave for over 5 years. I think lots of people could truly find a cure to their suicidality if they could go somewhere like that for 2-3 weeks, at least going off of a lot of the stories I've read here and on other depression or suicide sites.

Oh my god, that sounds like a dream. If I had access to treatment at a place like that I'd absolutely give it a chance before committing to CTB, like personally I think I might be able to genuinely heal with that kind of compassionate and humane professional medical care. My only experience with the psych ward has been involuntary commitment via the good ol California 5150.

Life pro tip (yes, pun intended since we're on SS): always ask your therapist and psychiatrist for the top 3 hospitals they'd want to be put in if they got 5150'd, and the top 3 they'd stay the hell away from. That'll get you more realistic answers than just asking what hospitals they think are good.

 

[mpti]

Failed attempts are absolutely exhausting. The shame and misery they caused me affects me to this day pretty intensely. I just want to die, is that too much to ask? I know it can cause pain to the people around me, but at the same time I never asked to be alive. I don't even have kids or a girlfriend or anything like that, just a family that chose to have me and not the other way around. But now I can't even try to attempt without the risk of being hospitalized.

I've tried some partial suspension and it just hasn't made me pass out. I hope I can find a way to try full but I don't even know if I can do that without closing my windpipe/leaving my arteries open which will cause nearly insurmountable SI. Maybe one of these days I'll get it right, idk.

 

[inconsequential]

They've largely made me feel like I'm not even good at CTB. Which is a horrible feeling when you are already pretty convinced that you're good at/for nothing.

My last couple of attempts were disguised as ODs, so not much shame in those.

Now I know that I need a guaranteed— as guaranteed as it gets, at least— method. Or I will just be a failure once again.

 

[been_there]

Aside from physical damage, failed attempts are extremely upsetting and demoralising. Waking up alive is shit. Much worse if people know you tried, as most will drop or avoid you. It poisons all your relationships in some way.

Ideation is sometimes a good coping mechanism but can be very intrusive.

 

[DreamCatcher]

I've failed four times. But because it was always some impulsive unplanned thing I now understand why it didn't work. I was so focused on the experience of dying, that I never really gave actual death a real chance.

This is something that needs proper planning and preparation, it's not a vacation, or something you can just do off of the top of your head because it's actually quite hard to CTB even though the younger me didn't realize that. The fact that information on such topics is hard to find made it even worse, as I thought every method had to be painful or require excessive meds.

Each time I tried I messed up my life, and I came back home miserable that I had failed back to a life that had nothing to offer but more pain. And I'd suffer for a while until I tried again.

I am prepared and the planning is done now, the next time won't be a failure.

 

[Invisible 73]

It helped me once when I was much younger. I went to a very good hospital where the employees were all very intelligent, competent, and respectful. The hospital was private and only took good insurance, and they didn't take anyone too psychotic or aggressive, so everyone there was just depressed. Also, EVERYBODY was there voluntarily and the staff could recommend if they want us to stay longer but nobody got forced or pressured. All of the patients were either college students or "successful" (well-off, educated, white-collar) adults. We had a lot of personal freedom, individual and group therapy, art therapy, good food, access to the outdoors, puzzles, coloring books, tons of reading books and movies. The doctors who did meds actually talked with us each day for 15-30 minutes and didn't force anyone to take meds they don't like, and listened if people didn't like side effects. The rooms were comfortable, most people had private rooms but some had roommates and if you wanted to switch there was no problem. Nice mattresses and pillows. There was a smoking room we could use any time other than bedtime (11pm-7am), very few restrictions on phone calls (this was before smartphones), and we could even shave legs with minimal supervision. They also helped with real world problems like signing people up for benefits, finding good therapists for after discharge, making sure everyone had a safe place to return home to (sometimes this meant getting people funding for living away from family), even helped with coordinating scholarships and talking to professors or employers to keep people from being kicked out of college or fired from work. Some people got hooked up with new jobs for when they leave. After leaving, there were lots of options to keep getting care from the hospital for ongoing support like regular therapy and psychiatry that you just do once a week. And when I got a new therapist, the hospital actually worked with them and coordinated my care then kept checking with me for a few months after to make sure my external needs are met.


It was probably the closest you could get to one of those fancy cash-only celebrity "treatment resorts", while still being funded by health insurance. My stay there felt like a vacation in many ways.

The hospital has been sold since then and from what I've heard, it's turned into the typical inhumane shithole that most people imagine when they think of psych wards.

God, if only they were all like that one

 

[Never Free]

I feel despair. I had completely accepted death. I was far into my antifreeze poisoning. My experience with psych, was more than a waste of time. Was cruel, and unfair. I don't fit the box for incompetent, and/ or psychosis, so they lie. I am just someone who doesn't want to be in this world. So, they just lie about me. I want to go, but I don't want to end up in MH hands. I am all the more determined to succeed.

 

[whereispeace]

I wish the attempt was successful. Things are even worse now than they were then. It feels inevitable that I'm going to try again.