Discussion For those who are nearing their ctb

[ManWithNoName]

For those who are nearing their ctb, has your daily thoughts shifted as you feel yourself nearing your end? What goes through your mind during the day? As well what goes through your mind at night? And if you dream, how has your dreams changed?

 

[L-L]

I feel like I shift between anger and bitterness and calmness. The anger and bitterness come from feeling like a coward or like I'm missing something - I know my life isn't that bad, so why do I feel like this? I get so angry and frustrated with myself. When I go I know people will see me as being mentally ill and having made a bad decision, but am I really so irrational for arriving at the conclusion that this isn't for me?

At the same time, I know I have SN and an antiemetic waiting for me. Without the guilt, I know I could catch the bus as the act in itself doesn't seem to be that difficult (in my time lurking here I've read so many goodbye threads that appear to have been successful). I spend a lot of time thinking about it, and thinking about what I'll leave behind for those who will be hurt.

Always a lot going on in the mind.

OP - have you changed in any way? Have you got a date that you're approaching?

 

[noctiva]

I have the same thing @L-L, I switch between anger and serene calmness. I'm angry when I think about myself, I'm angry at my partner, I'm angry at work, simply because I'm me, because I still am, and often times because I have moments of hope left, which make me feel shame and resentment towards myself.
The other option is I'm completely at peace, resolved and I know what will happen and when it will happen.
I think the switching for me is the battle between the heart (that hopeful bastard!) and my brain (which has analyzed the situation logically and has determined that there is no other way which doesn't lead to suffering).
I am very much rooting for my brain.

 

[Nikoson]

I've become very nonchalant about it now. I plan to do it, unless it fails then I will be gone. After that, it doesn't matter anymore

 

[SoupSnakes]

I agree with @noctiva and @L-L

For a long time I have felt so angry and bitter, constantly thinking of how I can end my life, when that will be, everything that comes along with that. Since choosing my method and planning the time (dependant on everything arriving in time), I've felt nothing but calm. I still have the same thoughts but they don't plague me like they did, it's more just a calmness that it's coming and will be over soon.

OP, do you feel the same?

 

[howard]

Hi, I'm at that point. At the moment I feel like when your on last few days of holiday and regret having wasted opportunities etc.
Mostly anger at myself.
I am constantly wrangling with the concept of non existence, it consumes my mind all the time.

A bit like 'waiting' for a bus.
I plan to go before xmas. Hopefully when no one else is hear.
Re-dreams, I have fascinating epics full of super high resolution detail.
Pepole from my past are usually involved. Death does not feature highly.
I wake up to the nightmare of my current reality, as I think most here do.

At times I have fear of what I need to do. Mainly of the process, I fear being aware as my body shuts down! I

Hope we all find peace in some way.

 

[ManWithNoName]

OP - have you changed in any way? Have you got a date that you're approaching?

For me more like my position: "If I knew then what I know now" comes back to me often. I do understand that it is a normal process that people grow in life, but I shudder when I look back on my previous years at times I was quite the schmuck.

I agree with @noctiva and @L-L
OP, do you feel the same?

I cannot say I felt anger because a long time ago I pretty much accepted that life does not owe me anything, and able to confirm this in the writings of the Stoics. I have to deal with deciding on an effective method and whether or not I should ctb anonymously, as to simply disappear as opposed to ctb with ID in which those who know me would find out I carried out self deliverance.

 

[Crystal Labeija]

There is a little pressure to do the things I've always wanted to do but never had the chance. Unfortunately, I can't discipline myself now, so I'm an auto-pilot. Someone also staged an intervention so I'm in therapy. I feel bad for my therapists, but if I don't do therapy, I'll be involuntarily detained. I don't blame the person who intervened. I love them more for doing it. They really care about people and believes in me. I'll end up disappointing them. </3

 

[JimFord99]

I have become very calm and not very interested in anything. Good hing, really. I don't feel bitter or sad, no, not at all. Somehow liberated.

 

[L-L]

I'll end up disappointing them. </3

I think most people feel that same, crushing weight and inner turmoil.

 

[ge0rge]

sorrow, fear, tearfulness -- all of them at once. thoughts of unfairness and unreadiness and all that. but I know it's the only right thing to do.

 

[cowbain]

Weirdly enough, old memories (that must've been buried deep down) from when I wasn't this miserable keep popping into my head. It's like my brain is in a time loop, replaying my entire life in the form of dreams and random thoughts throughout the day. It's painful for me to remember those times and to think about the bad that led me to this fate, but besides that I feel content knowing I'll be dead soon.

 

[Jengator]

I'm not sure if I'm nearing it because I don't know if my system can handle the meds with my gastro issues but I feel like the end is coming for me. I've been getting sadder and sadder and angry that I can't live the life I want to live because of the illness that doctors gave to me with their dangerous medications

 

[Ark]

For me every night is riddled with nightmares. So that has not changed. My thoughts have gone from wishing for a way it how I want, to accepting that catching the bus is what's most important even if it's not exactly the way I wanted to. Accepting that has not been easy for but, it's something I am teaching myself to accept.

 

[Nem]

Just knowing death is near is comforting
Peace/hugs

 

[ReadyToMeetMyMaker]

I have a constant feeling of anger towards myself for my recent decisions filled with resentment, loneliness, hopelessness, and sadness. I don't want to die. However, I cannot live in this pain any longer. If there was a way my wife wouldn't divorce me I would fight through all of this pain. We have two boys, 2 and 5 yrs old. I wish I had enough strength for them, but I don't. I am thinking I will CTB as soon as my meto gets here, Dec 3rd. I am counting down the days.

 

[ManWithNoName]

And btw to all of you who have contributed your thoughts and continue to post on this thread I give my sincere thanks.

 

[6ixxy]

I have become very calm and not very interested in anything. Good hing, really. I don't feel bitter or sad, no, not at all. Somehow liberated.

This x100, it's weirdly confusing though, almost as if I SHOULDNT be feeling like this but at the same time I don't really care that I do? Like it's whatever

 

[AnxiouslyDepressed]

I have a constant feeling of anger towards myself for my recent decisions filled with resentment, loneliness, hopelessness, and sadness. I don't want to die. However, I cannot live in this pain any longer. If there was a way my wife wouldn't divorce me I would fight through all of this pain. We have two boys, 2 and 5 yrs old. I wish I had enough strength for them, but I don't. I am thinking I will CTB as soon as my meto gets here, Dec 3rd. I am counting down the days.

If you had wrote a girl rather than 2 boys I would of swore to god that you and me where the same person. My reply to this thread would of read the exact same as yours. My date is the 29th Nov, wishing you peace and sending love at this dark hour.

 

[Sael]

Im filled with lots of emotions, although I have everything I need to ctb I still have a few things i must do before I leave.
These days have been heavy, very vivid nightmares/dreams with unrecognized people, tearful at night mostly crying myself to sleep. I'm spending these few days at Mom's house and have spent lots of time with my little brother mostly playing videogames I enjoy watching him be a little kid and laughing at silly things.

The end is very near for me and as the day gets closer the days get heavy.
I'm disappointed with myself.