Discussion For those who are lonely, do you try to meet people?

[Dr Iron Arc]

Reddit seems to have worked for me but it took months and it was a very bumpy road…

 

[Forever Sleep]

No, not anymore. I don't really care anymore lol. I used to have a lot of friends and go out a lot, but now I have no friends and never go out. I do have "friends" at work, but the closest one to my age is 10 years older than me (I'm 26 with no kids, they all are older women with kids and families) so they all have their own cliques that I don't fit in with since they're older and at different stages of life that I just don't relate to. So even at work, I'm pretty lonely. We do talk though and get along fine, but that's the extent of my social life. I'm not close with my family so there's really nothing in the way of that either. Not dating. No pets either, so essentially it's just me, myself, and I. It used to be really painful feeling so alone, but I'm at peace with it now as I don't plan on being around much longer. What's the point of making new friends when I'm not going to be around much longer? So now I don't really go out of my way to meet people or care much. I just fill my time watching movies and shows or TikToks and count down the days I have left on earth. It becomes easier when you find peace with being lonely instead of being sad about it.

I'm very similar to you. Not that I was ever a social butterfly. But yes, I think it gets more complicated as we age. I'm of the age that most friends now have families, children etc. Plus, when I used to work alongside others, it was the same. I also found I couldn't really relate so well. Plus, it was triggering for me hearing mothers talk, seeing as my Mum died when I was 3. I don't know, it just weirdly stired things up.

I do still have some childless friends who have more time to keep in touch. Plus, we relate to one another more. Maybe depressing but, I think some of my strongest friendships were/ are with people with mutually understood problems! We live so far apart now though.

I also feel morally better about not forming new contacts if I'm likely to CTB. It just doesn't seem fair. Plus, I don't want reasons or obligations to stay here now.

I'm also fortunate I suppose though in that I went through accepting being alone to actively appreciating it. I don't know that it will last of course but then, I've been ok for multiple years now so, hopefully it should.

 

[quins]

Not particularly. I'd hypothesized long ago that once you reach a certain age, once you pass some elect point in the past at which "networking" comes easiest, the effort thereafter to connect with others becomes too extraneous and humiliating. I live in one of the lower administrative points of [undisclosed location], which I settled into after years of moving around and observing mostly the same diffidence to life in all countries which exceed a certain standard-of-living threshold. Streets are highly decorative, not with Mardi Gras shit but telephone lines, thoroughfares and intersections, as if local bureaucracy had reabsorbed all the really good community-balanced stuff. It's easier if you're younger and you have access to young people I suppose, and honestly even if I was still young I wouldn't have the faintest idea where to go or who I could meet if I were starting from scratch. Life isn't a Joachim Trier movie where you can slip into cocktail parties unannounced and find a partner just like that. Or at least that isn't the case for me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Not particularly. I'd hypothesized long ago that once you reach a certain age, once you pass some elect point in the past at which "networking" comes easiest, the effort thereafter to connect with others becomes too extraneous and humiliating. I live in one of the lower administrative points of [undisclosed location], which I settled into after years of moving around and observing mostly the same diffidence to life in all countries which exceed a certain standard-of-living threshold. Streets are highly decorative, not with Mardi Gras shit but telephone lines, thoroughfares and intersections, as if local bureaucracy had reabsorbed all the really good community-balanced stuff. It's easier if you're younger and you have access to young people I suppose, and honestly even if I was still young I wouldn't have the faintest idea where to go or who I could meet if I were starting from scratch. Life isn't a Joachim Trier movie where you can slip into cocktail parties unannounced and find a partner just like that. Or at least that isn't the case for me.

That's a really interesting observation. That technology has replaced community in a sense. Weird really isn't it? We're more connected digitally than we ever have been yet, so many of us feel isolated.

 

[GuyWhoDiesin2025]

ABSOLUTELY! I'm on TONS of different dating sites, have TONS of pictures and videos of me posted all over the internet but have not found anyone! it makes me really mad because i seriously have exhausted every single option i have. people also always slip away way too easily. i seriously feel like this world has nothing to offer me

 

[quins]

That's a really interesting observation. That technology has replaced community in a sense. Weird really isn't it? We're more connected digitally than we ever have been yet, so many of us feel isolated.

It is technology in a way, but I can't really speak from the perspective of a younger person who frequents that stuff. It creates a schism between the generations, I suppose. In all honesty, I've been isolated for a number of years now and that hasn't really changed since the universalization of social media. But I do know that it's a lot harder to find people up-and-about ready to socialize at the drop of a hat, unless you're frequenting some club or other, at least compared to the period when I was that age. But that depends on geography, mainly.

 

[Forever Sleep]

ABSOLUTELY! I'm on TONS of different dating sites, have TONS of pictures and videos of me posted all over the internet but have not found anyone! it makes me really mad because i seriously have exhausted every single option i have. people also always slip away way too easily. i seriously feel like this world has nothing to offer me

Are there any clubs or organisations to join in your area? Anything really- tennis, rambling, painting, a lecture series- whatever- where you are physically in the presence of others and talking to them? I know that can be terrifying for some of us. It would be for me but then, I feel like- if it's something someone actually wants- that's more like trying everything rather than only trying online.

It's almost like jobs in a way. Do you simply sign up to all the job agencies and, if they fail, decide you've done all you can? No- you probably need to do more research. Contact companies directly, explore other avenues.

The problem online is you're competing with millions of others. It just looks too much like shopping to me! Scrolling and swiping. Not to say people can't form relationships that way but, it's not the only avenue.

I think being in a place with a finite amount of people. Even sitting next to someone on a long coach trip, you are almost forced to talk to one another! Hopefully, if you're both attending something you're interested in, you have that shared interest to talk about.

I suppose I see online as possibly being fickle sometimes by its very nature. What really holds our attention for that long? We're always on to the next thing. I guess it's different if people are using it as a tool to form serious relationships. I don't know. I never pursued it that far.

 

[Archness]

No, I've learned it's essentially hopeless to really connect with others.

If it doesn't "Just Happen", then it's not. Going out-of-the-way really doesn't help.

 

[Squiggles3]

no I don't see a point. I have my three dogs and there more than enough. People are horrible. Even the "nice" ones are often not nice just polite while being as cruel and selfish as everyone else.

 

[bankai]

I don't want the anguish that people can bring sometimes. That being said, I have met good people too. I don't know if I want to be alone forever.

 

[PrismHon]

No I do not. I get very lonely, but I can't interact with people very well, autistic as well. Pain from interacting with people is worse. So I pick the lesser of two evils.

 

[Gorbolflungus]

I'm in a weird place. I feel lonely sometimes but yet still I have no motivation to talk to people.

 

[Greyhawk]

I suffer from loneliness pretty bad. I'm trying to work on my social anxiety but it's so bad that I have trouble even just going outside. I also have bad social skills and negative experiences with people (being bullied etc.) so I often feel like giving up.

 

[manicstreetbeeper]

i'm not really good with people, i'm very socially awkward and anxious. i'd really like friendships or ideally something more in my life (which might be too chaotic and unstable for a partner, but, nevertheless), i do fear rejection and criticism quite a bit so i find it's just easier to stay away.

 

[livershapedbox]

Being seen by other people makes me uncomfortable by itself since I'm deformed, and interacting with people usually brings constant reminders of it even when they aren't mean about it. I have some friends left but rarely hangout with them anymore for this reason, it's a coinflip on if I'll feel slightly better or much worse by the end of it and idk if that's worth it

 

[attheend13]

Being seen by other people makes me uncomfortable by itself since I'm deformed, and interacting with people usually brings constant reminders of it even when they aren't mean about it. I have some friends left but rarely hangout with them anymore for this reason, it's a coinflip on if I'll feel slightly better or much worse by the end of it and idk if that's worth it

The biggest trouble is that if you talk or share you're a burden or playing the victim so there's actually no version of things where you can be close to others if you're broken. There's no version of things where you are able to connect which is the cure to lonliness. For people like me there's only lonliness. There's no way to let people in when you're so deeply flawed. It's when they connect they realize you're a liability. I've learned that distance is my friend and my enemy. No one who knows me loves me. What passes for love is actually distance. The less you know, right? If I meet someone good I spare them my friendship or god forbid my love. There's no such thing as love. The only love that hasn't shattered me is my kids and I get to be their burden to bear. Thanks universe.

 

[wham311]

I don't bond well and don't like people much. I hate it but it's how I am. I just want out

 

[rururiruru]

simply dont, its weird that being lonely is hurtful yet constantly bombarded with social activity is also hurtful

 

[Forever Sleep]

simply dont, its weird that being lonely is hurtful yet constantly bombarded with social activity is also hurtful

I agree, it's a particularly cruel combination.

 

[Scythe]

I've managed to adapt and just not give a shit. (My spite for humans contribute) At one point I used to care, but it was more I felt I didn't belong and wanted some community. I did also want companionship, but I wanted to belong because I am autisic and real life people don't like that.
Now it doesn't matter, nothing much matters to me anymore.

 

[astonishedturnip]

Yes. It doesn't work often.

The MeetUps and groups in my area are almost exclusively stuff like Christian Singles Over 50, online psychology lectures, business classes fronting as social groups, online speed dating scams, and "hangouts" that are just 2 people and get cancelled each time.

I enjoy going to concerts, festivals, fairs, art shows, art classes... Pretty much everyone is there with their friends or partner. I do try to strike up conversation if we're both in line or at the same thing, etc., and that's nice, but they're clearly not there to make friends, at least not with the weird rando they met in line at the port-a-potty.

I try taking classes when they're offered and not too big of a hassle to drive. The community ed classes were pretty much all retirees who hated me being there. I was part of an art club last year in a city I liked, and it was a great way to socialize, but they haven't run anything in at least 8 months because the owner's been dealing with some sidequests. In my own city, classes are for little kids or senior citizens, no in-between. No beer leagues or athletic clubs. I became a member at the city's art museum and was told, only after paying the yearly membership fee, that all the events were pretty much exclusively lectures, at 1pm during the work week, lmao.

I don't stop trying of course, but I do try. I just get high hopes and feel excited, doll up before going out, put my best foot forward, etc. and just end up alone. It really sucks. I wish meeting people as as easy as some make it look.

 

[Amile]

Sometimes i feel somewhat lonely, but i'm really, really asocial and always has been all though my life, to the point where the few interactions with my sisters and mom are enough, i guess this is one more way in how my autistic traits manifest.
Although I'm one of the most isolated people i know i rarely ever felt loneliness; even, discounting my shut in phase all the time i interacted and talked more that i liked, since kindergarten the teachers called my parents for being too lonely even when i did not feel anything wrong and isolated by myself, I ever initiated interactions purposefully a very few dozen times in all my life and even in that conditions i somewhat earned friends in high school (although i did not really fully conect with them, i never conected ever actually)
In the internet I'm just as asocial, believe it or not this account with 22 posts in 5 years is one of the most active i ever had and most of the time i do not interact at all more than just lurking or giving reactions, i never used social media, i do not play any multiplayer games and if any my only interactions online are done thought IBs.

Lately (like the last year) i started to feel hints of actual loneliness feelings and i guess they in my case are beneficial as they are one of the things that make me move and gives any impulse to do any action.

Hell, seven seeing how i redact my posts i can feel how much an alien i am, but i prefer it to be in that way to having to feel all the loneliness in all their weight, it sounds like hell and like i could not stand it. If i somewhat get through until old age i probably will be one of those people that go to the forest and became full hermits.

 

[lovedread]

I do but it goes poorly/end up getting rejected :( i think it's a sign for me to stop trying

 

[LigottiIsRight]

I've passed years affected by loneliness, with an intense and really annoying desire of meeting new people similar to me and have more active social life. I tried to meet people in apps, but didn't work out well. I got to meet a few people, and only one of them interested me enough to want to keep seeing her and try to form a friendship, but in the long run it didn't work out.
In short, anything that involves other people is a bummer, and I think it's better to try to get used, as much as possible, to solitude, to be able to do and enjoy things without company. Fortunately, it worked for me, I've been happy for years with the relationships I already have, even if they are very few, and without interest in forming others.

 

[NonEssential]

I've been at scheduled events for young adults to hang out at, that happen ever two weeks. I barely manage to actually socialize in those, but I did somehow manage to ask for a girl's whatsapp. She replies to my messages pretty slowly and seemingly not a lot of enthusiasm, so I assume she isn't very interested in me and I don't really want to bother her if that's the case.
In a couple days there's the last hangout. I'll see if I can ask her if that's the last time we see each other or not.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Yes. I do my best to try to meet new people. However, I don't think I'm really compatible with most people.