For those waiting to catch the bus

[dead lightbulb]

The process of leaving this life is something we all experience, whether or not we bring it upon ourselves.

The overbearing problem of existing taunts you alongside it's ever so present solution: death.

And it goes without saying but.. it's difficult. Voluntarily killing yourself is difficult. It's difficult to contemplate, to plan, to go through with.

Even after all we go through, most don't want to go through with the process of death. We idly stand in a place between "living" and "leaving".

There are many different reasons that vary from person to person.

Fear is what keeps many of us here. Fear of leaving those you love behind.
Fear of leaving no one behind, and having no one to write a heartfelt eulogy for you.
Fear of the unknown. Fear of eternal damnation. Fear of reincarnation.

And on the flip side, many fear never doing it. "What if I continue to chicken out until it's too late and I'm lying on my death bed?.."
"What if I've wasted all this time being suicidal, just to never do it?......"

It's more than okay to be afraid. The fear of death is a natural and rudimentary part of the human experience.

Whether or not you choose to die, whether it's today or in a few years, we're all allowed to fear it.

Your suicidal thoughts aren't invalid if you have every material need met.
They aren't invalid if you've suffered with them for decades.
They aren't invalid if you don't act upon them, and never plan to.
They aren't invalid if you have a family you need to take care of.
They aren't invalid if you struggle with your mental health.
They aren't invalid because you haven't gone through with it yet.

Being suicidal doesn't have a set criteria that needs to be met. It doesn't have a look. It can take hold in the mind of anyone. It's not irrational. You're not irrational. Life is.

If you're still waiting to catch the bus.. I just want you to know you're far from alone. Many have chosen to end their lives but far more have only contemplated it. It's okay to be in that majority.

You may have thoughts about being a coward because you haven't gone through with it yet. But you're quite the opposite for being on this god-forsaken earth this long. So wait as long as you need to.

And from one suicidal stranger to another, I wish you good luck on your journey

 

[sevenkarmas]

Not only fear, but hope as well in some cases.
Hope that the person or people that have hurt you want reconciliation. In my case, I put a deadline of early January. I want to give them the opportunity to reach out. I've done everything I can do. I wrote multiple letters. I traveled cross-country. I have done everything I could do. My hope is that they reach out prior to my CTB. I felt like giving them that time may result in them reaching out or at least acknowledging me. I'm sure other people are in similar situations where they hope it improves. At some point, you just get too tired. You stop hoping and you ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

Thank you for sharing. I think that for me, the only thing that could ever be close to a relief is the fact that no matter what, this will all end someday. Whether we ctb now or die at a later date it all just leads to the same point, as our only fate as humans is to die and this is undeniable.

Once we are gone, I believe that whatever we fear and whatever this existence has burdened us with will be long forgotten about and this is ideal to me. I believe that death shouldn't be feared, as there is simply no point to doing so. There is no escaping it and at least to me the only thing that is to be feared is this existence with the unlimited potential for suffering and torture. Because of how horrific and tedious existing can be, the thought of being dead has always been such a comfort.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think that for me, the only thing that could ever be close to a relief is the fact that no matter what, this will all end someday.

This is so true. It's kind of strange really because I grew up being told my loved ones past were now in heaven and that I would get to see them again one day. (Presumably if I was 'good'- I suspect I've already failed the test.) That used to comfort me but now, I can't think of anything worse than living forever!- Even if it was in heaven with my family. It is indeed a far greater comfort to think everything will be over one day... Forever Sleep.

I love your post OP. It's very reassuring and almost poetic.

 

[Wunderkind]

Thanks for your thread. It inspires and, to some extent, calms.

 

[TAW122]

Great post and yes, that summarizes a lot of the feelings that are present when one is confronted between living and dying. The survival instinct is a big factor in hindering one's willingness to CTB and those that are successful oftenly overcome their SI and have just enough time to go through with their attempt. I also agree that life itself is irrational as there is no objective reason to why life is considered good or positive, but much evidence to show that life is full of suffering from birth (conception) to death (non-existence).

 

[arrowheads]

Thank you for your post, it's beautifully written.

I have been teetering on the "in between" of living or leaving for what feels like my entire life, at this point. I know nothing else. I just hope I can make a decision of whether to stay or not and stick to it.
I wish that I was able to accept that I just may always be suicidal but living in those conditions for the rest of my life, however long that may be, is something I'm not prepared to deal with. To be stuck yearning for a release without gaining the courage to step forward and follow through.

 

[Wannagonow]

Thanks for such a well written post. I especially liked your thought about those contemplating to ctb but have never taken that final step as have others. Made me feel a little less like a loser.

 

[theboy]

Thnks

 

[Echo]

Thank you for posting this. I'm stuck between not wanting to live but not wanting to ctb either right now but suicidal thoughts consume me like a sense of relief there is a way out if life gets too rough. I always hope for an accident to happen and go that way.

 

[miserabledaze]

This. This is much appreciated. ❤

 

[Unlovable98]

I don't know why i can't let go. my parents don't care. the fact they continue to abuse me proves that. yet im consumed by fears of how my suicide would affect others on top of SI. I don't want to hurt others when i ctb but idk how i can without… A rock and a hard place, truly…

That said thank you for your kind words. I didn't realize how much i needed to hear them.

 

[zeenatax]

Very interesting post.