The fact I could kill myself used to be a thought that just hung out in the back of my head as a way out if things ever got too bad, but slowly it's started to become more and more prominent in my mind. Like, now I feel like I've rationally justified that in the long term it's probably just going to be the best option for me (I have BPD and chronic pain and things have gradually gotten more and more unbearable for years), yet I can only feel this way for a few to several hours in a day and there's usually a period of time where I don't really want to do it or I'm distracted by something or whatever. Has it eventually gotten to the point where it's literally all you're thinking about? And do you think it would have to get to that point for you to actually go through with it?
SI not much of a burden to me,losing my girlfriend to death, and,with little family left, SI is not much of an obstacle---Today,as an example,saw hundreds of boats filled with happy people cruising the blue green intracoastal waterway today, people in a joyous mood, beaches are packed here in Florida,crystal clear blue skies--so what? I'm still miserably emotionless about anything, she's not here to see it(or anything else) with me--July 4th today,we used to go to different towns to see the fireworks each year.....always had fun together...but now,going on 6 months,my life is just one big empty nothing
I overcame survival instinct and made a real suicide attempt at 19. It was not difficult at all under the circumstances. I had fucked myself up physically and was living back home with my parents. I had literally nothing, just a life stopped dead in its tracks with seemingly no way out and no way forward. I think the time between planning and carrying it out was maybe a couple days.
Now I'm middle aged and somehow I've again fucked myself up with no way out and no way forward. But this time I am surrounded by a lifetime of my own effort and engineering. Many things I didn't appreciate until now. So many things. And I think that contributes to SI, it's hard to throw away a lifetime of learning and perspective. Something about this holiday weekend has turned a corner for me though and it is all I'm thinking about now.
Now I'm middle aged and somehow I've again fucked myself up with no way out and no way forward. But this time I am surrounded by a lifetime of my own effort and engineering. Many things I didn't appreciate until now. So many things. And I think that contributes to SI, it's hard to throw away a lifetime of learning and perspective. Something about this holiday weekend has turned a corner for me though and it is all I'm thinking about now.
Everyone's survival instinct probably varies in intensity and for a majority of suicides it's probably not something that has been completely overcome, but instead was just enough for the act to take place. I am resigned to CTB but I still have an SI kick in when I think of eternal non existence.
Yeah, what you said in the second paragraph I unfortunately feel. I like myself as a person and feel proud of what I've accomplished in the arts and there are things I want to do with my life, but I'm suffering so much physically and mentally from this disorder all the time, I'm beyond horrible at relationships of all sorts and I find myself going back and forth between complete isolation and more pain, I've tried antidepressants/therapy and nothing seems to stick at all, and I've completely lost hope that I will ever actually FEEL better, maybe I'll experience or accomplish cool things I appreciate to a degree but I don't feel like it's worth it anymore. Unfortunately I feel like the fact that I still actually have interests is going to keep me from actually doing anything, and I'm only going to keep suffering down the line
