Discussion For how long you been suicidal?

[helfire]

I don't know really. I can't remember the first time I thought about suicide.
But if I have to take a guess I'd say it's been around 20 years now. I'm gonna be 33 next month.
I tried to kill myself a few times over the years, I tried to harm myself pretty badly too, and I managed to. I've had some good years, years that I felt ok and like I could deal with life. But most of the time I just can't, it's starting to get more and more unbearable and I think I'm getting real tired at this point. I exhausted basically all the options and the only thing I can do is start to try them all over again if I decide to stay.

 

[rntmss]

I first attempted to OD on Gravol when I was 13 years old. I was in a special program (thousands of kids applied, only a few hundred got in) that specialized in tech. I went from being one of the smartest kids in my old school with lots of friends and easy workload, to being constantly called the "dumb kid" in the program. I just couldn't handle the work load. Instead of dropping out and going back to my old school, I just kept going because I didn't want to embarass my parents.

Had a lot of behavioral issues pop up during this time. Would constantly get into arguments with my teachers and parents.

The night I OD'd (I must have taken 30 or 40 Gravol), I ended up wandering around the house and fell into a bookshelf and smashed my nose... the bookshelf fell on top of me and broke my collar bone. Spent a week in a psych ward on the other end of the city.

Got back into baseball that summer and that really turned my life around. I won MVP of the league even though I took a 3 year break from baseball. I was a really good athlete.

The next 3 years were really good to me. Didn't try anything again until I was 17... again, tried ODing on Gravol. Wasn't even hospitalized this time. My mother (a nurse) just kept an eye on me even though I was tripping balls and thought everyone was dressed up as Elvis.

Met the love of my life the next year and everything was fine up until I was 26. Accomplished so much shit before then too. Played in multiple rock bands and wrote a short album, Went to college, got married, bought my first car, had my first car die in an accident, bought a second car, rented my first apartment.

Ever since I was 26, it's been a constant draw on my mind. It's always hanging out in the back that "maybe it's time to leave this earth". Ended up getting into drugs and drinking, hookers and strippers, and it eventually cost me my marriage. Absolutely my fault. She begged me to get help multiple times over our marriage/relationship. She knew I had a history of "losing my shit" and making bad decisions but she eventually had enough (rightfully so). Had my biggest attempt last year before we seperated. Took a whole concoction of pills mixed up while in the shower. Then realized I didn't want to die... crawled out the bathroom and got her to call 911.


Sorry... got carried away here. lol

TL;DR: Been on and off suicidal since I was 13... almost consistently since I was 26

 

[DeathNoot]

Just over 10 years

 

[SimplyTopHat]

Ever since I was a kid- somewhere around 9/10 (3rd grade).
So 19/20 years... & I've attempted 5+ times already.

 

[Abaigh]

2/3 years

 

[akrasia]

Since I was in middle school, I was 13-14 years old.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

the thought that i'd likely end up killing myself began in like 2015-2016. then as time went on, the thoughts became more realistic and urgent to the point where im almost ready to follow through.

 

[Pol]

on and off, 20 or so years

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Since I wanted to die. My life is a joke too.

 

[Letmego. Please]

Umm off an on as the depression has returned since I was 13, I'll be 49 soon so I guess the answer is a bloody long time, but with plenty of happy undepressed years in-between.

It just take a toll on a person & the thought of 'recovery' for a few years followed by the same happening again seems like the old saying of repeating the same actions over & again, expecting different results, is insanity.

 

[funkyratlad]

About three years, only got diagnosed a year ago

 

[Scooby-Doo]

When I was 19 I took a load of paracetamol. It was touch and go whether I lived and I wish I didn't now. Wouldn't advice anybody to do this it was very painful even though they where pain killers.

 

[TAW122]

Well over a decade, been actively suicidal during my early to late twenties on and off. 2019 I was actively suicidal for a while, then went passive then active, then passive again for a short time. As of 2020, I have made peace with my decision that I will ultimately die from CTB.

 

[Cashewmilk]

Officially 17 years. Longer with thoughts and wishes but have been attempting for 17 years. Tried pills at 14 (it was painful but the doctors said I could have died ‍), methadone in my 20s, and partial hanging so many times in my late 20s I lost count, the noose hung permanently from my shower door bar for 8 months.

 

[RottenDeer]

Depends on how you see suicidal. I am thinking about it at least once a day, how easy and freeing it would be to just end the pain I'm in.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I became a borderline suicidal case for the first time ever during the summer of 2018 and from May of 2019 a "definitely going to fucking do it" one. I've stalled for so long because I'm just collecting government checks to do things that I never got to do before I kick it. I'd stalled not because I fear death but because the good things I'm sacrificing by giving up and of those that I care about hurting kills me everyday. Of holding out for years because I believed that it would get better some day and it looked like it did but it all suddenly turned to ash and slipped through my fingers because of one tragic mistake I'd made several years ago. It's very hard to come to terms with the fact that the future outlook from that point on has been looking very grim.

 

[woxihuanni]

Since mama made me with daddy's genes. Child rape is much better than that sort of atrocity.

 

[Supersadmommy90]

A little over a year since I've been actively ideating and making the occasional attempt. I'd say about 13-14 months ago things started to get real. Last summer things got really bad and I made several attempts. Last attempt was in January. Been letting It ride but I still think about ctb every day.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I'd say it started when I was around 12 or 13. 20 years later and it's still going strong. I'll probably be battling my depression for the rest of my life and I've accepted it. I'm not going to let it stop me from atleast trying to recover.

 

[nightnight]

Just over 10 years. I'm 30 now.

 

[AnonymouslyBlue]

3 years come the end of this month. I have moments where it's not a constant thought but it's there, and as of late it's all that I can think about.

 

[Squiddy]

It's been on and off since I was 14.

 

[s1mplem3]

Maybe whole life, who knows, I just made myself illusion that everything's fine but I can't anymore, I just have to accept my life as is.

 

[TVO90]

Just over 10 years. I'm 30 now.

Literally the exact same.

 

[BlackPoppet]

Since I was 16 years old. I'm 41 now. Actually I was bullied in school so probably been depressed since the age of 13.

 

[Jon]

I've considered suicide as an option for about eight years, now I'm in my last phase I think. My advice to everyone is don't glamorise it, or think it's easy because others have done it. I've done some experimentation, including going to some popular jumping sites and looked over, and I just wish to God I could turn back time. In a nutshell, I deliberately put myself in a precarious situation just so I would have a good reason to end my life, but it really does require an awful lot of courage. I thought the compression method (as described in the Five Last Acts) would be easy, but it isn't, and I aborted that (I used the gym elastic band variation). Though I'm committed now to see it through, though I I do advise others to give life another chance, and see if you can avoid having to take it.

 

[Clut]

On and off, 15 years. My suicidal intentions have been coming in fits and starts for a long, long time. Some episodes a lot longer than others. At this precise moment in time I'm not suicidal due to the worry of unsettling my cats. However I'm comforted to know that I've decided my method and have the wherewithal to execute it should things become unmanageable. I think inevitably I will ctb because I can't bear the unpredictable nature of being OK, then awful, then great, then awful again, then OK again, it's horribly exhausting. I can't imagine going on however many years like it. I think if I'd been constantly suidical for the full 15 years I would have ctb'ed but strange periods of wellness have given me hope, in the past. However I now see this for what it is so when the time is right, I know I can ctb quickly

 

[waterbottleman]

Since July 2019

I remember very clearly what caused me to become suicidal and it was a sudden realization about my life.

Crazy how a mere random thought can change your entire perspective on life, good or bad.

 

[Wenzdayaddams]

Just over 10 years. I'm 30 now.

I think you have to post a certain amount of threads for me to pm you