Venting Five month break, back to square one.

[mallows]

I haven't logged in here in five months. I considered it once or twice, but I felt as though my life was actually improving for the first time in years.
I've moved away from my shitty step parents, I'm going out more, I'm making friends, I'm medicated, but it always goes back to the way it was.
I'm tighter on money than I've ever been, I consistently fuck up any friendships I form due to my inability to feel or express any emotions properly, and I always drive people away no matter how hard I try to be as kind as I can be. I feel like I'm being torn apart. I don't think my meds are working as they should be.

I'm so fucking tired. I'm exhausted. I try and try and try to dig myself out of the pit I'm in but I'm just falling further and further. my fingers are bleeding. I don't know how much longer I can handle this.

I don't want my housemate finding me when I ctb. I'll save up for a hotel and send a text or something.

I wish SN wasn't as restricted in Australia. I think Christmas may be my deadline again.
ive tried to ctb so many times at this point I fear I may be immortal.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling tired of suffering in this existence but anyway I wish you the best.