LocalAngel
Lost, wanting out.
- Feb 7, 2023
- 216
Hi. Didn't think i'd ever be able to actually find a site like this, even though i've been looking for... at least 4 years, off and on. Anyway.
We're a system of 70+, diagnosed. This makes the topic of suicidal thoughts, planning and such very complicated for us. With that being said, we've had thoughts for about 7 years, recollection wise. And now i'm just... in a state of being passively suicidal again.
How in the fuck am i meant to cope with the world going to absolute shit? I briefly liked the idea of having children at one point, to give my life some sort of meaning. Now i think that's a horrible death sentence for them, and honestly, morally for me, very awful.
I don't know how to cope with years and years of trauma. Or how to push these thoughts to one side. If i were to actually try and attempt, it would have to be swift. As likely, another system member would try and stop me, as well as SI. I've researched plenty, but... gonna need to do some more.
I don't think my time has come yet. But honestly, if someone handed me a loaded gun? I'd contemplate CTB, heavily.
I am trying to see a psychiatrist soon. I am very doubtful they can help. They'll probably try and load me up on drugs to numb me, which i'll refuse for a number of reasons. I am only trying for my partner, and that is it. I'm bound to the idea that i will not die of natural causes at this point.
We're a system of 70+, diagnosed. This makes the topic of suicidal thoughts, planning and such very complicated for us. With that being said, we've had thoughts for about 7 years, recollection wise. And now i'm just... in a state of being passively suicidal again.
How in the fuck am i meant to cope with the world going to absolute shit? I briefly liked the idea of having children at one point, to give my life some sort of meaning. Now i think that's a horrible death sentence for them, and honestly, morally for me, very awful.
I don't know how to cope with years and years of trauma. Or how to push these thoughts to one side. If i were to actually try and attempt, it would have to be swift. As likely, another system member would try and stop me, as well as SI. I've researched plenty, but... gonna need to do some more.
I don't think my time has come yet. But honestly, if someone handed me a loaded gun? I'd contemplate CTB, heavily.
I am trying to see a psychiatrist soon. I am very doubtful they can help. They'll probably try and load me up on drugs to numb me, which i'll refuse for a number of reasons. I am only trying for my partner, and that is it. I'm bound to the idea that i will not die of natural causes at this point.
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