NotSoEnchanted
Member
- Dec 26, 2025
- 26
I did the hike that first responders will have to make to recover my body today. Obviously not the exact path, but I wanted to get an idea of how tough it will be, along with view the Mesa from below in the relative 'landing zone'. I thought this trip would make me feel confident about my choice to jump here and further cement my plans, but I feel more conflicted than ever. I also feel deeply guilty in regards to the hassle it will be to extract my mangled corpse.
It started with a bittersweet and slightly sickening feeling as I began the uphill journey, with my bounding and carefree dog running ahead of me. It felt wrong to bring him along with me for this. I found myself avoiding eye contact with him as he was just so happy to be out there, way happier than usual. Right out the gate there was multiple large rocks I had to clamber up, and lots of technical maneuvers to avoid eating shit. The entire thing was essentially all uphill through loose rocks, picking my way around boulders, while trying to find the path of least resistance. There was one decent flat part, about halfway through the ascent. It was there I found the remains of a cougar kill, sun bleached cow bones scattered underneath a collection of junipers. This made me feel unsettled, but also a bit impressed as that was quite a ways for the cougar to drag its corpse.
I continued on as the elevation gain with little to no respite began burning my lungs and weakening my limbs. Rocks crunching and grinding together under my boots, trying not to fall, thinking of how awful it's going to be for others to carry my body across this terrain. Every time I lost my footing/almost fell, I thought of how easy I have it compared to them. The terrain got steeper as I neared the base of the Mesa, and I was starting to run out of steam. I was lightheaded, my bad knee rung with pain, and we were loosing daylight fast. I pushed on to make my way to a large rock I had deemed close enough, and climbed ontop to take in the view.
It was then things quickly devolved into a heavy feeling of conflict and anxiety. Seeing the Mesa from this angle revealed that the swiss cheese like holes could be a problem, and the Mesa is not as vertical as it appears from a distance. There's some ledges, holes I could fall into halfway down, and a rock shelf near the base that would make retrieval even harder. I began doubting the height, while as this Mesa is strikingly tall, it's not Rio Grande Gorge Bridge tall. This bridge was my original plan, however an influx in suicides led to them closing pedestrian access to the bridge. They also have 2 crisis trained security guards patrolling the area 24/7. Because of this RGGB was put on the back burner and this Mesa moved to the front.
Despite the obstacles I was able to pin point two promising spots, and decided that once the gate opens back up in April, I'll make the journey to the top again with a laser distance meter to measure the potential jump sites. I think being able to measure the distance will increase my confidence, and it will be good to analyze the Mesa from the top with a method mindset rather than my previous scenic mindset.
I'll spare you the recounts of the grueling journey down, aside from the fact it was significantly harder. The hike altogether took about an hour and a half, so not too far but obviously not ideal for first responders. I do know the retrieval process would be better here rather than the Gorge Bridge though. There's more room for error here, whereas the Gorge journey is very dangerous and re-traumatizes both first responders and those who lost their love ones at the bridge.
Despite this all I still feel a strong call to jump from the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge. The Mesa not entirely meeting my ideals only increased this conflict of choice. It would be very easy to dissociate and make the drive out there in the evening, arrive at night, and quickly park my car in the center of the bridge before making the dash to the 4-foot metal rail. I would do so in the dark to minimize SI, as plunging into the abyss without seeing the bridge in daylight feels easier. I know the bridge is tall, I don't need to see or feel this for myself in person.
I wish laying my body to rest and freeing my spirit wasn't so hard. After a failed attempt in which I genuinely shouldn't have survived, nor came out of my low prognosis coma, I don't trust any other method aside from one that's violent and completely destroys my body. I'm coming to terms with the fact that death will not be peaceful for me, but it's still hard and makes me sad. Sad for myself, sad for my family, sad for those who recover me.
So for now, I wait, ruminate on the location, and continue to suffer until spring, while curbing my urges to jump from the Gorge Bridge.
The Mesa
Overhang that would help ensure a relatively straight shot down
View of the same location from the top
The dirt road below. I'm well above the tree line at this point
Harsh terrain, and very steep. I imagine this is where they would park to start the journey up, just as I did
Apologies in advanced if the format is trashed. This is my first time posting to a thread and despite being young, I'm not that tech savvy.
It started with a bittersweet and slightly sickening feeling as I began the uphill journey, with my bounding and carefree dog running ahead of me. It felt wrong to bring him along with me for this. I found myself avoiding eye contact with him as he was just so happy to be out there, way happier than usual. Right out the gate there was multiple large rocks I had to clamber up, and lots of technical maneuvers to avoid eating shit. The entire thing was essentially all uphill through loose rocks, picking my way around boulders, while trying to find the path of least resistance. There was one decent flat part, about halfway through the ascent. It was there I found the remains of a cougar kill, sun bleached cow bones scattered underneath a collection of junipers. This made me feel unsettled, but also a bit impressed as that was quite a ways for the cougar to drag its corpse.
I continued on as the elevation gain with little to no respite began burning my lungs and weakening my limbs. Rocks crunching and grinding together under my boots, trying not to fall, thinking of how awful it's going to be for others to carry my body across this terrain. Every time I lost my footing/almost fell, I thought of how easy I have it compared to them. The terrain got steeper as I neared the base of the Mesa, and I was starting to run out of steam. I was lightheaded, my bad knee rung with pain, and we were loosing daylight fast. I pushed on to make my way to a large rock I had deemed close enough, and climbed ontop to take in the view.
It was then things quickly devolved into a heavy feeling of conflict and anxiety. Seeing the Mesa from this angle revealed that the swiss cheese like holes could be a problem, and the Mesa is not as vertical as it appears from a distance. There's some ledges, holes I could fall into halfway down, and a rock shelf near the base that would make retrieval even harder. I began doubting the height, while as this Mesa is strikingly tall, it's not Rio Grande Gorge Bridge tall. This bridge was my original plan, however an influx in suicides led to them closing pedestrian access to the bridge. They also have 2 crisis trained security guards patrolling the area 24/7. Because of this RGGB was put on the back burner and this Mesa moved to the front.
Despite the obstacles I was able to pin point two promising spots, and decided that once the gate opens back up in April, I'll make the journey to the top again with a laser distance meter to measure the potential jump sites. I think being able to measure the distance will increase my confidence, and it will be good to analyze the Mesa from the top with a method mindset rather than my previous scenic mindset.
I'll spare you the recounts of the grueling journey down, aside from the fact it was significantly harder. The hike altogether took about an hour and a half, so not too far but obviously not ideal for first responders. I do know the retrieval process would be better here rather than the Gorge Bridge though. There's more room for error here, whereas the Gorge journey is very dangerous and re-traumatizes both first responders and those who lost their love ones at the bridge.
Despite this all I still feel a strong call to jump from the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge. The Mesa not entirely meeting my ideals only increased this conflict of choice. It would be very easy to dissociate and make the drive out there in the evening, arrive at night, and quickly park my car in the center of the bridge before making the dash to the 4-foot metal rail. I would do so in the dark to minimize SI, as plunging into the abyss without seeing the bridge in daylight feels easier. I know the bridge is tall, I don't need to see or feel this for myself in person.
I wish laying my body to rest and freeing my spirit wasn't so hard. After a failed attempt in which I genuinely shouldn't have survived, nor came out of my low prognosis coma, I don't trust any other method aside from one that's violent and completely destroys my body. I'm coming to terms with the fact that death will not be peaceful for me, but it's still hard and makes me sad. Sad for myself, sad for my family, sad for those who recover me.
So for now, I wait, ruminate on the location, and continue to suffer until spring, while curbing my urges to jump from the Gorge Bridge.
The Mesa
Overhang that would help ensure a relatively straight shot down
View of the same location from the top
The dirt road below. I'm well above the tree line at this point
Harsh terrain, and very steep. I imagine this is where they would park to start the journey up, just as I did
Apologies in advanced if the format is trashed. This is my first time posting to a thread and despite being young, I'm not that tech savvy.
I really appreciate the compliment as I enjoy writing. If the stars aligned differently I would have liked to be an author and share both fiction stories and my poetry.
