Hello everyone! I went through very hard times these past years and this month, especially, has been horrible. I was very close to catching the bus.
The thing that helped me was writing and writing and writing... I journal since I was around 7 years old. I wrote a lot of pages, so I'm one of the forest's worst enemies :)
I was deeply hurt by the fact that the world makes no sense at all, that there is no God (at least for me), that when you think about existence having a purpose you get to nonsense almost mathematically. I went from being in a rabbit hole of trying to improve myself, trying to systematize everything and always failing to feeling like a worm without purpose, a worm who just consumes other people's resources. I couldn't stand the whole existence being just the result of chaos. There came only one solution into my mind, and that was ctb. I tried a few times and I obviously failed.
Then I realized that if I do ctb, my father, who is sick and weakened and who cares the most about me, would die a horrible death, full of suffering. So I couldn't go... I was living like I was in a cage, not able to escape, but hating every moment of staying. At one point I simply stopped caring... and almost tried again.
But I didn't. It was this week. That night I was too tired to finish my plan. I was tired of crying, I was tired of suffering, I was tired of planning and writing and rewriting letters trying to explain my decision and trying to comfort the ones who would have had to deal with my body, the ones who cared. That night I had a strange dream, a dream who simply finished. I don't know if it's common, but my dreams don't have an end at all, like that one did. The dream ended in everyone turning into stone, nothing moving anymore and time itself stopping.
Then, the next morning, the realization hit me. So what if the world has no sense? So what if everything is ruled by chaos? One day we are all going to die anyways. Why does it matter if nothing matters? Why should I spend my last days suffering and planning? I wanted a peaceful death but even with the best methods I couldn't achieve it because I suffered. At that point I was too tired of suffering, if that makes sense. So, instead of desperately hanging on to an umbrella while it was raining, being smashed around and torn apart by the storm, I let the umbrella go and let the rain touch me, let it embrace me... "It is raining"... So what? It simply is raining. (the rain is a metaphor for chaos, the umbrella was me trying to make sense of it)
I found peace in chaos by simply accepting it.
I know that everyone's story is different, this is just my experience. I hope that you all find peace in some way and I'm very sorry about what you have to go through. No matter how many problems you have, no matter how many fucked up things you did, I want to tell you that I still find you worthy of love, worthy of having someone to listen to you, to care for you. After all, we are humans and all of these things are what make us human.
Thanks a lot for reading. I'm very curious about your stories!
The thing that helped me was writing and writing and writing... I journal since I was around 7 years old. I wrote a lot of pages, so I'm one of the forest's worst enemies :)
I was deeply hurt by the fact that the world makes no sense at all, that there is no God (at least for me), that when you think about existence having a purpose you get to nonsense almost mathematically. I went from being in a rabbit hole of trying to improve myself, trying to systematize everything and always failing to feeling like a worm without purpose, a worm who just consumes other people's resources. I couldn't stand the whole existence being just the result of chaos. There came only one solution into my mind, and that was ctb. I tried a few times and I obviously failed.
Then I realized that if I do ctb, my father, who is sick and weakened and who cares the most about me, would die a horrible death, full of suffering. So I couldn't go... I was living like I was in a cage, not able to escape, but hating every moment of staying. At one point I simply stopped caring... and almost tried again.
But I didn't. It was this week. That night I was too tired to finish my plan. I was tired of crying, I was tired of suffering, I was tired of planning and writing and rewriting letters trying to explain my decision and trying to comfort the ones who would have had to deal with my body, the ones who cared. That night I had a strange dream, a dream who simply finished. I don't know if it's common, but my dreams don't have an end at all, like that one did. The dream ended in everyone turning into stone, nothing moving anymore and time itself stopping.
Then, the next morning, the realization hit me. So what if the world has no sense? So what if everything is ruled by chaos? One day we are all going to die anyways. Why does it matter if nothing matters? Why should I spend my last days suffering and planning? I wanted a peaceful death but even with the best methods I couldn't achieve it because I suffered. At that point I was too tired of suffering, if that makes sense. So, instead of desperately hanging on to an umbrella while it was raining, being smashed around and torn apart by the storm, I let the umbrella go and let the rain touch me, let it embrace me... "It is raining"... So what? It simply is raining. (the rain is a metaphor for chaos, the umbrella was me trying to make sense of it)
I found peace in chaos by simply accepting it.
I know that everyone's story is different, this is just my experience. I hope that you all find peace in some way and I'm very sorry about what you have to go through. No matter how many problems you have, no matter how many fucked up things you did, I want to tell you that I still find you worthy of love, worthy of having someone to listen to you, to care for you. After all, we are humans and all of these things are what make us human.
Thanks a lot for reading. I'm very curious about your stories!
