I am not killing myself just yet, but will be doing it soon if things don't improve. I fucked up everything I cared about. I was clingy towards my best friend to the point where I made him uncomfortable. It was the lowest point in my point due to other reasons or so I thought, and I finally decided to ask to hug him privately when we were in a camp with other people, as I had hugged him before and he didn't seem to mind it. He laughed uncomfortably (which I thought was a sign of interest) and declined but I was very clingy. Throughout the rest of the camp, he ended up sticking with a friend he became familiar within last 2 months wherever he went, and avoided talking to me. After the camp ended, he said he wanted us to be just friends again, that he has wanted to tell me since a few months ago and just didn't know how to break it to me as I was a good friend. It seemed like he was way closer with his new friend, and me being annoying was the last straw. I thought through my actions later and apologised for what I've done, texting him that I wish that we could still be very good friends after a while as I trusted him more than anyone else. He replied 'me too', and it was fine. I can't imagine him wanting to talk to me ever again, considering how his other friend is a more interesting and intelligent person anyways. I asked him to start talking to me whenever he feels likes it again, he just left me on read and I really doubt he would be interested in doing so. And that's the story of how I pushed away the person I've cared about far more than anyone else, while everything else came crashing down.
I've been here on and off for more than a year now. Every time I thought it couldn't get any worse, life finds a way to make it worse. It's just that life likes to offer me false hope of being happy again, which eventually leads me back to the beginning but in a worse state as I reminisce the short period where I was happy. If he doesn't start talking to me within a month or so, this would be my last straw as well. I started writing my suicide note today just in case, as it would be much harder as my mental state deteriorates further. I'm more determined than ever, and even though I feel shit right now, I know either outcome would offer me peace.
I've been here on and off for more than a year now. Every time I thought it couldn't get any worse, life finds a way to make it worse. It's just that life likes to offer me false hope of being happy again, which eventually leads me back to the beginning but in a worse state as I reminisce the short period where I was happy. If he doesn't start talking to me within a month or so, this would be my last straw as well. I started writing my suicide note today just in case, as it would be much harder as my mental state deteriorates further. I'm more determined than ever, and even though I feel shit right now, I know either outcome would offer me peace.
