Venting finally planning it out

[nofun.intended]

I'm 19 and I've been living independently for the past 9 months or so. My mental health has been on the decline since 2017-2018, and around then was when I tried to CTB for the first time. I used two plastic Walmart bags tied around my head, and then secured it with some duct tape. clearly (and unfortunately), it didn't work. I was about 14ish when that went down, but I feel like I'm ready to try again. my method of choice this time around will be partial suspension with a belt lodged in my closet door.

I tested it out a couple times this morning, and the first time I kneeled down and leaned forward I immediately started feeling that dizzy, lightheaded feeling. Ofc I panicked though, cause I'm not ready to go just yet. I want to write goodbyes of some sort to different family members that have raised me throughout my childhood.

This isn't my first method of choice. At first I wanted to jump off a building, then off a bridge into the ocean, then I wanted to jump in front of the train that I recently lived near. That was my CTB method for 2.5 whole years, but I never did it... just continued cutting myself. Well, guess what? Cutting isn't doing sh*t anymore lol. They're all scarred over and starting to lose their color, which makes me sad because I can't see that I have visible damage anymore. Idk how else to explain it. But when I think about cutting myself again, I just get annoyed because honestly don't feel motivated to do it. It's a process maybe I'm not interested in.

Anyways, back to the main topic; Partial suspension with a belt. I think I'd be able to do it. I was thinking of waiting until either nighttime or when none of my roommates are home. I also had a knee sock wrapped around my neck under the belt for comfort and added pressure, but when I really do it I think I'm gonna take my necklace off first... it kept getting in the way.

Here's a picture of my Benjamin Bear. He was my beautiful model to show you guys what I did with the belt <3


His father is my ex, but we don't talk about that in front of poor Ben. My last ex made me feel like I was going insane... to the extent of having some kind of episode in the Walmart parking lot where I felt like my body & brain was going to explode. I started hitting myself and couldn't stop... I made my nose bleed on accident and couldn't believe what I was doing, what was happening. I can't do this anymore. I don't see myself growing old and being successful. I work full-time in a restaurant that I hate, but I love my co-workers like family. I see myself continuing to work dead-end job(s) until I can possibly retire, but then what? I'm gonna rot away in a retirement home until I die of old age? Yuck. Some freak accident could happen in my lifetime, but that's taking a gamble and waiting it out. I want a child of my own dearly, but I know deep down it would be better if I didn't have my own kids.

 

[FuneralCry]

The thought of old age disgusts me as well, I find it so horrific the thought of reaching that point. It's true that the human life expectancy is really far too long. And it's certainly for the best not to bring more life here into this cruel world where there is unlimited potential for suffering, I'm pleased that you don't see procreation as being beneficial as it could never be. But anyway, I wish you the best.

 

[gehlertjohansson@gm]

I'm 19 and I've been living independently for the past 9 months or so. My mental health has been on the decline since 2017-2018, and around then was when I tried to CTB for the first time. I used two plastic Walmart bags tied around my head, and then secured it with some duct tape. clearly (and unfortunately), it didn't work. I was about 14ish when that went down, but I feel like I'm ready to try again. my method of choice this time around will be partial suspension with a belt lodged in my closet door.

I tested it out a couple times this morning, and the first time I kneeled down and leaned forward I immediately started feeling that dizzy, lightheaded feeling. Ofc I panicked though, cause I'm not ready to go just yet. I want to write goodbyes of some sort to different family members that have raised me throughout my childhood.

This isn't my first method of choice. At first I wanted to jump off a building, then off a bridge into the ocean, then I wanted to jump in front of the train that I recently lived near. That was my CTB method for 2.5 whole years, but I never did it... just continued cutting myself. Well, guess what? Cutting isn't doing sh*t anymore lol. They're all scarred over and starting to lose their color, which makes me sad because I can't see that I have visible damage anymore. Idk how else to explain it. But when I think about cutting myself again, I just get annoyed because honestly don't feel motivated to do it. It's a process maybe I'm not interested in.

Anyways, back to the main topic; Partial suspension with a belt. I think I'd be able to do it. I was thinking of waiting until either nighttime or when none of my roommates are home. I also had a knee sock wrapped around my neck under the belt for comfort and added pressure, but when I really do it I think I'm gonna take my necklace off first... it kept getting in the way.

Here's a picture of my Benjamin Bear. He was my beautiful model to show you guys what I did with the belt <3
View attachment 105801

His father is my ex, but we don't talk about that in front of poor Ben. My last ex made me feel like I was going insane... to the extent of having some kind of episode in the Walmart parking lot where I felt like my body & brain was going to explode. I started hitting myself and couldn't stop... I made my nose bleed on accident and couldn't believe what I was doing, what was happening. I can't do this anymore. I don't see myself growing old and being successful. I work full-time in a restaurant that I hate, but I love my co-workers like family. I see myself continuing to work dead-end job(s) until I can possibly retire, but then what? I'm gonna rot away in a retirement home until I die of old age? Yuck. Some freak accident could happen in my lifetime, but that's taking a gamble and waiting it out. I want a child of my own dearly, but I know deep down it would be better if I didn't have my own kids.

I really want to know how it went for you, if you are still around. I understand what you are saying, I also sometimes feel like a baby would fix a lot, that you would have something to live for when you can't seem to ctb. But I also reckon that then I would be responsible for the suffering of that child, and it is truly cruel to bring someone into this world when I know what it can be like to be here.

 

[nofun.intended]

I really want to know how it went for you, if you are still around. I understand what you are saying, I also sometimes feel like a baby would fix a lot, that you would have something to live for when you can't seem to ctb. But I also reckon that then I would be responsible for the suffering of that child, and it is truly cruel to bring someone into this world when I know what it can be like to be here.

there's still things i want to get done before i decide to CTB... letters/emails to write, and i need to decide what will happen with my belongings, car, and savings. i'll probably be posting updates when i complete those tasks. i also need to decide what i want to wear when it happens.

as for me wanting to be a mother; that's exactly why! you hit the nail on the gd head... a child of my own would be a great motivator, because i would be the best mother for them. i would be nothing like my mother or father, and my child would never have to endure anything remotely close to what i had to.

however once you become a parent, you're a parent for the rest of your life. that's a huge commitment, and i don't know if it's something i can realistically handle. it would be my own child, i wouldn't be able to give it back to its parents so i can have a break because I'D BE THE PARENT

 

[gehlertjohansson@gm]

I see, (btw it almost made me smile that you have to decide what to wear, it's such a girly thing in a cute way) :) It's quite mature of you to think about all those practical things, my conscious isn't that white, I'd just leave it up to everyone else if it was me,,, Glad I could provide some opinions regarding motherhood that made you feel like I understood, it's always a nice feeling that someone gets you.

And yes I have no doubt I'd be a great mother too, but you are right then that's forever... For me it's more a fear of my body being invaded during pregnancy and all the physical stuff you have to endure. By the way I understand what you mean when you say "then that child is forever, you're a parent for the rest of your life", but it's kind of ironic that our parents felt that way too, and yet here we are not wanting to be a child they have forever... just a thought. :)

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What kinds of things have you been struggling wth that have caused your mental health to tank?

 

[nofun.intended]

I see, (btw it almost made me smile that you have to decide what to wear, it's such a girly thing in a cute way) :) It's quite mature of you to think about all those practical things, my conscious isn't that white, I'd just leave it up to everyone else if it was me,,, Glad I could provide some opinions regarding motherhood that made you feel like I understood, it's always a nice feeling that someone gets you.

And yes I have no doubt I'd be a great mother too, but you are right then that's forever... For me it's more a fear of my body being invaded during pregnancy and all the physical stuff you have to endure. By the way I understand what you mean when you say "then that child is forever, you're a parent for the rest of your life", but it's kind of ironic that our parents felt that way too, and yet here we are not wanting to be a child they have forever... just a thought. :)

both of my parents lost custodial rights to me when i was younger, and i became DCF's responsibility for the longest time. i don't want to have a child, because i don't want to fail them like my parents did. honestly, my parent's reaction to me CTB has never really crossed my mind. to put it simply... i simply don't give a flying f*ck what they think. my mother quickly chose heroin over being a mother, so she was the first to lose her rights. when i got moved with my dad, he was sexually & physically abusive. he was an alcoholic as well and his drunkenness would often add fuel to the flame.

i have an over-developed brain, i'm hypersexual, i'm depressed, and i have no more motivation to keep going. whats the point? i don't see myself making a huge difference, so what's the big deal if i CTB early, right? that's the way i see it. i'm not going to contribute that much to society, so it shouldn't matter if i "get dismissed early" or not lol.

What kinds of things have you been struggling wth that have caused your mental health to tank?

i started really hating myself in 7th and 8th grade, and it kind of just got worse from there. well, it got a little better, then got worse again lol. i moved out a week after i graduated high school because i knew that would be the best decision for me if i wanted to start getting better, because i can take better care of myself than anyone else can. its always been like that. I raised myself with the guidance of my sister thats 1.5 years older than me, since our parents were incapable of doing anything other than not giving a sh*t about us. after i moved out, i started feeling like i could be myself. i didn't feel like i had to mask all the time.

maybe that's why i feel like my mental health is worse than it used to be. i have the freedom and open space to have whatever thoughts i want, so my suppressed suicidal thoughts are coming out to play finally