RealLostSoul
once rock bottom, always rock bottom
- Oct 11, 2019
- 211
Hey, I fucking did it! I finally took the courage to order SN. I am a bit shaky right now as it felt weird, very weird. I never did anything illegal, I am a strict person who follows all laws, always selflessly trying to help others and fit in the system but I have made up my mind. I want to be euthanized. I am young but feel like an old man that's lived his whole life and lost everything. I absolutely love the thought of dying at this age. I see nothing but darkness in my future. My past was crap, present is crap.
Hopefully, everything goes as planned.
I promised to write about myself, I guess I am doing it in this one, feel free to ask me anything.
Motive: Severe body dysphoria (height neurosis, stemming from my father being 4 inches taller, I am average height). Loss of loved ones (life took the love of my life away so I want to die to finally see her again, I can already feel her in my arms once I leave the mortal plane).
Stemming from these two issues brews a lot of mental illness like severe chronic depression and anhedonia, social withdrawal, delusions and growing psychosis (sad that antipsychotics only made me vomit even at low doses).
My attitude: Life is a gift but unfortunately I am stuck in endless hellfire of misery and agony and the only way out is to go back into the big nothing. I am mentally ill for many years, I tried living for other people and I tried to get help but nothing did. I see it as fate, it's my destiny, determination. I hate this suicide shit but I can't see myself living for many more years. I wanted to graduate from medical school, become a neurosurgeon, until then be a paramedic, I wanted to be a father and have a family, I wanted to be 6'4 tall and happy...
but there is no way any of that happens for me. I am close to ending it all. It is strange that once ordering poison, you are a bit relieved as you know.. okay it's just a few more weeks at best. In fact, I am travelling to France for a week in two weeks as a last vacation with my mum. One thing that really sucks about all of this is the pain it is going to transfer on the few people I still have left. But I cannot fight for them any longer. I cannot keep going on any longer.
Am I really going to do it? Well, as it is my fate I will 99% do it, sooner or later. It feels good once you have the real possibility to do it. Everything can turn to the positive and I really do be wishing that. However, I doubt that this will be the case, as it can even get even worse too. If that's happening I am going to drink it in the forest.
I know I still have a long road ahead but I got one big step closer to ending it in reality. Fingers crossed that the police won't bust me and it is good quality.
Hopefully, it was not a mistake but at this point, I felt comfortable taking the risk. Time will tell.
Feel free to ask questions.
Hopefully, everything goes as planned.
I promised to write about myself, I guess I am doing it in this one, feel free to ask me anything.
Motive: Severe body dysphoria (height neurosis, stemming from my father being 4 inches taller, I am average height). Loss of loved ones (life took the love of my life away so I want to die to finally see her again, I can already feel her in my arms once I leave the mortal plane).
Stemming from these two issues brews a lot of mental illness like severe chronic depression and anhedonia, social withdrawal, delusions and growing psychosis (sad that antipsychotics only made me vomit even at low doses).
My attitude: Life is a gift but unfortunately I am stuck in endless hellfire of misery and agony and the only way out is to go back into the big nothing. I am mentally ill for many years, I tried living for other people and I tried to get help but nothing did. I see it as fate, it's my destiny, determination. I hate this suicide shit but I can't see myself living for many more years. I wanted to graduate from medical school, become a neurosurgeon, until then be a paramedic, I wanted to be a father and have a family, I wanted to be 6'4 tall and happy...
but there is no way any of that happens for me. I am close to ending it all. It is strange that once ordering poison, you are a bit relieved as you know.. okay it's just a few more weeks at best. In fact, I am travelling to France for a week in two weeks as a last vacation with my mum. One thing that really sucks about all of this is the pain it is going to transfer on the few people I still have left. But I cannot fight for them any longer. I cannot keep going on any longer.
Am I really going to do it? Well, as it is my fate I will 99% do it, sooner or later. It feels good once you have the real possibility to do it. Everything can turn to the positive and I really do be wishing that. However, I doubt that this will be the case, as it can even get even worse too. If that's happening I am going to drink it in the forest.
I know I still have a long road ahead but I got one big step closer to ending it in reality. Fingers crossed that the police won't bust me and it is good quality.
Hopefully, it was not a mistake but at this point, I felt comfortable taking the risk. Time will tell.
Feel free to ask questions.
