thinkkank
Experienced
- Oct 16, 2019
- 253
It's finally going to happen. I am getting evicted. I knew it would happen at some point, but this is it. I had delayed it for so long, but I can't any longer. How did I get here? What went wrong? I just couldn't get the money for it. Why couldn't I get the money for rent? Because I can't hold down a job to save my life. Why can't I hold down a job? Because I am mentally ill. I struggle with focusing on things, delusions, anxiety, completing anything, dealing with stress, constant mood swings, I could go on and on. I can't fix it. I can't change this. I have to live with this brain of mine that constantly does things that I don't want it to do. All of these problems come from my brain. It can't do things properly or it does what it wants to do and not what I want to do. My brain put me in this situation.
I have given up. My brain won. It will frustrate me for the rest of my life. Even complaining about it is a problem. I don't think it will get better.
I want to be grateful. I want to say that I am thankful for all the good times I had in this home, and there were many, but I can't. I keep thinking about how badly I fucked up. If I just didn't fuck up at work I would have had more money now. I would have invested it, saved it. I would have had enough rent money saved up for a year minimum. Things would have been so much better if my brain just did what I wanted it to do.
I'll never have this good ever again. It's just downhill from here, and my brain is in the driver's seat.
I want to turn back time so badly. If I could just make the right decisions everything would be better. When I look back at all the mistakes I made, my mental illness was at the center of it. I either made bad decisions because I was delusional or impulsive or couldn't focus long enough to get better at something or to make a better decision.
It'd be one thing if I didn't know what to do, if I was a complete moron and all my bad decisions were made because I didn't know anything, but I do know what to do. I know what decisions I need to make to make things better and I just can't follow through. I can't focus long enough to follow through. That's why it frustrates me so much. I could have avoided this. I could've been in a much better situation but I just can't bring myself to do it.
When I think about how bad it'll get I get more depressed. My brain will betray me next month, and the month after that and the month after that. I have to live it it for years.
It's over. It's all over and there's nothing I can do about it. All my mistakes led to this point. There were so many times when I could've made just one tiny change and it would have all been better but I didn't. I just kept making the same dumb decisions again and again and it all compounded to this moment. Now I'm stuck. Nothing I do can get me out of this.
I am going to lose everything. The bed I've slept on for years. Most of my belongings can't go with me to the homeless shelter. I can only take the clothes on my back and my laptop and a few other things. Everything that I'm used to, over. Gone. I feel cold. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to just lay down and sink into the floor.
I can't get out of this loop I'm in. I keep fucking everything up and I don't know what to do. Everyday I keep fucking things up. I want to stop but I can't. I can't get it right because of this fucking illness.
I just want to be normal. I want to have normal things and do normal things but I can't because of this illness. The most basic of things are beyond my reach because of my brain.
I can't run away. I can't pray this away. I can't talk my way out of this. This is really bad and I can't handle it.
I'm just ranting. I need to get this off my chest.
I have given up. My brain won. It will frustrate me for the rest of my life. Even complaining about it is a problem. I don't think it will get better.
I want to be grateful. I want to say that I am thankful for all the good times I had in this home, and there were many, but I can't. I keep thinking about how badly I fucked up. If I just didn't fuck up at work I would have had more money now. I would have invested it, saved it. I would have had enough rent money saved up for a year minimum. Things would have been so much better if my brain just did what I wanted it to do.
I'll never have this good ever again. It's just downhill from here, and my brain is in the driver's seat.
I want to turn back time so badly. If I could just make the right decisions everything would be better. When I look back at all the mistakes I made, my mental illness was at the center of it. I either made bad decisions because I was delusional or impulsive or couldn't focus long enough to get better at something or to make a better decision.
It'd be one thing if I didn't know what to do, if I was a complete moron and all my bad decisions were made because I didn't know anything, but I do know what to do. I know what decisions I need to make to make things better and I just can't follow through. I can't focus long enough to follow through. That's why it frustrates me so much. I could have avoided this. I could've been in a much better situation but I just can't bring myself to do it.
When I think about how bad it'll get I get more depressed. My brain will betray me next month, and the month after that and the month after that. I have to live it it for years.
It's over. It's all over and there's nothing I can do about it. All my mistakes led to this point. There were so many times when I could've made just one tiny change and it would have all been better but I didn't. I just kept making the same dumb decisions again and again and it all compounded to this moment. Now I'm stuck. Nothing I do can get me out of this.
I am going to lose everything. The bed I've slept on for years. Most of my belongings can't go with me to the homeless shelter. I can only take the clothes on my back and my laptop and a few other things. Everything that I'm used to, over. Gone. I feel cold. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to just lay down and sink into the floor.
I can't get out of this loop I'm in. I keep fucking everything up and I don't know what to do. Everyday I keep fucking things up. I want to stop but I can't. I can't get it right because of this fucking illness.
I just want to be normal. I want to have normal things and do normal things but I can't because of this illness. The most basic of things are beyond my reach because of my brain.
I can't run away. I can't pray this away. I can't talk my way out of this. This is really bad and I can't handle it.
I'm just ranting. I need to get this off my chest.
