Story Finally feeling better after 3 years of constant increasing suicidal thoughts

[ImpairedLowlife]

I actually can't believe it. Last 3 years of my life was a complete nightmare. It was getting worse and worse till 2020. I felt doomed countless times and I just wouldn't believe I still can recover from all of that shit.

Since 2017 me and my mother to the UK. And I couldn't stand living there; education system, people, language, everything felt so wrong and I couldn't do anything, but plan ctb. I don't mind English, but I just couldn't use it as everyday main language.

I asked countless times to get back to Russia, but it never happen. My mother didn't care sightless about me suffering there and just kept telling me "you just need to wait and everything will get better"

Everything was clearly just getting more and more fucked up every day. I started selfharming a lot, reading suicidal forums and searching ways to ctb. Closer to the end of that period I even wrote a suicidal letter and planned to kill myself by December 2019.

Things were slowly getting better after January as I moved to a different country to my girlfriend, where I felt I'm at home. I'm Russian and now I'm in Belarus if anything.

But I never really felt happy or stable again. I just couldn't find happiness, I almost broke up the relationship few times so I can just finally kill myself. I was constantly triggered by everything and everyone and it was some of the worst times in my life. I found this forum, started talking to people about ctb, as it was the only thing I wanted and felt comfortable with. I even bought a rope "just in case".

After some time I had a really good chance to hang myself, but I couldn't beat SI. And not only SI I guess. After that moment I rapidly started to feel better. I didn't want to die anymore, I knew it. This sucks, but failed attempt of the suicide is what actually helped me a lot.

I still have the rope hidden, because I always know that I have control over my life. It helps me stay more positive and adequate.

This forum greatly helped me a lot during some of the worst times of my life.

I'm not leaving this site, but probably not gonna be there very often.

Thanks for everyone, who shared their stories, replied to mine and generally made this site what it is now.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

This ia the best thing I have heard in many many months.

It gives me hope. Thank you!

 

[muffin222]

I'm so happy for you! I'm so happy that you're finally gaining freedom and hope again after 3 years of suicidal thoughts. That's a long time to struggle with SI. Thank you for sharing your story with us- it's very inspiring for me and for many others, I'm sure. I wish you nothing but the best with your life from here on out You're very strong and courageous

 

[timf]

What an encouragement you are for others. To find control and be free from those forces that were bringing you down is freedom indeed.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I'm so happy for you! I sincerely hope you'll hold on to this good feelings!

 

[MrBigSad]

After my attempt I started to feel better too. I think it's not just SI that stops us. There is hope when we look for it.

Glad you are feeling better. I too think I'm gradually abandoning my suicidal tendencies. But the people here can be a great help as well.

Reading this made me smile the first time in a long time. I wish you a good recovery.

 

[alice-in-wonderland]

May you retain peace and feeling alive

 

[virginiawoolf86]

It's really nice to hear that you're feeling better after such a long struggle. I hope that whatever you're doing or whatever is happening maintains and keeps you feeling positive. Lots of hugs and love.

 

[IWantToSleep]

I hope you continue to feel better.