I'm new to this site, I thought it would be like many others who's aim is to talk you out of what you feel and make the world seem like there is so much to live for.
I previously thought that way, even after child abuse from the age of 4-15, every second day of my childhood, but I kept swimming. When I was date raped at 17, I kept swimming. When I told my family about the abuse by my uncle who lived with my family and their main concern was him not hurting himself instead of me, I sunk a little that time but then kept swimming. When I was sexually assaulted by a cab driver, a boss at work and then initially disowned by my family for being a lesbian, I took on a little water but I was becoming a great swimmer. When my father asked me not to put his brother in jail, then later when the uncle was dying he asked if he could go see him, I didn't want to swim anymore, I wanted my dad to see I was struggling and swim for me, instead I said "of course". When I fell in love with an alcoholic domestic violence girlfriend who beat me down emotionally and mentally, my go to response was to put her on myback and swim for us both. I saved her life more times than I can think of, but when I'm now at rock bottom (keep reading) she has blocked me as it is not healthy for HER mental state. I'm always that person who thinks I will only be liked if I help others, never felt I was loveable otherwise.
Then I finally met the most beautiful, understanding, intelligent and self sufficient woman in the world. I finally got the whole "life gets better", "you will feel at peace and happy one day". It took until my middle 40's but I did what society, counselors and psychs told me and I had reached the shore, no more swimming alone for me. We connected due to our history of abuse amongst other things, we were the same age, both financially ok and we loved looking to the future with excitement and joy. Then COVID came, people had to work from home and she had a very high paying important job, she finally was able to turn off her OCD head and realize she had been mistreated at work, mostly due to being a woman, and she could breathe from the 9-5 stress.
We got a puppy, he was able to grow up with someone always with him. We both adored him but their relationship was extra special, my job had returned to the office pretty early during COVID. Then came the news she would need to return to the office full time. Anxiety and panic kicked in for her, she wanted anything but to return to the office. Unfortunately her future dreams were still the same, so her quitting would make that less achievable financially. I earned nowhere near what she did. Nevertheless she did quit and started researching how to make, not just ours, but our families lives easy and it had to happen fast. Easy meant money. Hello crypto/Bitcoin and big losses, I kept trying to keep her happy and gave her whatever that required, took extra mortgage out, took my superannuation/retirement out of the safe industry fund and changed to a self managed super fund (SMSF) then let her to control the lot (34 years of work super) whatever she asked for I did. I finally had my person after swimming in crap and I was not letting go.
That brings me to Feb 2023, we were selling her house and my parents wanted to see it, we had been living at mine. She got up that morning took our dog for a morning walk then woke me to say she would meet my parents and me at the house. I gradually woke and my mum asked how she got to the house (about a 10minute drive), I said she drove but was informed the car was still out the front. I was frustrated but she is fit and wouldn't take long to walk there. We got there and she was not to be seen, so we visited the neighbors for coffee, I kept checking but no sign. My parents were due to leave and drive home (over two hours away) so as we left the neighbors my mum spotted her walking. I had at this stage become frustrated and angry that she had put me in a difficult spot with my family. I asked her to hold it together while they were there. I showed my parents the house, while she watered the plants. When they left she hugged them and said I love you and I walked them to their car. I went back in, still in my anger for what felt humiliating for me. I never would have done that with her family. We argued, she was cold to me, I felt I had given everything of myself to her and she only needed to be there to make my family happy for just a moment, such a small request in my mind. She told me I deserved better and that she was not right in the head, that made me more frustrated that my feelings had become about her. I turned to leave and go back to our other house, she saw I was crying and put her arms out to hug her. 99% of those moments I would have stayed and hugged her but I was stuck in my anger and left. I went home and felt bad so decided to do one of her love languages, service, so I cleaned and washed every bit of clothing. What I didn't know at the time was I had washed the last of her smell that I would ever have. I would end up hunting the house in search of that smell. I've never found it.
Her neighbors had called the police out of concern for her, I arrived not long after and was informed my beautiful girl was deceased. She had CTB by hanging herself in the shed, no note, no final I love you. I had to sign a piece of paper that enabled them to destroy her clothing, Which I couldn't understand at the time. I had the first insight into the stress and guilt she was carrying that everything (money, houses, super) was lost. Nothing was going to dig us out of whatever she had done with the money, not selling houses, nothing.
Then while still consumed by grief, just three days later, I lost my job. I had been taking money to try help her/us out of trouble, she reassured me it was definitely going to come back and I could replace it and get our other losses back. Obviously she couldn't handle the guilt of knowing it was never going to happen. I would have lived in a tent with her (but her dreams wouldn't allow that) so I lost her, my morals, my house, my retirement, my savings, my job and I will soon lose my freedom.
Her family are also fighting me for her Will (life insurance) I'm being sued civilly by my work, plus been charged criminally and I've been told I will definitely face prison time. I'm 52 and never even visited a prison, plus what future do I face after, I lost HER. If she stayed I would at least have her waiting by my side and not feel so alone, guilty full of regrets. I'm currently living with my parents waiting to be sentenced, her family only communicate through lawyers, I'm getting demand phone calls and I'm just so lonely. I've signed our dog over to my parents, he is so confused, he lost his first love also and got stuck with his number 2 (me). I can't face the media attention that is coming, the shame, the thought of coming out to nothing. I just don't want this life anymore, I swam through enough crap, I'm tired and the future brings no thoughts of joy.
My initial method was helium exit bag, however, they have changed the oxygen content in the tanks so that no longer is an option. I also have no money, so getting everything for nitrogen bag setup is out of reach money wise. I have thought about SN but think it might be difficult to get living in Australia. I have a lot of meds for my mental health but not sure if what I have will be sufficient. Would 50 lorazepam be enough plus/Or any other medication suggestions are welcome (if they are available in Australia) I just know I will be facing prison soon and I'm petrified of that and what will come after. I know I committed a crime so I'm not after sympathy. I'm just tired of keeping my head above water. I want to be with her, touch her and hold on tight. Time is not healing and I'm done. I'm so lonely even when someone is around because if it's not her then I don't want this anymore. Thanks if you are still reading
Thank you for sharing.
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