monkeybusiness
New Member
- May 24, 2026
- 1
I don't expect anyone to read this, it's way too long and I'm not an important person, but I just wanted to vent my story before I do it soon, as I don't have anywhere else to.
My 20th birthday is coming around the corner, and I've driven myself down the drain. All my life I've felt indescribably disconnected from reality, and with that, my identity. I often do not know who I am and feel painfully disconnected from everyone around me. I constantly doubt if what I'm feeling is real or not, and since I was never allowed to get any psychiatric help, I never truly knew what was wrong with me. I thought I was cursed.
Around 2021 - 2023, I launched a personal project to fabricate a new identity, new mannerisms, new thinking, new movements, just turn into a new person entirely. I mapped it out, planned it out, and was ready to perform it. At first it worked quite well, I was able to get friends, and fit in a bit more. But as time passed, I noticed that it clashed with the inevitability of opening up to these "friends", most of whom I ended up scaring away. Whenever I attempted to open up, I would unveil this suppressed part of me that was nothing short of erratic, mentally unstable, tiring, and almost deceitful. Despite having this pattern, I couldn't stand to be alone. Every time I find myself alone, I would slip into intense dissociative episodes where I believe in irrational things and start questioning reality, often going into extremes to test it.
I entered a relationship in late 2023 with a girl I did not love or care for, and I was no longer able to keep up the facade and was a horrible partner, and it ended. After which everything came falling down, my new identity came crashing and what was left was nothing but my strange, disconnected, and erratic self. At one point, after I pushed everyone away, I had one or two friends I'd use as an anchor to center myself to reality while burdening them with my mind and still never progress anywhere. These friends would indirectly let my negative behaviours happen, being too overwhelmed to question them or simply not wanting to cross that boundary of taking too much responsibility for my actions, which then ended up allowing my mind to turn to toxic thought processes.
Around 2024, I had turned into a completely horrible person. I started turning to alcohol, relied on "crushes" and the dopamine that comes with them to feel remotely grounded with people I didn't even like, and deemed that love is a construct. With that, I went into a political mania, where all I could think of was politics and it begun eating away at my paranoia. I forced myself to go to a country I don't want to, and study a degree I don't want to just because it was the only future I thought I could have after claiming that it was my life passion ever since I was a child, spreading the word to everyone despite losing interest in it a few years ago. When I was in that country, I forced myself to test my boundaries, my morals, my values, everything. I let go of myself and fell into a long dissociative and manic episode where I was constantly trying to ignore and suppress the part of me that doesn't like anything I'm doing and wants to be gone.
This was until I came across a girl online. She was everything to me. She saw through my facade and spent a year and a half on me trying her best to allow me to face what I truly felt and improve as a person despite how much I had hurt her and wronged her in the process. I don't understand what she saw in me and why she loved me so much. I decided that I wanted to bring her as much happiness as I can since she was, in reality, struggling much more than I was. I dropped out of university to come back to my country and was given the chance to pursue what I wanted, music. I released a single as a band from people across the world and was going to make it to the UK somehow to properly start the band. That was my dream, but it didn't work. I was desperately afraid of losing her, especially after slowly recollecting what I had done to her in those dissociative episodes. The guilt didn't let me function or focus on anything outside of her, she was my world and nothing else.
This eventually lead to a series of disastrous misfortunes. I had spent most of my life stuck in my head, afraid of people, untrusting of anyone, never being able to truly love a single person, not understanding how anything worked, sheltered, abused by my family and bullied as a child, controlled by my family, and gone. So I inevitably wasn't able to keep her happy. I didn't have the emotional maturity to. As time passed, the comfort and love I had for her transformed into fear and anxiety. I was deathly afraid of losing her.
The time I could have spent on my new future was wasted, and everything became a blur. I wasn't being myself to her, I would lie to her, be brainless, and overall off. In reality, I started hiding from her too. The dissociative feelings, the hallucinations, the questioning of reality, the guilt of the things I had done to her and viewing her trauma at the same time combined with an absolute inability to have any restful sleep for months on end with constant nightmares pushed me to a point where I was no longer recognisable to myself or her anymore. I used to use sympathy and my constant erratic behaviour to override her pain from my actions, she was always forced to forgive me. So when my mind started getting this way again there is absolutely no way in hell I would burden her with it.
However, I wasn't able to hide it properly. It affected my behaviour, turned me into someone else entirely, and she began losing feelings for me. I lost all of my friends, my future is now grim, and my family are abusive strangers whom I can never feel at peace with. After she already began pulling away, she was hit with screenshots of my old messages from 2024 by my friend who meant no harm, but those messages came from when I was still a horrible person, and had some upsetting words in them. Instead of dealing with the situation and helping her calm down, I got hit with a series of flashbacks from that year and was going through an attack of some sort. I was afraid of those screenshots, recalling memories I thought I had forgotten, everything fucking me over. On top of that, the fear of losing her intensified beyond belief especially after she read those messages. Unable to function, I just passed out for hours without saying anything to her. When I woke up she had gone through something terrible and I wasn't there for her. I didn't want to tell her that I just went through that as it would only be read as another excuse to have her sympathise and forgive me, so I made up a stupid excuse on the spot and apologised for it, which was one of the first nails to seal the coffin.
On a fateful night sometime after that, everything became unbearable. I had attempted to slit my wrists after not being able to hide these experiences from her. During which she suddenly decided to call me, and while I was desperately trying to hide the fact that I had just slit my wrists and am trying to take care of it, a few misunderstandings happened and I very obviously lied to her again to cover things up. My story was inconsistent because I didn't remember things very well, I was trying to act like I was paying attention while taking care of my wrists and stopping it from bleeding. She knew that I was lying to her, which is something I promised to never do again. That was her last straw, her trust was now broken and she now hates me. She still doesn't know that I was bleeding then, and I don't know if I'll ever tell her as it would only be misunderstood as me trying to garner sympathy for forgiveness again due to the fact that I used to do that a year ago.
She gave me multiple chances afterwards, but I was unable to live up to it. I was unable to be the person she loved, I was stupid, brainfogged, making dumb mistakes, and just being pathetic and a shell of myself. She had enough, and is now out of bounds. She talks of other men, despises me, and is pretty much gone. She still hasn't blocked me and tries to provoke me and still reads my messages, occasionally replies, but I don't have hope of convincing her of a change anytime soon, and the future only seems to look grim for me.
Ever since these events, in the past few weeks reality has taken a new dip into madness. I do not understand what is going around me anymore. Things are not what they seem to be, time flows in such inconsistent ways, I am randomly hit with paranoid attacks, randomly hold irrational reality-bending beliefs, have brief and faint hallucinations that are never-ending. I don't know what's going on, it's getting worse, and the only human being I've ever loved in my entire life now despises me and for good reason at that. She might be close to moving on, it seems like she is. She was my last chance at trying to better myself, but I inevitably failed. My family is doubling down on me, I seem to despise everyone, and nothing seems to be leading to anything meaningful. Even if it is, a life without her is of no use.
My birthday is coming soon, I can't continue to live this way anymore. I want to take my life and stop being a burden to those around me. I am a horrible person, I am not able to tame my mind, and am effectively a manchild. I feel sickly away from myself, and no matter what I do it just would never stop, so I'll take action for it and end it soon. I found 25g of 99% pure SN online, domperidone, and melatonin. I'm going to order it soon.
If you read this entire thing, then I don't know what to say, thank you. I don't think anyone would because I can't pretend to have such self-importance and I highly doubt anyone would reply to this either, but this might be one of my final statements before I die and I wanted to put it out there. Thank you to all of you guys and I hope you guys find peace.
My 20th birthday is coming around the corner, and I've driven myself down the drain. All my life I've felt indescribably disconnected from reality, and with that, my identity. I often do not know who I am and feel painfully disconnected from everyone around me. I constantly doubt if what I'm feeling is real or not, and since I was never allowed to get any psychiatric help, I never truly knew what was wrong with me. I thought I was cursed.
Around 2021 - 2023, I launched a personal project to fabricate a new identity, new mannerisms, new thinking, new movements, just turn into a new person entirely. I mapped it out, planned it out, and was ready to perform it. At first it worked quite well, I was able to get friends, and fit in a bit more. But as time passed, I noticed that it clashed with the inevitability of opening up to these "friends", most of whom I ended up scaring away. Whenever I attempted to open up, I would unveil this suppressed part of me that was nothing short of erratic, mentally unstable, tiring, and almost deceitful. Despite having this pattern, I couldn't stand to be alone. Every time I find myself alone, I would slip into intense dissociative episodes where I believe in irrational things and start questioning reality, often going into extremes to test it.
I entered a relationship in late 2023 with a girl I did not love or care for, and I was no longer able to keep up the facade and was a horrible partner, and it ended. After which everything came falling down, my new identity came crashing and what was left was nothing but my strange, disconnected, and erratic self. At one point, after I pushed everyone away, I had one or two friends I'd use as an anchor to center myself to reality while burdening them with my mind and still never progress anywhere. These friends would indirectly let my negative behaviours happen, being too overwhelmed to question them or simply not wanting to cross that boundary of taking too much responsibility for my actions, which then ended up allowing my mind to turn to toxic thought processes.
Around 2024, I had turned into a completely horrible person. I started turning to alcohol, relied on "crushes" and the dopamine that comes with them to feel remotely grounded with people I didn't even like, and deemed that love is a construct. With that, I went into a political mania, where all I could think of was politics and it begun eating away at my paranoia. I forced myself to go to a country I don't want to, and study a degree I don't want to just because it was the only future I thought I could have after claiming that it was my life passion ever since I was a child, spreading the word to everyone despite losing interest in it a few years ago. When I was in that country, I forced myself to test my boundaries, my morals, my values, everything. I let go of myself and fell into a long dissociative and manic episode where I was constantly trying to ignore and suppress the part of me that doesn't like anything I'm doing and wants to be gone.
This was until I came across a girl online. She was everything to me. She saw through my facade and spent a year and a half on me trying her best to allow me to face what I truly felt and improve as a person despite how much I had hurt her and wronged her in the process. I don't understand what she saw in me and why she loved me so much. I decided that I wanted to bring her as much happiness as I can since she was, in reality, struggling much more than I was. I dropped out of university to come back to my country and was given the chance to pursue what I wanted, music. I released a single as a band from people across the world and was going to make it to the UK somehow to properly start the band. That was my dream, but it didn't work. I was desperately afraid of losing her, especially after slowly recollecting what I had done to her in those dissociative episodes. The guilt didn't let me function or focus on anything outside of her, she was my world and nothing else.
This eventually lead to a series of disastrous misfortunes. I had spent most of my life stuck in my head, afraid of people, untrusting of anyone, never being able to truly love a single person, not understanding how anything worked, sheltered, abused by my family and bullied as a child, controlled by my family, and gone. So I inevitably wasn't able to keep her happy. I didn't have the emotional maturity to. As time passed, the comfort and love I had for her transformed into fear and anxiety. I was deathly afraid of losing her.
The time I could have spent on my new future was wasted, and everything became a blur. I wasn't being myself to her, I would lie to her, be brainless, and overall off. In reality, I started hiding from her too. The dissociative feelings, the hallucinations, the questioning of reality, the guilt of the things I had done to her and viewing her trauma at the same time combined with an absolute inability to have any restful sleep for months on end with constant nightmares pushed me to a point where I was no longer recognisable to myself or her anymore. I used to use sympathy and my constant erratic behaviour to override her pain from my actions, she was always forced to forgive me. So when my mind started getting this way again there is absolutely no way in hell I would burden her with it.
However, I wasn't able to hide it properly. It affected my behaviour, turned me into someone else entirely, and she began losing feelings for me. I lost all of my friends, my future is now grim, and my family are abusive strangers whom I can never feel at peace with. After she already began pulling away, she was hit with screenshots of my old messages from 2024 by my friend who meant no harm, but those messages came from when I was still a horrible person, and had some upsetting words in them. Instead of dealing with the situation and helping her calm down, I got hit with a series of flashbacks from that year and was going through an attack of some sort. I was afraid of those screenshots, recalling memories I thought I had forgotten, everything fucking me over. On top of that, the fear of losing her intensified beyond belief especially after she read those messages. Unable to function, I just passed out for hours without saying anything to her. When I woke up she had gone through something terrible and I wasn't there for her. I didn't want to tell her that I just went through that as it would only be read as another excuse to have her sympathise and forgive me, so I made up a stupid excuse on the spot and apologised for it, which was one of the first nails to seal the coffin.
On a fateful night sometime after that, everything became unbearable. I had attempted to slit my wrists after not being able to hide these experiences from her. During which she suddenly decided to call me, and while I was desperately trying to hide the fact that I had just slit my wrists and am trying to take care of it, a few misunderstandings happened and I very obviously lied to her again to cover things up. My story was inconsistent because I didn't remember things very well, I was trying to act like I was paying attention while taking care of my wrists and stopping it from bleeding. She knew that I was lying to her, which is something I promised to never do again. That was her last straw, her trust was now broken and she now hates me. She still doesn't know that I was bleeding then, and I don't know if I'll ever tell her as it would only be misunderstood as me trying to garner sympathy for forgiveness again due to the fact that I used to do that a year ago.
She gave me multiple chances afterwards, but I was unable to live up to it. I was unable to be the person she loved, I was stupid, brainfogged, making dumb mistakes, and just being pathetic and a shell of myself. She had enough, and is now out of bounds. She talks of other men, despises me, and is pretty much gone. She still hasn't blocked me and tries to provoke me and still reads my messages, occasionally replies, but I don't have hope of convincing her of a change anytime soon, and the future only seems to look grim for me.
Ever since these events, in the past few weeks reality has taken a new dip into madness. I do not understand what is going around me anymore. Things are not what they seem to be, time flows in such inconsistent ways, I am randomly hit with paranoid attacks, randomly hold irrational reality-bending beliefs, have brief and faint hallucinations that are never-ending. I don't know what's going on, it's getting worse, and the only human being I've ever loved in my entire life now despises me and for good reason at that. She might be close to moving on, it seems like she is. She was my last chance at trying to better myself, but I inevitably failed. My family is doubling down on me, I seem to despise everyone, and nothing seems to be leading to anything meaningful. Even if it is, a life without her is of no use.
My birthday is coming soon, I can't continue to live this way anymore. I want to take my life and stop being a burden to those around me. I am a horrible person, I am not able to tame my mind, and am effectively a manchild. I feel sickly away from myself, and no matter what I do it just would never stop, so I'll take action for it and end it soon. I found 25g of 99% pure SN online, domperidone, and melatonin. I'm going to order it soon.
If you read this entire thing, then I don't know what to say, thank you. I don't think anyone would because I can't pretend to have such self-importance and I highly doubt anyone would reply to this either, but this might be one of my final statements before I die and I wanted to put it out there. Thank you to all of you guys and I hope you guys find peace.
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