Another recovery resource I don't know whether it really helps.
I try to fight against the odds. I am really scared about biases and being deceived by mental illness or other possible distortions. I mean many humans have biases I try to be self-aware. However no matter how much we read or learn about them we cannot escape the fact that we are within our consciousness. Inseparable from our brains. At least this is what I think I know some people will disagree with that. There is a discussion whether humans and their consciousness are equal to their brain.
I am very anxious about self-fulfiling prophecies. Here is a definition.
"self-fulfilling prophecy, process through which an originally false expectation leads to its own confirmation. In a self-fulfilling prophecy an individual's expectations about another person or entity eventually result in the other person or entity acting in ways that confirm the expectations.
For example if one is too pessimistic and stops trying to improve."
My severe anxiety about it stems from the fact I don't want to blame myself at the end of my life for killing myself. I don't want to do it but I feel forced to do so. I pressure myself way too much maybe on an irrational level. Though I have to say I was close to falling into that trap a couple of times in my life.
Mostly because of depression. I was too pessimistic. However during mania I was also too optimistic. So it went both ways. I am not sure whether my current success will change the outcome of my life. Personally I strongly doubt that. There is the potential that is a thinking fallacy. (I have to hope for that - but is this rational? It is hard when one starts to question everything.) However my therapists are optimistic about my future. I think they are naive. I have more insights into my own feelings and mind. Especially my own relation to suicide is rather a secret for them. I have the feeling there is the inner logic that my suicidality increases with every psychosis. But this thread is intended for recovery purpose. As an explanation that is important though.
Two times I was convinced depression would never end. That was a thinking fallacy caused by my depression to that time. My predictions were often right. However I was surprised a couple of times in a positive sense. I have to say I was very convinced I could never attend college without becoming manic. And I am doing that now for more than a year. It is a daily fight but I was very convinced this would never be possible.
The smartest person I met noticed that bias of me. I am very deterministic about the future. Exactly this is what I fear. Because I am so anxious that my negative attitude leads to my suicide. That theoretically I had a chance but I would not use it. Two therapists encouraged me to try college and I am very thankful for them. They believed in me and gave me the strength to fight. My life would probably be currently way worse without them. Without them inter-subjectivity would have fucked with me. I am scared about fatalism and determinism. I don't want to be responsible for my own misery. This is why I fight so hard. And try so much often empowered by my desperation.
I think it can have a positive impact to be more agnostic about the future. Especially if one thinks it would never become better. Life is extremely complicated there are so many variables and factors we cannot think of. In some sense it is comforting we cannot predict the future. This is what the one therapist who believed in me told me once. I wish I could give people with my story hope. However I am not sure whether I might kill myself in the near future and this thread will be an example of a naive dream instead of a beacon of hope.
I hope the more optimistic tone of this thread does not hurt other people. For example people with treatment resistance. I just want to give hope to people who search of it. And I want to share my personal struggle with it.
I try to fight against the odds. I am really scared about biases and being deceived by mental illness or other possible distortions. I mean many humans have biases I try to be self-aware. However no matter how much we read or learn about them we cannot escape the fact that we are within our consciousness. Inseparable from our brains. At least this is what I think I know some people will disagree with that. There is a discussion whether humans and their consciousness are equal to their brain.
I am very anxious about self-fulfiling prophecies. Here is a definition.
"self-fulfilling prophecy, process through which an originally false expectation leads to its own confirmation. In a self-fulfilling prophecy an individual's expectations about another person or entity eventually result in the other person or entity acting in ways that confirm the expectations.
For example if one is too pessimistic and stops trying to improve."
My severe anxiety about it stems from the fact I don't want to blame myself at the end of my life for killing myself. I don't want to do it but I feel forced to do so. I pressure myself way too much maybe on an irrational level. Though I have to say I was close to falling into that trap a couple of times in my life.
Mostly because of depression. I was too pessimistic. However during mania I was also too optimistic. So it went both ways. I am not sure whether my current success will change the outcome of my life. Personally I strongly doubt that. There is the potential that is a thinking fallacy. (I have to hope for that - but is this rational? It is hard when one starts to question everything.) However my therapists are optimistic about my future. I think they are naive. I have more insights into my own feelings and mind. Especially my own relation to suicide is rather a secret for them. I have the feeling there is the inner logic that my suicidality increases with every psychosis. But this thread is intended for recovery purpose. As an explanation that is important though.
Two times I was convinced depression would never end. That was a thinking fallacy caused by my depression to that time. My predictions were often right. However I was surprised a couple of times in a positive sense. I have to say I was very convinced I could never attend college without becoming manic. And I am doing that now for more than a year. It is a daily fight but I was very convinced this would never be possible.
The smartest person I met noticed that bias of me. I am very deterministic about the future. Exactly this is what I fear. Because I am so anxious that my negative attitude leads to my suicide. That theoretically I had a chance but I would not use it. Two therapists encouraged me to try college and I am very thankful for them. They believed in me and gave me the strength to fight. My life would probably be currently way worse without them. Without them inter-subjectivity would have fucked with me. I am scared about fatalism and determinism. I don't want to be responsible for my own misery. This is why I fight so hard. And try so much often empowered by my desperation.
I think it can have a positive impact to be more agnostic about the future. Especially if one thinks it would never become better. Life is extremely complicated there are so many variables and factors we cannot think of. In some sense it is comforting we cannot predict the future. This is what the one therapist who believed in me told me once. I wish I could give people with my story hope. However I am not sure whether I might kill myself in the near future and this thread will be an example of a naive dream instead of a beacon of hope.
I hope the more optimistic tone of this thread does not hurt other people. For example people with treatment resistance. I just want to give hope to people who search of it. And I want to share my personal struggle with it.
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