Garbage Person
Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
- Jan 17, 2020
- 305
..and rolled into the bus stop. I really don't feel like I'm going to make it. I've been struggling to move forward with my plans of building myself in any manner. I got a job as a marijuana cultivator but feigned sickness on my second and third day due to my unwillingness to get out of bed. I just can't wage slave.
I really have no idea what I want anymore. I'd say I just want an early retirement with no scheduled life or structure, but I know that boredom will sink its fangs deeper into my skin. I've kept my disability case open as a "plan b", but even with a decent attorney, I have no guarantee and the wait is agonizing. I'd need part time work to stay afloat and even leaving my apartment just isn't for me anymore. I'm left with visions of grandiose achievements that could never actually be realized.
I feel I've done everything I could ever think of, and it all failed to meet expectations or inspire me to want more. When you're this dead inside and feel like life is a never ending waiting room full of old magazines serving as little reminders of the clown world you live in, I don't understand how you could long for anything other than release.
I've been sitting on nembutal and meto for a while, so at least it's at the ready. I keep hoping I'll find something to live for, or at least just be comfortable with simply floating along, but I have an overwhelming sensation that I've reached an impasse.
There's no point to this thread other than me sharing my worthless thoughts and feelings. It has not contributed anything and has been said before, but at least I feel less alone this way. Everything seems so grey. I've been encompassed by the lack of color, and it feels endless.
I really have no idea what I want anymore. I'd say I just want an early retirement with no scheduled life or structure, but I know that boredom will sink its fangs deeper into my skin. I've kept my disability case open as a "plan b", but even with a decent attorney, I have no guarantee and the wait is agonizing. I'd need part time work to stay afloat and even leaving my apartment just isn't for me anymore. I'm left with visions of grandiose achievements that could never actually be realized.
I feel I've done everything I could ever think of, and it all failed to meet expectations or inspire me to want more. When you're this dead inside and feel like life is a never ending waiting room full of old magazines serving as little reminders of the clown world you live in, I don't understand how you could long for anything other than release.
I've been sitting on nembutal and meto for a while, so at least it's at the ready. I keep hoping I'll find something to live for, or at least just be comfortable with simply floating along, but I have an overwhelming sensation that I've reached an impasse.
There's no point to this thread other than me sharing my worthless thoughts and feelings. It has not contributed anything and has been said before, but at least I feel less alone this way. Everything seems so grey. I've been encompassed by the lack of color, and it feels endless.
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